I
have to start writing out my random thoughts..........I think this will be a
better way for us to stay in touch........along with my normal diary
entries....
Ok........sooooo............ohh
shit. I am so freaking anxious and nervous and so many other things at the same
time....
Ok...........please
be a little patient with me.......I am all over the place............I want to
start from the beginning.......but I am just gonna start because I feel like I
am about to explode.............
Deep
breaths..............First let me start by saying..........how in the world
could I ever forget this..........when I was not writing to you on the
net......I was writing to you in diaries.........I carried with me every day
and wrote in every single day. So much has been going on that I completely
forgot about those diaries. I am going to post those pages some how or
another.......they contain tons of information that is very pertanent to what
is happening now....what I am "actively" participating in.I hope I made it clear in my prior blogs..............I hope I made it very clear that all of the life experiences I write about are from my perspective.........I am writing from the view I see from the glasses on MY face..............My claim to fame is not about being right or wrong...........it is about the experience.........and like all humans.............we have set backs (but what is really a set back?)........we make mistakes (hmmm...in the grand scheme of life...there are no mistakes)............we change our minds (welllll........if there is one thing that I have learned through my experience on this plane.....it would be that the one thing in life that is constant is change, lol......really try to overstand that one, lol) and last but not least............(Drum roll please) Although we are able to change our minds.....we do not change who we are at our soul level!!!!!
Take
a seat and try not to look too confused................but please keep
reading..............(this was supposed to be a ramdom thought, lol)
I
have said, "I make it my business not to be that "TYPICAL"
woman"..........."I won't"......."Karma", lol and shit
like that..............Ya..............retrospection time
Juicah................Hell..........like I said....this is my life and I am not
ashame of any part of it..............but I do want to make some pointers
here......to show you something...
(Shit.........Maybe
I should start doing vlogs...........I have so much I want to say, lol)
I
am not sure if you have noticed..........but I have........the undertone in my
blogs..............the longing for answers.......longing for
love..............longing for the feeling of belonging to you...........longing
for you to finally stop fucking playing this game and return to me......where
you can truely live your fantasy...............Ok....I have to stop
myself.....................cause I started to go into the "feeling
zone"........Yahhh...but Bff, did you also notice that undertone. It is
also there when I express the lower emotions I have felt about people and
situations (I will use "lower emotions" instead of "negative
emotions". I am slowly learning that there is no such thing as negative,
lol. I will tell you about that later.) Although I may feel
hurt...............although I express what I feel as hurt............do you
still get the sense that I long.............and "long" is in no way
the right word to use to describe the nothingness that is still eating me from
the inside out..............for you...
Wait...........I
know I am not explaining this the right way.....let me start
over...............
Bff.......I
am fucking starving................and this dont make no damn sense. I have
enough money.........I have everything needed to get the nurishment to sustain
my body...........what am I lacking that prevents me from getting the complete
nurishment for my soul?
Check
this one out Bff....For years I quesioned why I was not given the invitation to
go to the store that has the "complete nurishment" package for my
soul..............I actually got an invitation to do a little exploring in the
store.........
...........Years
after what felt like my soul being turned to dust...............when I finally
forgot about………….an opportunity came to me.
Bff, it was an invitation to go to the store….a personal invitation……….Bff…my
invitation came straight from the owner of the store……..Fuck me…………..I must be
something fucking special……..I sure do feel like I am… Ok Bff…..I am something
fucking special if I got a personal invitation to the store I have been dying
to go to………..Fuck yes!!!!!!!!(lol)
The
sales reps were so very nice. They answered all of my questions and made me
feel like the store was my home. I
started to get a bit excited........started to feel whole, lol. All the years my soul was begging.............crying...........shouting
for you, the nourishment for my soul, to love me that special way you
do............then it dawned on me………as I looked around in awe……..there was
nothing around me……….nope I was not in the store…………
All
of these years I was hurt and confused…………until that day………..that it came to me……thanks
to you…………..
Right
in my face but too hard to see………..not physically together but you were truly loving
me.
The
body gets old………….the mind will lie…………our souls are connected……….our souls
love with last for all time
Never
alone……….never too far…………always connected………my shining star…….
But
I still question why…………………..????
LOLOL………..Bff………….I
am never satisfied!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
