Anxious

Yes, BFF, guess what?  I am off tomorrow.  I don't go back to work until July 6th............I never take off days from work consecutively like this.......I deserve it.........let's have some fun!!!!!!!!

Today at work was a bit trying..............that gnawing feeling keeps growing........but deep down inside, I know what it is about........I know my ex is thinking about me.........that is where part of it is coming from........I know you must think I am crazy, but I promise you I am not........you will see..............

Anywho.......back to the work day.......it always happens that the day before I will be absent from work, the minute before I have to leave for a few days off.....I get last second work.........

Ok, Ok, Juicah, it really ain't that serious......but it is annoying as all hell. 

I have not really heard much from Sam not sure what that is about, but I am not going to question it.....Still communicating with BigDaddybut have not seen him.....wait, I lie.....I did see him......it was just as pleasurable as the first time, but this time we talked and laughed more than anything.......I am happy that he is who he is and not jerk like..............lolol.........I must tell you BFF, what I like about him is that although we don't see each other that much, we continue to communicate and he continues to be as caring as he was in the beginning..........all smiles on my end.............

Mr. Lovel.....hmm......Mr. Lovel.....I am a bit apprehensive and anxious to see him again.......something about him.........seems intense........then again......it could be me looking for love in all the wrong places...........what the hell am I really saying.......I know there is not going to be love between me and any of the guys I meet from off of the net........there may be some passion, but not love.........I am silly but not foolish, lol........

Mr. Lovel and I have continued to sporadically text and call each other...........I did see him since the park......he asked me to go to the pier with him.........the water is so very soothing to me..........

Once again.........I enjoyed his company......he told me he felt the same and we confirmed hanging out in the next few days............needless to say.......I had to get my kiss fix from him...lol.........time for me to power up......ahahahhahahah, I kill myself.........

All in all, the day was slow, peaceful and full of anxiety............I am starting to get anxious about what lies ahead....no matter what it is I know that I am blessed and equipped to deal with it.......and the saga continues............

Phoenix..........

I think and feel like I am growing.......growing spiritually........things come to me........make sense to me in ways that they never did before..........paths open up...........could it be that I am more intuitive?............could it be the Violet Flame?..............Oshun?.............my ancestors?..............

What ever it is............I am grateful and welcoming of it.............alas I have found peace within my connection.........within my psychic tension...........if only I could start meditating..........I could not even imagine what would be revealed to me........

Could that be what I fear? Hmmmm......it could very well be......just the mere thought of it is fascinating.....mind boggling and scary at the same time........our minds are so limited......so conditioned........so very well trained..........

It feels like I am breaking down the limits...........breaking down everything that I believe to be true.....everything that holds my world together......

What would you do, what would you think, how would you feel if you came to the enlightened realization that everything you were ever taught, everything that you know is incorrect?  What would your reaction be if you learned that everything you ever thought was impossible in life was very possible and could be?

My world is breaking down and this is exactly what is happening to me.....as scary and unbelievable as it sounds.......I am eager and excited for the opportunity to experience, learn, feel, grow and submit.........

I feel like a Phoenix.....feels like I am nearing the end of this phase of my life-cycle.......the phase of doubt.......phase of fear.........like a Phoenix, I am building my nest of painful emotions, memories and thoughts which I will ignite; like a Phoenix both my nest and I will burn fiercely and reduced to ashes, from which a new, wiser Juicah will arises, reborn anew to live again........watch out.........you may need to strap yourself in for this.............(lol)

Brewing..............

Back at work.....rolling my eyes..........Lesson time kids..........lol.......this is what my fear of success has brought me to. Don't get me wrong, I love my job..it allows me to live the life of a Jones...hmm..I really am a Jones, lol..

But in all seriousness, when I started in my profession......being a legal secretary was so very exciting......the economy was different, work was different, things just seem more vibrant and alive.  13 years later, boy have things changed.......attorneys don't really need secretaries anymore, they need personal assistants........is that a step down? LOL.

Let me not complain about a blessing........I am so very grateful for so many things........and my job is one of them.......

During the day, I kept getting a gnawing feeling that something was brewing........I just have to remind myself to be calm......be observant.....be aware of your feelings and thoughts...........

With a solar eclipse approaching, who knows what lies ahead for me.........ohh the wonders of it all.........all I know is the gnawing feeling is growing.....slowly......with strength........something is brewing...........

Another Day.......

BFF, once again, I failed to tell you that I took the day off of work...........please forgive me..........

Today was another peaceful day.  I still communicate with Mr. Lovel and BigDaddy, lolol.  Nothing has really changed with that..........

Although today Mr. Lovel expressed to me that he wanted to see me possibly this weekend.......he would like to hang out.......ok.......I know what that means........we will see.........

There is something in me that is fearful........something that has prevented me from doing one thing I know I should do.....stopping me from meditating.........

My fear of success is outrageous.........it has stifled me from being a singer, a published writer, a belly dancer who performs.........why do I fear success so much?

I guess that is one of the things I need to work on.....one thing I am working on right now by writing to you.......baby steps right BFF?

Nothing Else Really Matters............

I woke up with a refreshed spirit...........embraced by the Most High...........I met the day with renewed love and gratitude........

Today is the start of a new week for me...........a new week of unfathomable possibilities and pleasure..........today I will dance for Oshun.........

Full of excitement, I popped out of bed, ready to get out into the world..........ready to live.  My normal routine on Sundays is to be lazy....to wake up early and just let time slip away........leaving me to feel like I wasted the day away doing nothing..............today was different.......today is the start of...steps of improvement....

Fear has stifled me into procrastinating..........blocking me from moving in the direction of peace, fulfillment and pleasure..........who am I kidding?........I am doing it to myself........lol

I want so badly to make it to class on time......to be prepared...........to dance for Oshun........well, let's just say I was not as late as I usually am to class.........

I finally got to class at 2:15 pm......not so bad right?  Well, bad enough.......if you know me......you will know I don't necessarily like attention.......I don't like the spotlight........Daddy taught me to be the little lady that is seen but not heard, to speak when spoken to.......wow, children are so impressionable......it stuck with me and I nurtured it and let it grow.......taking control of me and now......sometimes I don't want to be seen... lol

Oshun was with me......she danced through me......she took over me......even my teacher and dance mates could see........how she transformed me...........class was so exhilarating......nothing else matters but my body making love to the music......nothing else counts but surrendering to the fluid movements.......Nothing else really matters.................

Full........my thirst is quenched.........dancing......Oshun...........nothing else really matters............

Feel So Blah...................

