LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!..........

BFF, remember I mentioned earlier that I had a gnawing feeling something was brewing.........remember me telling you about my ex thinking about me?......I know you thought I was crazy, but I am not.....I am very sane and in tune to energies and the like................I have control of my life's remote control!

For the last couple of days, although I have been happy and at peace.......there was an underlying sadness that I felt........this morning I received a text from the ex.  He wanted to wish me a good summer and all of the happiness in the world.  How very nice of him!  Well, against my better judgment, correction, with the my best judgement, I decided to reply to him.  Since our last conversation, I have been feeling a way....I guess for a really good reason........anyway......I decided to tell him how I really felt......how he hurt me immensely by his actions while we were dating and even after................I can not deny the fact that when I love, I love forever.........but I can not deny the pain I feel regarding him either.............

This has gotten to the point where I now feel like it is not me that is holding on, it is him that is holding on.......what reason does he have to contact me?..........we are no longer friends..........we were never friends..........what reason does he have to contact me?..............well, he claims that he wanted to wish me well and tell me that he would be traveling.........I ask again.....what reason does he have to contact me?  lol.

I could understand if we were friends or had some kind of business arrangement, but we don't!  I could understand if we had a child together, but we don't.  Every time he communicates with me (and I humor the conversation) he tells me he is happy.  But how happy can you really be if you feel the need to reach out to me?  Even if it is to wish me happiness?

Being that I make it my business to overstand people and things, I have come to the conclusion that everything he says is bullshit!!!! But why do I have to be involved in it?  Why does he contact me?  I will never get the real answer from him, but I know and feel the answer will be revealed to me.  LOL.

BFF, I have always been told by ex's that I am the one they let slip away.  The fact of the matter is, my ex continues to contact me because something in his life, in his world is drawn to me.....something within him feels the need to hold on to me..........for a long time I thought I was the one who was unable to let go of the past.....let go of the feelings and memories.......but not only do I see clearly now........I see that niggas don't change........

Let me state that I am at fault here..........I am too soft......I have not protected myself and straight up told him to leave me alone....it is not in me to be mean or spiteful just because others have been like that towards me......my heart is full of love for all, even those who have wronged me.....and I know I should and will simply and nicely tell him...........LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!

I love you with all of my heart..........with all that I have.........but let me go......set me free......especially since you did not choose me.........
What is your "intention" in contacting me? LOLOL.  You did not choose to spend your life with me, you did not choose to be friends with me.  Either come the fuck clean about what it is that your think you are accomplishing by reaching out to me or LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Does your guilt, the guilt you have for the way you treated me haunt you so much you are compelled to reach out to me?  What ever it is, what ever your reasons, when will you realize the damage is done and YOU will have to deal with your karma.  Life gave you the opportunity to set things straight, we all have our own priorities.............

Listen, I know you know that every time you contact me, it diggs up past pain, you even admitted is, so why do you still do it?  LOLOL

BFF, life is odd, very strange.................but like I said, if you can't come correct, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 (I still love you, lol!)

Remote Control

BFF, you know those commercials about depression.....the commercials that talk about how hard it is for those who are depressed......hard for them to start their days..........that is exactly how I felt this morning.....

I set my alarm to wake me up at 6 am.........every single night, I tell myself, "Tomorrow will be the day that I start my routine.......routine of meditating.......exercising........jumping on my trampoline...........taking a cleansing bath............invoking the Violet Flame............and saying some prayers to my peps (ancestors and orishas that is!)...........every morning my alarm goes off at 6 am and I reset it to go off at 7:30 am lolol.  Some mornings I am good, depending on if I have something of importance to do during the course of the day.....other mornings are bad........I play the role as one of the ladies in the depression commercials....

This morning I had to fight......fight the commercial from becoming my reality AGAIN.......with a little bit of effort and allot of having no choice......I won the battle.....but I did not get up at 6, I got up at 6:35 am.....yes, I deserve a "high five"!

Today, there were a few things that needed my utmost attention and I knew in order to get the most of the day, I would have to get my shit together from the start of the day....

I did not do all I set out to do last night, but I was on the right path.....Hmmmm.......now this feels good!  This is not so bad........I guess once I start moving, nothing can slow me down........

I accomplished everything I set out to do today.............matter of fact.......the day was so much better than I expected it to be......by the end of the day I felt like I had the world in my hands!  When I got  home, I felt like I actually had control of my life, control of my feelings, thoughts, destiny...............FINALLY.............

Maxin and relaxin with my baby gurl (my dog you nasty asses, lol).  That is my baby, Starr.  Sam gave her to me.....So anyway, I am maxin and relaxin with Starr and I get a bbm message from D (my soul sista).  Our conversation made me question.........oh shit.......I am starting to feel like that depression commercial again...not now......not before I retire for bed..............

Why is it that we (women) question ourselves?  Why do we question what is so very obvious?  Why do we continue to hurt ourselves believing things that are just not true?  Why do we insist on believing words instead of actions?  I ask you these questions because I am really asking myself also.  I go through this all of the time, with regards to my past and the way I have allowed others to treat me.  Ok let me re-write this again,..........THE WAY I HAVE ALLOWED OTHERS TO TREAT ME.....

Too often we completely blame others for things that we too take part in.  We fail to realize and recognize our cooperation in events that lead to us being sad or feeling hurt.  It is easy for us to point these things out in others.  We get very defensive when our friends give outside perspectives which make us look in the mirror at ourselves and admit our participation.

This morning I felt like I was in a depression commercial.........this evening the feeling came back to me........signs of what is to come tomorrow......lolol........I get the feeling tomorrow will be a day in which I will be confronted with something...........but today.......I did not allow the depression commercial to take over........I know it is telling me something......and no matter what will be revealed..................I know I have the power to turn the fucking station, I have the remote control!!!!!!!!!!!!!