Swing of Thangs.............

Why, Why, Why, BFF did I miss my colonic yesterday.................when I got home from the boat ride, I passed out and did not even hear my alarm go off......I jumped out of bed to find that I had 30 minutes to get to the city.........lolol............

Thank goodness Nacim is cool.......she rescheduled me for today..........and yes BFF, I made sure I went to my appointment this morning......I really needed to be around Nacim, absorb some of her energy and get that shit sucked out of me and my life, lolol..........

Weekends are hard for me...........I have no structure on the weekends with regards to my spiritual routine........I get up and just keep moving instead of taking the same time out to give thanks, pray and meditate............today was different, I wanted to be in the zone........I wanted to intensify the effect of the colonic so that I could hopefully remain at peace during the week............let's see what happens..........

Do I really have to mention the fact that YumYum is still on my mind............do I have to mention the fact that YumYum and I still talk all day, everyday...........No, lol..........I think YumYum is my earth angel.........thank you God!!!!!!!!

So, BFF, the colonic was GREATTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!! Just the spiritual boost I needed, not to mention I felt lighter and had more energy........I did not go to dance class, I felt that there were more important things to spend my money on today...........

BFF, I have had 2 spiritual readings within the course of a year and a half..........neither reader knew me or anything about me.......neither reader asked specific questions of me...........both readers told me the same thing..........

I bet you wanna know what they told me, right, lol?  Well, they both told me that I have high spiritual energy and that is where my focus should be in order for me to live the life of my dreams...........hmmmm.....now that is very interesting...........

Let me tell you a quick story BFF about me so that you will understand why I think this is interesting........

If you recall, I have mentioned that as a child I always felt and knew there was energy or an entity looking after me....its presence was very strong at all time, even now..........I would hear and see things, be able to move things.....sense others emotions.....sense things before they happened......well, BFF as a child it scared me.........as an adult, it intrigues me and makes me feel at peace......I long to be one with it, long to be closer to it all of the time.............

Not too long ago, it was in me, with me, it was me......I radiated the light.........I felt the light in everything I did, said and thought.....the light was me and I was the light........

It took hard work and disciple to get to that point.........I guess I was feeling myself so much........so much so that my routine became obsolete..........I felt like it was my birthright and I no longer had to do any work to maintain it....boy was I wrong..............slowly everything that I had, I lost........but the great thing about it is.....BFF, I know that once I start up again, it will be so much better than it was the first time around........that is the joy of life BFF, learning from your mistakes and improving your qualitiy of life because of them...........and that is what I am doing.....I am slowly getting back into the swing of things..........

Oh My My My..............Comfort Zone

BFF, BFF.........what is going on with me.........last night I decided to go on a boat ride with Key.....the DJ was hosting and we were invited to go............

I wasted the entire day.....started to get a funky attitude for no reason.......my moods are out of control.......anyway BFF.. I got it together and got to Key in time to get to the pier so we would not miss the boat.......

After we parked and started walking towards the boat, we gave each other a strange look............we noticed that everyone line either had on red or white........why was I wearing flowers and Key was wearing black, lol............

We did not pay it too much attention, it is always good to stand out in the industry, lolol.......so many different characters.....so many different outfits, hairstyles, personalities............I love people watching.......Key thinks it is so amusing to see my facial expressions as the side show plethora makes it way in front of us to their destination..............I think I should have brought a pair of sun glasses with me............I could just imagine my face....................

So we were waiting in front of the pier for the DJ and his manager.............they finally arrived and we exchanged words with security...........apparently it does not matter who you are or who you are with, now a days EVERYONE gets the same treatment, lol..........celebrities no longer get special treatment............

With that out of the way, we boarded the boat..........hmmmm...........everyone else is getting on the boat next to ours.........wait.........EVERYONE is getting on the other boat............oh well, I honestly was not in the mood to be around a lot of drunk people on a boat...................

Now, we are on black folks time, but we did arrive early.........I guess we waited a few more minutes for late comers...........it did not help......our boat had no more than 50 people on it, if that much..............it was basically empty..............everyone had a seat and there was plenty of space to spare.........now that I look around, I notice that everyone on the boat knows each other............Key and I are the only people who don't know anyone on the boat........great just great...........