BFF, so yesterday was supposed to be the day I was to see the "ex".  I guess his wife questioning his "exclusivity" made him...........put off contacting me.  I am in no way boasting or bragging, but let's face it, some people never change and he is one of them.  Don't misunderstand what I write and how I feel.  I do still love him and care for him deeply, but I love me more.  I am not the type of woman who will be involved with a married me, EVER.  I know doing something like that would block me from meeting the my soul's compliment.  I know that doing something like that would destroy me.  No matter how much I humor him and respond to him, I rather die than be a part of what he wants.........He will contact me again.......and the saga continues, with my back facing the past.....................................

BFF, I must admit, I am still hurt, still angry, still confused and yes, I still get sad.  BFF, it baffles me……..why life works the way it does, lol.  Those who do wrong live what appears to be “the good life”, while those who do right, live a life of pain and suffering.  Would I be wrong to wish he suffered the same pains he caused me?  Would I be wrong to hope that he experiences all of the painful emotions that his actions have caused me to experience?  Where would that leave me?  Off of my path to the light…………Whenever we communicate, he talks about his “intentions”, lolol.  What, he intends to fuck me whenever he feels it is real AND remain “happily” married?  Lolol.  How happy can you be if you are married BUT, you often think about fucking someone else, so much so that you reach out to communicate with them?  What I should really be asking is, why is this bullshit even on my mind?  I have to be easy and remember that I am human…….BFF, I do know one thing, I know that it is not up to me to see that what goes around comes around, that is out of my control......I know that karma will have her way............good will come to those who are good, evil will come to those who are evil........I wash my hands and continue to submit to my feelings.............but in the back of my mind, I still wonder why………..

I keep telling myself I am going to go to belly dance class on Saturdays, but it never happens.  I know I should bite the bullet and just go, it would push me to the next level of dancing. Lately, I feel so........blah..........so...............lonely...............so...........blah..............I don't know what I feel...........this is so confusing..............

Not too long ago, I would get colonics every so often........after each colonic, I felt, new, refreshed, replenished with energy.............all of the shit in my life was expelled with the shit cleared out by the colonics.............now that I don't get them that often, I feel............blah..............holding on to the shit like it is who I am...........like my identity is determined by the shit........questioning my life..........questioning the reasons I am where I am.....................questioning why I am.  I know, ultimately, I am in control.............but humanly speaking.......I am but a creature of habit........habits are made to be broken...........hehe...........that's what they say right?

Today I reflect, submit to how I feel, embrace the emotions and let them fade......slowly.......naturally......blah blah blah..............

And.....We Are Off.............

BFF, did I mention that I am off today.....yup that's right......I took another day off of work..

So many things are going on...........I thought I was going away with my co-worker D (sister soul friend), but the natural course of the economy has prevented us from making the trip.  There was also a possibility of me traveling to Cali with my bestest friend Keys (sister soul friend I knew before I was born), who owns a music management company, but I guess plans fell through.  I have to keep reminding myself that things happen for the betterment of me..........I am being protected........although I may think, feel and believe I know what is best for me, The Almight's plan, rhyme and reason for my life is what is in my best interest........no matter what!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I think I need professional help.........listen, I will be the first to admit that I have issues, faults and problems........well, when I think about it..........I can't really say that I have problems...hmmm........my mind is the problem............

"An idol mind is the devil's playground", that's what they say, right?  Well, if that is true, the devil has (of course with a little help from me, I am all about honesty, I just can't help it!) the largest, most pleasurable playground within my Kingdom!  It was not always like that........as a child, I was in control of my mind........I would day dream.......drift away.....have the blank look on my face and let me tell you it was euphoric.  As a young adult (20's and early 30's), people would ask me what I am thinking about when I went into my day dream trance, lol.  My answer would always be "Nothing".  Guess what, there was nothing really on my mind when I was day dreaming.  I know they thought it strange not to have something on the mind, but to me it was so natural, so peaceful.....

Now at 36, my day dreams are far and few between....they are more like mindmares.........and I don't like it.....I don't like to think......thinking hurts........I would always tell people that.......yeah, they thought I was crazy, but I did not give a fuck because I was happy, carefree and I had NO PROBLEMS........(I still don't give a fuck, lol!)

But how do I get back there......how do I get back to the point of not thinking, being at peace, being happy.......Oh I ask myself that every single second I am awake and breathing.  I know I am in control of my thoughts and my feelings........but sometimes for me it is so hard to make it through the day..........without pain.....without thinking.....without torturing myself......without crying.........without the devil sitting on the throne of my Kingdom, ruling my thoughts, causing me to remember pains of my past.

I remember, like it was yesterday, my childhood day dreaming trances.....drifting off into nothingness, enveloped in peace and comfort.........just writing about it makes me feel like I am on the path........path to happiness.......peace.......no thoughts......path to day dreaming again!

Maybe that is what I need to do, just sit and visualize...........sit in quietness.......be still..........allow my trances to come back to me......oh how I long for them to come back........to be better.........be longer.......more powerful..........just the thought of them puts me at ease.................................................that is what I need to do.................hold my hand........come with me...............and................we are off to Ecstasy.....................Muah!(I know you will have fun with me!)

Peace

BFF, every day, my longing grows..................I want.....I want......want so badly what I feel I don't have.........what I feel I deserve...............my wanting.....longing..........grows ever so rapidly............for I know patience is a virtue....................I know this is my "meantime"..........................patience Juicah!!!!

Today was quiet.......all around.....but my longing grows with fierce, uncontrollable force.............I must learn to meditate............to calm my thoughts.........my wants.......my desires...........I must learn to meditate, help me grow.................I must learn...........I must.......................

Reflection, introspection, submission..........................peace..............find me today.................

For tomorrow may be quiet different for me, but we will see....................

The Crazies...........

Insanity is not being of "a sound mind". 

Juicah's definition of insanity is "the act of doing something consecutively the same way, expecting a different result."  This is what I call, "the crazies".

At times we are all insane, we fight with bouts of "the crazies"...........I fight with them daily.......thinking.....believing......knowing that if I try one more time, just once more, things will be different........I know I am not the only person who does this......experiences this.............succumbs to this thing I call, "the crazies".

I find myself blindly thinking that people will treat me the way I treat them.....that people will look at my actions and reciprocate the same.............it never takes long for me to feel, see and realize the truth, I am infected by "the crazies".

The disappointment, hurt, confusion and uncertainty felt as a result of "the crazies" should be enough to make me snap.........snap the chain.............stop "the crazies" from infecting me................my spirit is so strong.............my love is so deep...............maybe "the crazies" are a part of me? so to speak...................

