Hey BFF, sorry I did not write to you yesterday..........it was a hard day for me to get through.........yesterday was the day my father passed......one year ago..............
I can't say that I had a good relationship with my father when he was alive..........he was my father........we did not speak to each other much........I always feared him..something about his was so militant, so distant.........I guess it did not help that he was "old school" in his ways.......never the less he was my father and I tried my best to show him the utmost respect no matter what I thought and felt...........
Looking back, I wish I would have gotten over my fear and communicated with him more........he got sick about 10 years ago and from there it went downhill..........his sickness effected everyone............he went from a vibrant man.......to a cantankerous evil man........cussing my mother.....pulling guns on her.......you name it, he did and said it........the effect was my mother becoming very angry and depressed...........
Me on the other hand, I could not take it so I did what was best for me and I moved out......I did not want to disrespect my parents and it was my time to leave the nest..............but when I left, it got worse.............I still saw him every day, but he was not the same.......he was deteriorating.....angry......lonely.........
As his sickness progressed, I found the patience to talk with him when ever his mind allowed......wowow he had some wonderful knowledge to share.......
There were things about him that I found out while he was sick.......things that made me not like who he was as a person..........I started to question everything about him........his motives, his character, his feelings, his life...everything....I just could not understand............
The day before he passed, I visited him in the hospital......I could tell that he did not want to be here anymore......he was fighting, fighting to get the tubes out, fighting not to eat.....I guess he was ready to go on to the next stage of existence............
At this point, I was pissed because of what I found out about him.....the women, the infidelity......how he met my mother when she was in middle school going to school with his oldest two daughters, it just seemed like his entire life all he did was use and abuse women to get what he wanted.....typical man........the end results were horrible......his wife was put in a hospital, he moved his mistress into his house, never married my mother and now he was dying and he had all of the secrets still with him............
BFF, by no means do I feel like anyone has to explain anything to me, especially my parents.....but I do long for an understanding of why people behave the way that they do so that I will be able to behave in such a way that we can all benefit.....I just wanted to understand why my father made the decisions he made in his life.........
So back to the day before he passed..........I told myself that I was going to visit him before I went to work....I had to pass the hospital every day on the way to work and home.........
The morning came and it was not until I got to work that I remembered I was supposed to go see him........two hours after I arrived at work, I received a phone call from my mother telling me that my father passed.........BFF, I was not sad.....I was pissed.......how could he die and leave my mother with nothing........he did not even marry her............all of those years he was with her and nothing........why? I wanted answers and I was fucking pissed..............
The funeral came, I was pissed.........days passed, I was pissed.......months passed, I built a shrine for him....he started coming to me in my dreams............was he trying to tell me something? I made sure I had a white candle lit for him to give him light and a cool cup of water to keep him cool....I want to know........wanna know why he is appearing in my dreams.....what it all means...........
After he passed, it took some time for me............time to reflect on all of the conversations I had with him while he was still in the physical form (for death is just the relinquishing of our gross physical illusion shells and entrance into our real spiritual state of being)................time to understand that he did the best with what he had at the time.......time to forgive myself for being so angry with him because I felt that he could have and should have............time for me to just be at peace with the entire situation....................
I can't say that I had a good relationship with my father when he was alive..........he was my father........we did not speak to each other much........I always feared him..something about his was so militant, so distant.........I guess it did not help that he was "old school" in his ways.......never the less he was my father and I tried my best to show him the utmost respect no matter what I thought and felt...........
Looking back, I wish I would have gotten over my fear and communicated with him more........he got sick about 10 years ago and from there it went downhill..........his sickness effected everyone............he went from a vibrant man.......to a cantankerous evil man........cussing my mother.....pulling guns on her.......you name it, he did and said it........the effect was my mother becoming very angry and depressed...........
Me on the other hand, I could not take it so I did what was best for me and I moved out......I did not want to disrespect my parents and it was my time to leave the nest..............but when I left, it got worse.............I still saw him every day, but he was not the same.......he was deteriorating.....angry......lonely.........
As his sickness progressed, I found the patience to talk with him when ever his mind allowed......wowow he had some wonderful knowledge to share.......
There were things about him that I found out while he was sick.......things that made me not like who he was as a person..........I started to question everything about him........his motives, his character, his feelings, his life...everything....I just could not understand............
The day before he passed, I visited him in the hospital......I could tell that he did not want to be here anymore......he was fighting, fighting to get the tubes out, fighting not to eat.....I guess he was ready to go on to the next stage of existence............
At this point, I was pissed because of what I found out about him.....the women, the infidelity......how he met my mother when she was in middle school going to school with his oldest two daughters, it just seemed like his entire life all he did was use and abuse women to get what he wanted.....typical man........the end results were horrible......his wife was put in a hospital, he moved his mistress into his house, never married my mother and now he was dying and he had all of the secrets still with him............
BFF, by no means do I feel like anyone has to explain anything to me, especially my parents.....but I do long for an understanding of why people behave the way that they do so that I will be able to behave in such a way that we can all benefit.....I just wanted to understand why my father made the decisions he made in his life.........
So back to the day before he passed..........I told myself that I was going to visit him before I went to work....I had to pass the hospital every day on the way to work and home.........
The morning came and it was not until I got to work that I remembered I was supposed to go see him........two hours after I arrived at work, I received a phone call from my mother telling me that my father passed.........BFF, I was not sad.....I was pissed.......how could he die and leave my mother with nothing........he did not even marry her............all of those years he was with her and nothing........why? I wanted answers and I was fucking pissed..............
The funeral came, I was pissed.........days passed, I was pissed.......months passed, I built a shrine for him....he started coming to me in my dreams............was he trying to tell me something? I made sure I had a white candle lit for him to give him light and a cool cup of water to keep him cool....I want to know........wanna know why he is appearing in my dreams.....what it all means...........
After he passed, it took some time for me............time to reflect on all of the conversations I had with him while he was still in the physical form (for death is just the relinquishing of our gross physical illusion shells and entrance into our real spiritual state of being)................time to understand that he did the best with what he had at the time.......time to forgive myself for being so angry with him because I felt that he could have and should have............time for me to just be at peace with the entire situation....................
Today I cried because I miss my father so much......today I feel my father is with me..........today I am overcome with something I can't explain.........today I am cleansed because I know that I am always being protected and blessed........today I said "Hello" to the my father and the relationship we can now have........Hello, I love you DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!