To add fuel to the fire...........those who boarded ranged from their 20's to their 60's....................SMMFH (shaking my mother fucking head)......I was determined to just have some refreshing time on the water.........I really needed to be out with Yemaja more than an other disturbing element that I may face on the boat............

We finally pushed off and the weather was absolutely perfect.......all of the lovers on the boat......all of the friends........it seems like everyone from the same project complex was in attendance......including the weed man...............

Yemaja was nice to me this evening……….I think she sensed my love for Oshun….(they are sister Orishas).

BFF, I think I may have needed a drink but I have a colonic schedule tomorrow that I really don't want to miss, but I really think I need a drink.....we decided to walk around, plus we were starving...........we descended into the belly of the boat and found the treasure we were looking for......food........

You know how black folks get down.......since there were no servers, we served ourselves and boy oh boy was it surprisingly good.............we sat below deck, exchanging jokes and enjoying the food and the warmth..........did I just hear someone say that the deserts were made of weed?  What the fuck is really going on here?...................I gave Key the most surprised and confused look I could muster..........Key just gave me a blank stare like she did not hear or want to be aware of anything, lolol...

We made our way back upstairs and sat on the deck........just want I needed......quiet time to reflect........are these people rolling right out in the open and smoking.........What in the good world?........BFF, although this boat ride hit the spot for me spiritually, I was so damn confused at what I was seeing.........what was going on right in front of my face.........wow............

The ride and night came to an end and I felt like I was with Yemaja all night.......she comforted me and made me feel at peace........I really enjoyed the boat ride, the water and the entire experience............

BFF, believe it or not, I fear the water............thank you Yemaja for helping me step out of my comfort zone.....................

Terrance.......

BFF, today was so very wonderful.......today I finally got to wear my spray painted jeans.......today I was finally the walking bill board for the record label.....yes......it is so much fun to be part of a team.........

The day started with a boom............I got off to a great start......I know I have not said much about my morning routines.....that is because I have been doing them.........lolol...............and I feel energized.........this morning was no different, well, it was different, I got a chance to watch Maury...I love his shows...........

I had to meet up with Key before the show so that the team could meet at the studio before we went to the show..............being that I was going to be on my feet and in public all day, I wanted to make sure that I represented the artist and the label properly, so I dressed the part.......I put on my painted jeans, a red shirt and red sexy sandals and made my way to Key's house..........

Ohh when I got there BFF, I was so happy and excited........finally I would get a chance to see the artist in action and have fun networking.............that is exactly what I did........

Before we even got to the venue for the show, Key's and I were frustrated.........working with so many different personalities can be challenging, not to mention working on black folks time..........shit can get kind of hectic.......that is exactly what happened, lol.

When we finally got it all together, we realized that we might not have enough cars to drive everyone to the venue........great just great BFF.........I left my car at Key's house........fuck me..............

We had to squeeze into Key's car, but tell me, why did I have to be the one to sit on Terrance's lap............BFF, I know you don't know who JR is, so let me take you back............

Terrance, Terrance, Terrance.............I met Terrance a few months ago at the studio............this was around the time when a young man wrote a song about men hitting on his mother.....the song went viral and the boy became an instant celebrity.............I remember Terrance because he was in the studio talking about how he was associated with this boy and all of the other projects he was working on.....Key introduced us to each other but I did not really pay attention.........

It just so happened that at that time, I just started looking for interns for Key and the studio..............Key referred me to Terrance, Terrance contacted me and I started looking for interns for some of his projects also........now BFF you have to remember, at this point I did not remember meeting Terrance at the studio

So, Terrance and I are communicating via email with regards to the interns and his projects.......since I did not remember meeting him and this is business, I would call him "Sir" to keep it professional.  Not to mention, being that I did not remember him, I did not know who he really was in the industry, it is always better to give more than less, right?  lol

About 2 months into looking for interns and the like, the artist had a photo shoot........if Key (and if it is in my power to be there) is there, I am there too........and I was.........when Key is working, I am more like her back up assistant......I try to keep an intern or two with her at all times to make both of our lives easier.........

At the beginning of the photo shoot for the artist, not too many people from the team were present....now that I think about it, the photo shoot is not a party, it is work......it was a good thing also, I could tell that the artist was in his zone taking pics and posing......nice...real nice work..........