And once again.......I am here..........wondering why I allow "the crazies" to take over me.........why do I give so willingly?....................

My longing for what I feel I deserve...propels me to hunt.......compels me into "the crazies", lol!

I go through this all of the time.......you would think.........I would learn.........are "the crazies" a disease embedded in my DNA?.......how do I cure this? Or am I just insane?

Perhaps......stay away.........maybe.........give up hope..........stop being who I am.......for that would be the death of me.............so I battle "the crazies".........losing every time............battered and defeated...............will victory ever be mine?................my faith is strong and unwavering.............if only one more time...............I have to draw the line..........in order for me to receive my blessings...........I must look ahead and leave "the crazies" behind......................

Mr. Lovel

Listen, one of my major weaknesses is the fact that I love love and I so badly wanna be in love with a man who is in love with me!  I look for love in ALL THE WRONG PLACES, while biding my "meantime" and growing......

So, yeah BFF, remember I was telling you about the Internet dating sites?  Well, there was one guy I did not mention............I failed to include him.............the fourth guy I met.........hmmmm...........everything happens for a reason....let's see............

Mr. Lovel, cute in a secretive way, did not come off as if his aim was to meet and conquer.....Mr. Lovel played the game very slowly.....sending notes.........we finally got to the point were we exchanged telephone numbers.......but still............he played the game slowly...........

We kept in touch by texting.............texting pleasantries...........so very different from the usual.............no sexting........no dirty talk......non of that......fresh air was what I felt communicating with him.

Reluctantly, I decided to meet him yesterday afternoon............happily surprised I was when I did.  His energy is very soothing, calming and peaceful.........we met at a park, sat and talked.......something men don't do anymore (or do they?)............it was so very nice............WE ACTUALLY TALKED.........I couldn't stop blushing, couldn't stop smiling and laughing...........

We sat in the park for about an hour and a half and I felt like a child....carefree....happy....ahhhhhhhhh......He gave me the impression that he was a person.....you know what I mean.......a real person.........but then again....don't they always want you to feel safe so you can open up... hhhmmmmm. 

I felt like we had such a good time, I was sad when we both decided to leave...........he has sweet blood and the bugs were eating him alive.........

He walked me back to my car and we experience the awkward silence, you know that silence that comes about when you are not sure of your next move......when you wanna savor the moment.....lol.........I love it..........looking into each other's eyes, we both admitted that we would like to see each other again and we will continue to communicate until we did........then..............then...came the goodbye embrace........

My mind was circling, my heart pounding out of my chest.....I hope and pray that he does not feel my heart beat during the embrace.....oh my goodness.......is he gonna try to kiss me?.....what the fuck do I do?.......Oh damn, I am bursting......so fucking nervous.....what the fuck do I do?

Ok, ok Juicah, calm down........I am making a big deal about nothing.....haaaaaa......it was only a simple hug......phew....I tried to hide my sigh of relief.....not that I did not want to kiss him, his lips looks so juicy soft, lol....his eyes are so gentle and peaceful.......it was a simple hug.......lolol........but wait.......wait a damn minute....his eyes........I was losing myself in his eyes...........wait, we are still hugging..........oh hellz......it is happening...............oh my my my sweet potato pie..........

He kissed me ever so gently.....with so much passion.........my knees started to buckle......I couldn't think.....I couldn't react.......all I could do was submit........ohh Mr. Louis kissed me like he was looking for me all of his life....kissed me like he finally found the love of his life..........time stood still.........could I be dreaming.....I did not want it to end.......but I did not know how much longer I could stand it either........Mr. Louis was making me weak with his kiss.............I had to..............no.....no I don't want to..........break our embrace so that I could catch my breath, stumbling back.........trying to hide my surprise, awe, shock, curiosity and longing for more!!!!!!

I knew he knew.....lolol..........and I did not care.........I think I needed to meet Mr. Lovel..........let's see where it goes from here....................

You've Got To Be Kidding Me.....................................

BFF, I know everyone is different...........we have our own experiences....perceptions......reactions..........Am I wrong for thinking that people should treat me the way I treat them?...................hmmmm

I am not selfish, so naturally, I expect those in my circle to be the same............"expect" is the operative word.

It could just be me, I know I go to extremes!!! If I am doing something, I give it my mind, heart, body and soul!!!!!!!!!!!! I GO IN!  LOLOL!!!

Ok let me stop with the word games and beating around the bush!!!!!!!  I am talking about lazy ass lovers........men (it is not just the men, but I don't have sex with women anymore so I can't talk about them, lol, jokes, just jokes)........who are lazy lovers..........men who think, feel and act like getting their dicks sucked IS A PREREQUISITE for sex...........

NEWS FLASH!  BREAKING NEWS!!! It isn't!!!

How the fuck do you expect me to suck your dick if you ain't gonna eat my pussy? You've got to be kidding me, right?

Pushing my head down to your dick is not going to make me suck it, lol.......ohh, ohh and if I push your head down to my pussy, will you eat it? 

Shit goes both ways..........HELLO??????..............

It baffles me............completely confused..........you expect me to orally please you, with my full lips and four tongue rings, but you won't even return the favor?  Am I the only female that thinks this way?

I was not put on this earth to suck your dick, slob all over it, massage it with my tongue and lips, do tricks and you just relax and enjoy............what about my pleasure?.......what about my pussy?............fuckin me is not enough!

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I don't think so............I take pleasure very serious and I think it is fucked up that men act like eating pussy will cause them to get cancer of the mouth!

What would you do if you never got your dick sucked, unless you ate pussy?  Hmmmm, I bet you would be the best pussy eatin man on the face of the earth.  You would have a Doctrine in it. 

Sadly, this has opened my eyes to the fact that the "double standard" still lives!  Well, it lives, but it is about to die with me.  I have made a vow to myself that I am not going to......nor do I have to........tolerate this kind of bullshit.............I WILL NO LONGER SUCK DICK IF YOU AIN'T GONNA EAT MY PUSSY.....and lemme tell you..........you will definitely miss out on a trip of a lifetime if you are the kind of man who doesn't eat pussy (especially mine! haha)!

You gotta be fuckin kiddin me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (SHMFH!!)

What Do You Want Me To Say? LOL

Now that we are official BFFs, I think you can handle this next episode........of Juicah's secret internet dating, lol..

The third guy I decided to meet from the site is David.  Ok this is kind of strange so don't shake your head or judge me, lolol.  David's screen name is BigDaddyi, that is the name I knew him as.  We sent each other a few emails on the site and exchanged numbers.  Honestly, because he did not immediately call or write me, I forgot about him.

Out of nowhere, he sends me a text with a pic of him.  Hmmmmmmm, hmmmm wait, ok, his pic is kind of fuzzy but I could tell that he works out.  Could not see his face at all but that did not matter at this point because neither of us were consistently texting each other. So, his first text to me was on June 9th early in the morning. I decided to text him back when I got to work.  When he responded, he came off as being "hood".  Calling me "mami', using the term "Gucci", lol stuff like that.  By the early afternoon of June 10, we were texting and sending each other pictures.  He kept commenting on how he was going to fuck the shit out of me, how I need to rest so I can take it, all kinds of shit.  I was starting to get excited, but I felt the old Juicah resurfacing.  We finally broke down, well, I finally broke down and called him.  To my pleasant surprise, he was able to hold a conversation and he had a nice voice.

Being that I was at work, I did not have the opportunity to speak with him for a long time so we had to continue our conversation via text. Life happens and the days rolled on as we continued to communicate. Yesterday was no different.  We decided to meet up tonight for some drinks, to just talk and chill.  I was a bit excited but I did not allow it to get out of hand.  Remember, I told myself I was going to do things differently.

BFF, thank goodness he kept me company throughout the day because yesterday was very boring.  I did some research on Oshun and fell more in love with her. I will explain everything about Oshun later!

The day finally ended and I was hoping that Sam would not contact me so that I could see what this BigDaddy was all about.  Don't get me wrong, when ever I see Sam, it is like I live out a Dave Chapelle episode, laughs, laughs, thought provoking keepin it real laughs, and more laughs.  It is ok for me to play nice and make new friends, right? 

All day BigDaddy and I were talking shit to each other, you know that verbal tension talk, but we did agree that we wanted to see each other early and try to get the most out of the evening.

I finally got home and was getting ready to go out with him. BFF let me stop leaving things out, lol.  I know I said that I was not going to repeat certain behaviors, but he was so cute in his pics, I could not help myself..........I...........I.... I agreed to go to his place for the evening and I actually felt comfortable with my decision.

I got ready, BFF of course I was running late, but I wanted to make sure I was on point.  I also wanted to take some time out to give Oshun an offering to ensure that the evening would be full of passion and pleasure, I just wanted to make sure that we had a good time together.

I got in my car and called him for directions to his place. Constantly looking at his pics did not help me out at all, they just made me nervous.  That pic of him in the red shirt..........ohh he looks so cute, that is no help at fucking all.  Ok, I had to calm down a little, so I took a clip with me for the ride so I would be mellow.  Needless to say, nothing I did worked.  As I was driving on the highway to Brooklyn, I was feeling nauseous, thank goodness I keep a bottle of water in the car.

The ride seemed like forever, but was not long enough to give me time to calm down.  Parking my car, I called him to make sure I was in the correct area.  Lucky me, I found a parking spot right across the street from his place.  I was hoping that he did not have a basement apartment, I guess the universe decided to ignore my request. LOLOL.

No expectation, no disappointments, right BFF?  Well, that is what I was thinking at this point.

WHAT THE FUCK? WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE.  Lawd aves murcy, this man made me stop in my tracks when I saw him.  Leaving my car, we were still on the phone and I lost track of the conversation, I was stuck! 

As I was walking away from my car, crossing the street to his house, his beauty became more clear. I fucking stopped walking and gave him the complete once over and he noticed.  My heart started bulging out of my chest.  His pictures did him no justice, it misrepresented him so badly.

He is tall, golden carmel complexion, full juicy soft lips, passionately piercing curious eyes, massively tattooed on his back and arms, bling bling jewelry sparkling, bright radiant inviting smile, my legs started shaking.  It was like my entire body was trembling from excitement and anticipation.  I was trying to calm down.......not to sure I did a good job.....lol

Damn he is fine!!!

We hugged, while we stood in the stairway.  LOLOL.  I tried to give him a generic hug and he mentioned it, lolol.  We laughed about it and I told him that when we got inside, I would give him a proper hug.  He was at the bottom step and I was at the top and he was still taller than me, lolol.

When we got inside, I had to take off my shoes, thank goodness I did my toes.  When you get to know me better BFF, you would know that I had on a house dress that looked like I was going out to a party. lol.  He commented that he wanted us to be comfortable and I was all dressed up.  Ha, I told him that I was wearing a house dress and he mumbled something under his breath, lolol.

Shoes off and ready to give him a proper hug, I started to sweat and tremble even more. Lawd, I melted in his arms.  He is ohhhh so damn yummy.  Smile is bright and inviting, lips are full and soft looking, hmmmmm hmmmm hmmmm:  Ok ok I had to calm my shit down.  I felt like in his arms are where I am meant to be.  He hugged me like he was praying God send me to him for all time, like he was waiting to love me foreva!! (Doesn't it alwasy feel and seem like that in the beginning? I may be intense and passionate, but I aint a fool!)

He could not stop looking at me, I could not stop looking at him.  It was starting to get hot, I felt like I had to do something......thank goodness.....he went to the kitchen to get our drink and I sat down, trying to calm down before he returned.

With drink in hand, he walked over to where I was sitting on the couch and lit me up. Both of us must have been thinking and feeling the same things because we had fixated smiles on our faces.  I guess both of us could not believe what was in front of us.  We made small talk as we sat on his couch drinking.  Yummy, the piff hit the spot...he does not smoke but had something for me, heheh, how sweet of him!. 

WOW, I must say, his apartment and meeting him was so much nicer than I expected.  WHA?  He has two Pits, well mannered, non stanking dogs in his apartment with him. (ahahahaha, I kill myself)

We laughed and talked more................he moved closer to me, I tried to move away.  I really wanted to see what he was about, I wanted him but I really wanted to talk.  Lawd knows how I struggle with my desires....I guess my energy is very strong, he must have felt it, causing him to sit up on the couch as we continued to get more familiar.  I can't remember what the conversation was about, but all of a sudden he said he wanted me to get closer to him because he could not hear what I was saying.

What a great idea it was for him to have gangsta music playing loud, who could hold a conversation over that? Well, I did not help it either, I could have spoken louder but part of me wanted to get closer to him also.

Wait, wait.  We joked around and he asked me if I had on underwear.  I told him, "I don't know you like that, lol, of course I do!"  We both laughed in unison and then there was that magnetic stare and awkward silence between us.