It was getting late and it appeared that the shot would be ending shortly, just as I was thinking that, more team members rolled in...........all of these faces that I don't recall.........all of these hugs and kisses from people I don't remember meeting......well, this is about networking and such........so I went along with it..........

BFF, it was nothing but niggas, niggas, niggas.....and a few women, lolol.....you could tell who were groupies and who weren't..........

All of a sudden this odd looking character come out of no place........carrying a camera........a reading light on his vest and making a lot of noise........almost as if he wanted everyone present to know of his existence........lolol 

I must admit, I silently chuckled to myself as I watched him play fool, cracking jokes, telling stories and making people laugh...........

I did not want to bring any attention to me, as I sat in the back........I had to find out who he is, but I did not want to ask as if I was interested in him......So, I asked Key who this character is.............she told me that the character in question is Terrance..........

What, the same Terrance I have been emailing back and forth regarding interns for his projects, the same Terrance I have been calling "Sir" when he is acting like a straight up ass?  WOW!

Key could not stop laughing........I did not think it was funny at all......I just wanted to go home at this point.......Not because of Terrance but because it was late and I had enough...............

I walked down 5 flights of stairs in order to get to freedom......to get to my damn car......I could not get out of there fast enough......don't get me wrong......I love working with the team, but it was a long and tiring day, it was time for me to go home............

Finally got to the car.....thank you fadda!............sped off towards home.......I got a phone call from Key, asking me to come back to drop some music off to someone in Queens.........cool, no problem.....BFF, of course I turned around............

If I would have known that I was turning around to drive someone home, I would have lied and said I was already at the damn highway......shit.......I really just wanted to have some alone time and take the drive by myself to reflect on the events of the day........damn!

I got back to the shoot location and Key came out to chat with me for a few minutes.............I know she failed to tell me that Terrance would be the person I would be driving home as a favor.....hmmmmm...she knows me all too well.....

So, BFF, Terrance and I got in the car to go back to queens and we started talking........talking about everything and nothing..........I really enjoyed talking to Terrance............we finally made it back to queens and before we knew it, it was after 12 in the morning........wow how times flies when you are really enjoying yourself.

BFF, I started feeling a little uncomfortable at one point, Terrance and I went through the formalities........I told him I did not realize I met him a while ago and all of the time I was sending him emails I had no idea of who he was, lolol...we laughed about that and a few other things.......but as I said, I started to feel uncomfortable.........the conversation swayed to his relationship.....what was going on in it.......how he was feeling..........I am not sure.........not sure what is really going on.....I have been told that I make people feel comfortable......but some of the things that were being said were stuff that close friends share......hmmmm anyway......

BFF, we sat in my car and talked so long, before you knew it, his girlfriend came from around the corner and walked right into his house.......wait, wait a minute.....he just told me that he feels like he needs some space from his girlfriend and she was probably in his house, in his room, in his bed waiting for him..........

BFF, we were sitting in my car, talking.........all of a sudden as he is telling me about his relationship, here she comes around the corner...in real life.........let me tell you how the energy in the car completely changed, the look on his face went from happy to being hit with a ton of bricks.......everything that he thought she was doing that night, that morning was not true.........she was supposed to be in his bed, but she was actually out with Paul drinking, lolol.

I don't mean to laugh, but life is funny.......and this proved to be at the top of the "life is funny list"......BFF, when he turned around and looked at me as she was ascending the stairs to his house, I could see his hand.....I could see and feel the confusion growing in him...he could not decide on whether to roll down the window and say something to her or just let her go and collect himself....I know he was in shock cause I was too....I felt like I had just been cheated on and I don't even have a boyfriend or significant other, lolol....

So, yeah BFF, I looked at him and I could tell that he was devastated....completely crushed....if felt like I witnessed her cheating on him, like I felt everything he felt.......I did not want no parts of this shit no more......he thought she was in the house....she thought he was in the house......I don't wanna be involved.......

The silence that followed was excruciating......I had to break the ice, I had to do something cause it was starting to go from bad to worse, I thought he was going to cry.......I was going to cry and nothing was happening to me, lolol.

I did something that I have never done before....something that I should not have done........BFF, I took his hand and took his energy from him.....now please, don't shake your head....don't think that I am crazy because I am not......I am a conduit.....I am able to feel others emotions, sense their thoughts, sense what is going to happen before it does..........I should have kept my hands to myself............should have never taken his energy.........