 It dawned on me that we did not know each other's names.  So, I asked him if he knew my name and he said no.  That is when we both cracked up.  We exchanged names and I said, "What kind of shit is this?  You invite some strange woman to your house and you don't know her name and I go over some strange man's house and don't know his mane."  Great, another ice breaker was out of the way.  We felt more comfortable after that and continued to drink, talk and laugh.

He leaned over and grabbed my waist in an attempt to be me to move closer to him. His power weakened me and before I knew it, we were kissing.  Rewind, He pulled me closer and I melted in his mouth.  His lips are so soft and  inviting, his tongue so soft and passionate.  His kiss felt like he was in love with me for years, ohh I did not ever want to stop, but I had to.  I felt myself slipping and he knew what was happening.

He stood me up and let his hand roam my body as he told me, "this is what a black woman's body should feel like".  Lawd, you know I am shy........and his kiss was .............fuck it made me sweat.... I had to escape his grasp but it felt so right.  He took off my dress and stood me in front of him admiring my body.  His massive hands all over me, fuck this ................ damn I wanted ..................................

I straddled him, or at least tried too, he is so massive.  It felt like we were two puzzle piece that fit together.  Pleasantly surprised, HE IS PACKIN!  We continued kissing, touching, feeling, moaning, oh so much passion.  Oshun granted my wishes and then some!

I know he felt my desire for him and I felt his also.  We touched each other, kissed each other, loved each other like we had done this before.  His kiss made me shutter, wanting more.  My little hands exploring the landscape of his body sent me in a whirlwind of aggression.  I pulled off his shorts and asked him for protection.  Sliding his hand under one of the couch pillows, he pulls it out and puts it on as he looks at me intensely.  (Hmmm, he was a little more than prepared, lol)

I usually know what I am getting myself into, but I did not know this time.  When he said he was gonna fuck the shit out of me, he was not lying.  All fucking night we fucked, all over his apartment. On the real, BigDaddy is the correct name for him.  I am biting my lip as I am typing this.  The memories of what he did to me tonight are out of control.

It has been some time since I have met a guy who can kiss and fuck to my liking. Please let David want me for all eternity (lol, I hope you don't take that too seriously)............writing this and thinking about him is making me dizzy.... (hehehe)

His dick is so big I had to beg him to be easy with me, beg him to let me get used to him and it before he went hard.  That was of no fucking use, he fucked the living shit out me.  He fucked me so good and so fucking hard that my pussy was drippin.  His dick was so wet from my pussy juices that he slipped a couple of times and almost went into my ass.  Well, not almost.  At one point we were fucking the shit out of each other, sweat all over the place, dogs quite cause they were afraid, he got me so wet he slipped into my ass with such force that my ass was bleeding.  He knew what happened and could not stop apologizing.  I had to rest.  Fuck that, my rest did not last for too long, before he knew it, he had on another condom and I was riding my new Daddy!

Let me calm down, this part is killing me.  Ohh, I stayed the night and we continued into next morning, this morning.  Everything about last night and him made me feel like we belonged together, sexually! (Come on, I know you did not think I meant together in a relationship.) 

He told me to stay and wait for him to come back, asked me to come back tonight.  I have to go to dance class this morning, so I had to leave, but I wanted to stay.

Ohh grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, why did he behave like he has been loving me, why did he give me passionate kisses as we fucked while looking into my eyes, why did he give me playful kisses, hold me while we slept........he did everything right...........now I wanna see him again.............great just great........Oshun is in me, with me.......

Since then, we text a few times during the day but he is always calling me baby and stuff like that, telling me that he misses me and wants to see me.......we will see........

Ok, before I leave, let's get one thing straight................my feeling run deep.......my emotions are strong..........I write what I feel, but don't ever get me wrong........I am not the typical woman..........that is my only claim..........I do what brings me pleasure..........I AIN'T NEVA ASHAMED!!!!!!!!

Peaceful Anxiety............My Psychic Tension

To be peaceful is a state of being "untroubled by conflict, stress, agitation, misfortune, or commotion; being quiet, tranquil".   Anxiety is "distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune", "earnest but tense desire; eagerness" or even "a state of apprehension and psychic tension". Can you feel both of these emotions at once?  I often do.....................I do today.

Their meanings are almost complete opposites.........opposites are identical in nature but different in degrees or vibration .........stay with me........

According to the Kybalion's "Principle of Polarity", everything is dual; everything has poles; everything has its pair of opposities; like and unlike are the same; opposistes are identical in nature, but different in degree; extremes meet; all truths are but half-truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled....meaning.........in everything.....I mean EVERYTHING....there are two poles, or opposite aspects....these opposites are really only the two extremes of the same thing, with many varying degrees between them....... Psychic tension................hmmmmm........psychics claim to have an ability to perceive information hidden from the normal senses through extrasensory perception (ESP), or is said by others to have such abilities........tension is stretching, strain, stress, inner striving, unrest or imbalance............................

Let me start from the beginning.......as I child.......I felt and saw things......things that others did not or were not willing to see or feel............When I was angry as a child, I noticed my thoughts were intense, painful and full of scenerios that would cause harm to those involved in them.  My anger was such that if focused on a object, it would move............lights would flicker or blow out..........doors would slam...............I would hear of unfortunate things happening to those who angered me.....................

Growing up, my focus was on getting through until the next day............my stuggles lied in the way my peers treated me.....trying to keep my temper at bay.........trying not to let that side out.................I was not always successful.............people would get hurt just from my thoughts..............say what you like............it is still with me.......

As an adult, I feel ever so deeply...........I am able to feel other's joys and pains...............I am able to absorb other's energy...........to feel, see and sense things before they occur...........not until recently I am comfortable enough to admit these things................we all have "powers".............some choose to nurture and master them, while others are not aware.............we all have them..................

I used to be afraid..........I now welcome with openness and peaceful anxiety what lies ahead of me..........the growth of my psychic tension...........with my new found understanding and acceptance of this very special part of me...............the part that separates me from the rest.........but connects me to all...........

During the course of the day, I felt it.........peaceful anxiety............my psychic tension was telling me that the ex was thinking, feeling, pondering something about me.......telling me that he would contact me shortly..........telling me that things don't appear as he makes them seem............the truth will be revealed..........no need to continue to look at the past.................telling me to stay the path..............remember...........remember the "ECLIPSE" Juicah........hahahahah................

Let me scare you a little BFF..................this afternoon, in my peaceful anxiety..........my psychic tension.........I received a text from the ex...........he wanted to know if I could recall the last time we saw each other (was this a ploy to communicate with me or something more deep...........his wife got a hold of some pics/vids of him and me........................starting to question his exclusivity............(zebras don't lose or change their strips, wink!)....my psychic tension............peaceful anxiety.........runs so very deeply...............

BFF, I wanted to ask him questions................say things which have not been said.............my pyshcic tension...........directs me........guides me.........protects me...............for I already know what he will say............already know what the outcome will be..................

Do I allow this to take control of me, my natural curiosity........do I let Karma and the forces of the Universe be.........they swaddle me in my peaceful anxiety...........

I sit and absorb the energies.........listen to My Ancestors, connect the situation with their meanings..............this may all be strange to you BFF, but it is real to me..............I am connected, but separate.............

Confusion sets in, but I am still at peace............take a few deep breaths...............close my eyes and feel everything, its so intense................

I welcome the future and learn from the past............my life is not easy, but I am having a fucking blast!.......loving my peaceful anxiety.........my psychic tension

Eclispe...........................

According to Wikipedia "a lunar eclipse occurs when the moon passes behind the earth so that the earth blocks the sun's rays from striking the moon. This can occur only when the Sun, Earth, and Moon are aligned exactly, or very closely so, with the Earth in the middle. Hence, there is always a full moon the night of a lunar eclipse. The type and length of an eclipse depend upon the Moon's location relative to its orbital nodes. The most recent total lunar eclipse occurred on December 21, 2010, at 08:17 UTC. The next total lunar eclipse on June 15, 2011 will be a central eclipse, visible over Europe and South America after sunset, over Africa and most of Asia, and Australia before sunrise.

Unlike a solar eclipse, which can only be viewed from a certain relatively small area of the world, a lunar eclipse may be viewed from anywhere on the night side of the Earth. A lunar eclipse lasts for a few hours, whereas a total solar eclipse lasts for only a few minutes at any given place."

Did we all get that, today there will be a total lunar eclipse.  BFF, I am sure you are asking, "What the fuck does this all mean to me?" lol.  Well, let's put it like this.  The alignment of the stars, planets, earth and moon effect the water, the earth and our emotions.  Think about it like this, up to 60% of the human body is water, the brain is composed of 70% water, and the lungs are nearly 90% water, lean muscle tissue contains about 75% water by weight, as is the brain; body fat contains 10% water and bone has 22% water and about 83% of our blood is water.  So with that being said, we too are effected by what happens in the sky, lol.

You may not notice or be too intuned, but I am.  I feel things so very intensely, I welcome the thought of being connected to something that is great than me, connected to nature, the universe, God!  Working with the energies to move things, make situations happen, open the doors of opportunity, wow, the sky is the limit.  Ohh BFF sorry for going off on a tangent, but this is so very exciting if you knew what I know (wink!).

With the eclipse approaching, I must say, I FEEL GREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAATTTT! (like Tony the Tiger would say, but put some ghetto in it, lol).  But I have noticed things............noticed..........how certain people have started to contact me..........hmmmmm!

I know I am not going crazy, people from your past contact you for all different reasons.  As for me, if more than 3 people from, scratch that, if more than 3 men from my past contact me within the course of a 24 hour period within a week of an astrological event, it is not a coincident. It is directly related to what is going on in the sky.  Yup, you got that right, it happened to me.

So, yesterday was the beginning of contact, lol.  Shaking my head as my phone vibrates and I see the names, "DO NOT ANSWER" or "DIS EASE", yeah, I know what the fuck this is about, and "fuck" is exactly what they wanted to do, lolol.

Let me get this straight, by NO MEANS am I saying or do I think that I am the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. I am far from conseated, stuck up or boschie, I will tell you that..................................

 I KNOW I AM ONE SEXY BITCH!   LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

So to me, if a man from my past is contacting me, it is only for one reason, to fuck! (There is so much more to me than just that, when will they realize?)

With such urgency...........talking to me like we communicate every day........."I have to see you", "Can't wait to see you".......is that right?  I know I don't have "Sucka" tattooed across my forehead in invisible ink that only men can see, lol.

See, I notice things......this is not a coincident...........let's go back and look at other meanings for eclipse.......

According to the "Free Dictionary Online", eclipse can mean: "The partial or complete obscuring", "To obscure; darken", "A temporary or permanent dimming or cutting off of light" or "To obscure or diminish in importance, fame, or reputation". 

Now, that is quite interesting.... very interesting.............

Hmmmmmmm, now, when I clear my mind, it comes to me.......so bright, so obvious............See, life is a bit more involved than what is on the surface.  Sometimes you have to gather facts, step back and let the truth come to you..............

My truth............the truth.........are two different things...........

People who "were" in your life in the past, but do not remain there currently, are in the past for a reason.  Now let's calm down and open up for a moment to get this one... lolol......

When you are on the right path.........when you are following the light........the past.....demons.....will catch up with you to try to prevent you from all your blessings ahead............try to block or "obscure" your path...........no one is exempt from this....well, no one who is following the light.......

Ok, now this is getting good......what matters the most, in situations like this, is how you DECIDE to FEEL, ACT, REACT AND THINK, when this happens.......with a clear mind......with wisdom..............you will not be effected by the "eclipse".......you will not be negatively effected by those people of your past who are trying to snatch your light from you........(hahaha, I am writing this for me also, BFF, MUAH!)  You will be so intuned with yourself and nature that you will be able to experience situations from the point of observing them, while being involved in them.  You will be able to identify when you are experiencing an "eclipse".

I feel so deeply about energy, karma and the like.......I make it my business to overstand (yes, I wrote that) or at least I try to.........

My eclipse, although it assisted in my good feelings..........it also took a toll on me.............contemplating.......wondering....pondering.....this is nerve racking........my emotions, desires......ohh the pleasures......they haunt me............my heart skips a beat..........you know what you do to me.......my eclipse......the memories......................I sit back and see my emotions, feel my emotions, see myself going through this experience.....................

Although I feel, I observe other's behavior.............I observe my feelings.................I don't react....................I just observe........................clarity comes with observation.......................

You see........the eclipse means so much to me.......................it has opened the door for me to see...............see things more clearly......................see what is ahead and behind me......................

Just Don't Give a Fuck.......................

BFF, back to our little secret about the internet dating thing, lol.

The second guy I decided to me, correction.  The second guy that decided to meet me is Elliott.  He is a 27 year old professor who is studying for his PhD.  He plays the piano for his church, lives in New Jersey with his parents, owns his own car and is working towards growth.