As soon as I took his and in mine and closed my eyes, my arm started to throb and my head started to hurt.......I opened my eyes and asked him how he felt.....he told me that his head ache was gone and he felt calmer, but the look in his eyes was no longer sad, it was more like he was intrigued.......like he was curious about me..........

I did not like that look in his eyes at all.....it was kind of creepy.....made me feel really strange........from that point on, Terrance and I spoke damn near every single day.....it went from business talk to I love you talk........yes BFF, I thought it was cute.....real cute to be getting attention from someone, but the attention Terrance was giving me gave me the creeps..........

He started calling and texting at all hours of the night........BFF, I humored that shit, but it started to wear at me.......I stressed that we should not communicate unless it was business.....it was really getting out of hand.....

I heard from Key that he was talking about me, saying that we would be together.....all kinds of untrue shit.......see what was me befriending someone was actually me leading them on.....I had no idea of what role I played in this until Key pointed it out to me....I had no idea that I was just a conquest for Terrance...........

Anyway, we stopped communicating as much..............the interns search did not work out........I found out the true intentions.......I backed off..............

So, after that whole play and production.....after time passed.......Terrance and I saw each other at the photo shoot and then yesterday at the show..............

I tried to stay away from Terrance but being that I was the walking billboard for the record company, Terrance always found a way to be around me and take picture of me and my ass..........Yes, BFF, I had the record label's logo painted to my ass and everywhere I went, there was Terrance on my ass.......

It was so bad, I noticed it....at one point during the day, I was sitting down, away from everyone, away from the crowd and all of a sudden Terrance comes to me and tells me it is time for me to take pics with the team.....lawd.....BFF, it was a fucking zoo......niggas all over the place wanting to take pics of my ass........ok, I knew that the pants would draw attention, but not that kind of attention....it went from taking pics of my ass to wanting to take pics of my tongue rings........THIS SHOW IS NOT MY SHOW!

Ok, when is this gonna be over?  When can I go the fuck home?  I don't think I am fit to be around people all day......I may put on the front like I am a people person, but I need time alone, I need to be away from everyone's energy...........

BFF, I wanted to go home so badly, I hate the camera, I am so fucking camera shy and all damn day, every time I turned around, there goes the fucking camera in Terrance's hand and in my damn face or ass, lol.........

We finally got back to the studio and it was blazin....too many black folks in one small spot...........I had to go downstairs and get some air.............who do I see, of course Terrance.........he was doing his thang, making people laugh......................

Time never seemed to end........the team was supposed to go to a party............organizing black folks is hard......Key was getting pissed......I just wanted to go home and the team members did not know what they wanted to do.........

Key got everyone together to go to the party..............once again, not enough cars so Key drove me to get my car............

Ok BFF, I just knew that every single car was going to be packed.......when I got my car and drove back to the studio............the only person who go in my car was.......you got it......TERRANCE.........

Are you fucking kidding me........why?  What is really going on?

Listen, I don't think Terrance is a bad person......I just don't want to be part of the man game that I think he is playing........the game where he tells his boys about our conversations and plays them like he and I are an item...............

Oh My Goodness, BFF, 3 car loads of people and my car with just two people drove to the Williamsburg bridge in an attempt to make an appearance at the party..........the universe is always in control....your thoughts become things........ALWAYS..........construction on the bridge caused major traffic and we decided to turn around..........I decided to drive home, lolol, well, Terrance and I drove back to Queens happy......................

Please to tell you, BFF, we did not have a long conversation in my parked car cause I wanted to indulge (wink)............I am off tomorrow so I don't have to sleep tonight.............I dropped Terrance off and was on my way..................tomorrow is another day!!!!!!!!!!

Just Another Day

Hey there BFF, how are you doing?  I hope everything is going smoothly for you. 

BFF, I will not be at work tomorrow and Friday.........Long story made short.....I was feeling really adventurous and WAS gonna take a trip to meet someone.............I decided that it would not be a good idea to do it so instead, I will be with Key and the team tomorrow for the show............hmmmmm, I need some time to get my head right for that one......