Well, I enjoyed chatting with him.................now meeting his was a completely different situation. We decided to go see "The Hangover 2" as a first date.  Honestly, I don't think movies are a good first day date because you are unable to talk to the person.  Isn't that the purpose of the first date, to talk?  He admitted that he does not like comedies, they just don't make him laugh, but he heard so much about this movie that he wanted to see it.

We both enjoyed the movie and I just knew it was time to end the date.  Nope, I was wrong.  He was starving and he wanted to see the basketball game so we HAD to find a bar so he could watch it.  Rolling my eyes, I complied and I kept my fucking mouth shut.  So, he was showing his selfish side already and I humored him.

Don't judge me, I tend to allow fuckery to happen so I can get a full picture of things.  In my mind I was cussing his trifling ass out, but then again, I did allow this bullshit.

I have no problem with the fact that people want to grow within their time on earth, that is what he was doing.  My issue with him is the fact that he analyzes EVERYTHING. Ohh let me mention that he ANALYZES EVERYTHING.  Not only did he analyze everything but he made jokes with reference to my age and the era I grew up in.  At first, I did not think much of it, but when I noticed that he did it quite often, it started to bother me.  I smiled and brushed it off.  I wanted to see if he was more than just the analytical man he presented to me.

I know he felt my energy turning from welcoming to standoffish; I did not give a flying fuck either.  Between analyzing my answers to his questions, analyzing my questions and making snide remarks or jokes about my age, I wanted to get up and go home.

Instead, I ordered a burger and gazed out the window at the moon. When our date was finally over, we walked to his New Jersey train, said our "goodbyes" and I walked, by myself, to the F train.  He was a gentleman in that he paid for the entire date, but not a gentleman in that he kept me out late (humor me) and did not walk me to my train.

After that night, I did not communicate with him at the level I used to.  I did not ignore him, but I did not reach out to him first any longer.  Ask me if I care, cause the answer will be HELLZ TO DA NO!!!!!  I am getting to the point that I just don't give a fuck!

I Know Who You Are...........Does She?

36 years on this earth feels like forever... and ever... and ever......as a child (and even now at times) I feel as if I was born to absorb some of the pains of the earth.  BFF, does that make me special?  Live a day in my shoes, feel what I feel, think what I think....hmm, I wonder, sometimes it feels like a curse.....

A curse to feel the intensities that I feel, a curse to give of myself only to be hurt, what the fuck is this thing called "MY LIFE"?

I always knew and felt that there was someone or something looking after me.  I remember going to church as a child and crying, overcome with the "spirit", afraid to do wrong, afraid to question, scared to explore.  Hmm, was that the conditioning that religion wanted to have on me, or could it be something greater that I was too young to see? 

And that brings me to where I am now..........what.....what have I done with this life?  Ohh Lawd please help me, I have tried so hard but to no avail, this pain that I feel never seems to end, never seems to cease.... Why does it haunt me.....like a demon on my back, climbing, scratching, drawing blood until it reaches my kingdom and takes control of my thoughts.

Why do you fucking haunt me so, please just let me go........I loved you, I love you...you know, you knew....All the times my phone rang, I wished it was you.... let me go... set me free.... let me be.....

You moved, you walked away with my heart, you walked away with my world......you shut me out but made sure you left my door ajar.......kept your foot at the baseboard, you know I will always let you in.....no matter what.........what we shared is stronger than what you think you have......who are with......your thoughts of me haunt you, your day dreams, your sleep....

You try to escape what nature can't explain, you occupy your time and thoughts......only to come back to the source.........killing me slowly as you take your course.......your hell on earth is eternal without me.....you put up a front, change your surroundings, the company you keep, only to reach out to me........you seek my love, passion......memories of me haunt you, consume you, vividly playing over in your mind.......how much longer are you going to make yourself suffer.....ohh you like the pain too?

I ask myself why, why did you take so much from me.....walk away.......only to start anew........afraid I know who you are.........afraid I would not just let it be...........

Who you are remains the same......the new people and places are the only things that have changed.  Deep down inside you long for me, while you play the role to appease your fans, lolol, shit don't never change unless you really want it to.

You say you are happy, please tell me how can that be?  You left what we had, move on, said that you grew, lol, but you still call wanting to see me. I know the truth, it is not in your eyes, they lie just like the words that escape mouth.  I know the truth, the hidden messages between your words.  Who do you think you are fooling? If you tell yourself over and over, then you will believe your own words? LOLOL

Your heart is where it is, your mind and desire are with me, so tell me, how happy can you really be? 

Oh, I thought I was in pain, living in regret..........ha.....the old folks always say you never know what you have until you lose it.......is that why you reach out to me, is that why you long for my honey?  Don't answer, your actions tell all. 

Niggas don't neva change..........I know you don't know what I mean......you will one day when you experience what I have..........I love you.....that will never change........nigga or not.........this I just can't explain..........

We are connected, attracted, attached.................but I beg you, please let me go.........set me free.........if I can't have you completely..........you choose your path, while mine is clear........don't ruin my chance to get what you will NEVER have.........

Now, Today

So many things happen during the course of a day...an hour....minute.....second.......

It is our responsibility to figure out what we should give our attention to.......hmmmm......it sounds so easy, but yet, can be so hard..................

My mind runs away with everything........with anything.......I find myself fantasizing about the littlest things..........which turns into big things in my life.....

Currently, I have been single for 6 years........I never thought I would be here, but I am............trying to make sense of this thing called life............sort out my feelings and thoughts...........

I often think about my past.........wondering why the Universe did not work things out the way I wanted it to.............cussing, crying.........depressed because I feel cheated............reading, searching.......looking for the answers that may never come.............why do I feel so empty......so hollow..............

I have been asked, "What is wrong with you?", "You are such a wonderful woman, why are you single?"  I ask myself that question every day I breath.  I have come to the conclusion that I am being prepared, I am being protected, I am blessed....................

But in the meanwhile, I am having so much fun living and being single.... Haha

Which brings me to my secret.........shhhhh........just between you and I, ok?  Pinky swear!

I used to frequent the online dating sites, in hopes to find the my soul mate.  I dated 2 guys I met online. 

The relationship with the first guy, named Marlos (yeah this is not his real name, lol), lasted 4 years.  It ended the way it started, on the Internet.  I found out that he was cheating with several girls........I even contacted a few of them....you know women don't believe what is right before their eyes..............

The second guy from the Internet, named Will (aka the ex), I dated for 5 years.  I just knew we were going to get married.  He treated me like I was mother earth, did all the right things, said all the right things, but he was faking it.  Hmmmm, so very painful when he allowed his true self to come out....he cheated (I saw it, walked right in on the act, lol)...I stayed.....it got worse from that point on............he hurt me....I loved him more.......and the pain continued......it ended with him telling me he needed to man up, lol.  Silly me, even after we parted, we continued to fuck........Nature took its course and we stopped but pieces of my heart remain with him.  He recently contacted me claiming that I am always on his mind............he wants to see me.........vivid memories of us he can't escape......(Really now? Does that sound like something in one of my other blogs? Stay with me now!)..........I guess he went on to the next one......one who does not care that he has no morals, one who, like me, refuses to see who he really is.

Our conversation went from him being in a situation, then having a girlfriend to being married..........all the while he still wanted to fuck me......let me repeat........he moved on to the next one, one who does not care that he has no morals and refuses to see who he really is.............

I am in love with love.  You can hurt me and I will still love you......but, I will not do anything, I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING that will knowingly hurt someone's future or my own.  I know Karma exists and I pride myself and my actions in such a way that I WILL NOT FUCK WITH KARMA!

So, No, no, I did not see him, but I want to so badly.  Just can't seem to shake how I feel......the anger, betrayal, confusion, rejection, love, lust, desire, passion..........How happy can he really be if he is thinking of fucking me?  Honestly, that is a question I should not ask, it is not my problem anymore............(but I still love him, or do I love the idea of him, haha!!!)...............

Let me clarify........I am hurt by Will's actions, he was a major part of my life...helped shape who I am......but I do not hate him or anyone else I write about......my love is an unconditional love, I am simply writing how I feel....something that I really can't explain..........ok now back to it........

After the tragedy/blessing of him breaking up with me, I jumped right back in............feeling even more hollow and empty.............this is too fucking much, too many games........so, I took a break...............there were some questions I needed answers to........questions about my life.............my heart............my thoughts..................I have gotten to the point where I understand me........where I am happy............

So now, I am back on secretly...........same shit, different day....lol... that is how the saying is......this time around.......I am different...........

I must have way too much time on my hands..............I am not doing all I should be doing.....well, I am single so I got time to waste, right?

I met another guy, named Sam, 4 years ago on an Internet dating site.  He and I remain friends....although we have the oddest relationship.........correction.....we are not in a relationship, but we have one, lolol.....what ever that means......

Since Sam is so into the new found thrill a new business venture, I find that he does not really spend as much time with me. I guess that is a good thing cause at times I feel like spending time with him dumbs me down causing me to think that the world starts and ends where ever he is concerned.  They say that people in the ghetto never leave because their world is the ghetto, lol. Sam is my ghetto!

Sam set me straight a few times, telling me his business ventrue is his livelihood and I should not take it lightly. See, according to him, we are so completely different because I know where my next pay check is coming from while he doesn't.  For him, his pay depends on him and the business.  Lol. He must not think he has choices or options. So, instead of hitting my head against the wall like I usually do and end up feeling lonely, I secretly subscribed to those two dating sites and created profiles. 

It has not even been a month and I have received hits. Some came from guys I met when I was an active member before, some new. So far, I met 4 guys.

Why oh why can't I met a guy near my age range who is either getting his stuff together or already got it. Why are these young guys hitting me up?

 I decided to take a different approach this time, not make the same mistakes. I am happy to tell you, I was on the right path. I was and am determined to break the Juicah cycle, lol. Well let me tell you what happened.

The first guy I decided to met, Don, works on 42nd street in the city. We decided to meet for lunch one afternoon. What a pleasant surprise! Don is a big, muscular guy, from the south. He actively plays sports, football and works out every chance he gets (which is almost every day). He got hurt playing football, so when we met he was walking with a cane. That did not matter to me, I really enjoyed chatting and texting him.

When we met, I was very nervous, but his spirit was warm and calming. We walked to a Thai restaurant as we talked. When we got there, we ordered something to eat. Let me mention that he was very gentleman-like, he made sure I walked on the inside of the sidewalk, opened the restaurant door for me, suggested food and drink, hmmm chivalry is not dead, is it? Or could this all be an act?  LOL

After our first meeting/date, we continued to communicate at the same level.  Sporadic texts and phone calls.  Nothing really consistent.  We decided to meet the next day for a quick second just so we could see each other.  I must say, there was an attraction between us that was based on curiosity, nothing more.

Something happened, the ex contacted me wanting to see me to fuck. I won't lie, I still love and miss him but I am too much of a prize, too much of a Queen to give him my honey! He does not deserve it and being that he is married and contacting me to fuck makes it all the more worse. Let me take responsibility for my part in this because I have been participating. You see, it is one thing for him to contact me, it is another thing for him to contact me and I humor him. You got it, I have humored him so much that we set dates to see each other every time he reaches out to me. When the day comes, he never calls or texts and neither do I.  It does not surprise me that he contacts me when new people have come into my life.  Hmmmm!

Our third meeting/date was great, hmmm.  We went to Dave and Busters for some drinks after work.  We both admitted that there was an attraction but being that he is such a gentleman, he wanted to wait and get to know me better.  (Wait for????????) He claimed he did not want to move too fast or get sexual just yet.  You know I was a bit upset, my curiosity was killing me, but I do and did appreciate the fact that no matter what I did or said to him, he did not bend.  Ok, I admit, the old Juicah was bursting out ever so often.

Not sure where this came from but Don came straight out and told me what he thought was going on with me. Ron told me that something was on my mind.  He felt that an ex or something was contacting me and it was disturbing my energy.  Ok, we will go into the energy thing in another blog because it is really deep. During the conversation, he admitted that his ex constantly contacts him. lolol.  Ohh and by the way, I did not believe for one minute that Don felt my energy, I think that he was just playing the game, lolol.  Haha, I play harder!!!!!!!!!! People usually project onto others what is really happening to them!!!!! Growth baby growth, lolol!

I must admit, what I liked about him the most was that he seemed spiritual.  I thought we really enjoyed each other's company. Although Don was attracted to me (so he said), you would think that we would slowly start to communicate more. After the third meeting/date, I have not heard from him. I did reach out to him and he told me that he was sorry for not communicating but he had a lot of stuff on his mind regarding his injury and surgery he was scheduling.  BULLSHIT!!! Come on son! Are you serious? Ok, no big deal, God works in mysterious ways.  I recently sent him a text telling him that I was saddened by his lack of communication and I will not be contacting him anymore.  Guess niggas are taking less time to show their nigganess, lol. 

On to the next!!!! LOL