Anyway, BFF, today was like every other day just before I am out of work, busy.........periodically throughout the day, my mind was occupied with thoughts of YumYum.......even though we text all day, lol.....

BFF, I am still going through bouts of happy/sad feelings surrounding my life and what has come of it........there was a time, not to long ago when I was in the zone...........I was vibin............nothing could stop me...........nothing could reach me...............I want that back............I will have it and so much more................

BFF, sometimes I feel so lost...........like I have no direction........no purpose.........I know it is not the truth..........I know it is just blockage in my way....................hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............today was just another day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bubbles

Fuck, BFF.......I had this entire day typed out and then lost it............I guess it was not supposed to be posted.................

Let me start all over, hopefully this time around the Universe will accept and approve what I have typed and allow me to post it, lol.........

Today was a day in which things became clear to me..........

If I look back on my life, I have lived a life in which other people's happiness comes before mine....I bent and twisted time and things in order to please and appease others.......in hopes to put a smile on their face and heart........in an attempt to make them feel like they are appreciated, loved and wanted........

All too often, I can't say that the favor has ever been returned to me.........please don't get it twisted...I never do things because I expect something in return......I don't give to get, but it just seems like I never get, lol.........

I give of myself to those who do not deserve, I give until I have no more to give, I have given to the point where I have become sick.............and now I feel like being selfish...........I don't want to give any longer........

That is where I am today BFF, I feel like being selfish.......feel like not giving to those who don't give to me......I feel like being a straight up bitch.............

But I know it is not in me.......not part of how I am.............maybe you can make sense of this..........if not, just try BFF, try to understand what I am feeling and saying..........

Questions are ever present......never being answered.....no satisfaction in sight.......how many times do I have to turn the other cheek just to be punched in it...........slap one check, punch the other.......both leaving me stumbling, hurt and confused...........

Who I am is full of love for the taking.............what I am left with is a void of sorrow and pain..............contemplating.......questioning..........staggering..........falling........drowning............murky are the waters that surround me......sinking to the bottom with the weight of the world............bubbles of hope escape me and rise to the surface...........if only I could....if only I would......how can I be like the bubbles, so light.......stead on their path..........for when they reach their destination they burst, their hope explodes and leaves gentle remnants all over................

When will my bubble of hope appear and pop before me...........I should start blowing bubbles..............

Class Cancelled.............

BFF, let me come clean.............I have mixed emotions..............mixed thoughts about what has transpired between YumYum (aka Yummy) and me...............for so many reasons......let me try to put things on the table so we can both get a better picture of what is going on.......

Sam and I are not in a relationship, but we have a strange one..........Sam and I are "partners" so to speak......you can say that we are "friends with major benefits"...........but at times we behave like we are more to each other........this is where the confusions comes...............

YumYum and Sam are business associates..............neither one depend on the other.....but they would not know each other if it were not for me.......

Sam and I have known each other longer, but the friendship between YumYum and I is stronger..........more mature.........unconditional.......eternal......

I care for both........belong to neither..........don't want to mess up either "relationship"...............

If Sam were to find out about YumYum, I am not sure that he would take it very well.....you see BFF, Sam may not be my man, but I believe he will feel betrayed if he ever finds out about my most recent interaction with YumYum.......it is so very hard for me to explain......but I know that Sam would feel hurt and betrayed..............

You see BFF, there is something that is unsaid between Sam and I.....something that I believe Sam will never say to me..............but has said with the way he looks at me..............you know, those unspoken words that are known with a look......known with a touch..........that is what Sam and I have........that is what Sam has over me...........

But BFF, YumYum.............is like a soul partner.......eternally connected.......spiritual love...........that can't be explain..........broken......or destroyed.........what YumYum and I have is more than physical...........

I should have gone to class today, instead BFF, I was overcome with this mind made conflict that I now feel..........no class means more time for the devil to play in the playground I help him make in my kingdom..........I just have to figure out how to cancel gym class for the devil.................

What Am I Doing?

BFF, what am I doing?  Really?  I am being so very destructive with my thoughts and my actions..........I am behaving like there are no consequences to my actions...............like nothing else or no one else in the world matters but me..........this is not like me at all BFF..............

YumYum and I had such a wonderful night.........this is getting out of hand......this is tearing me apart inside....
The dynamics of what is going on with YumYum dictate that we should not get physical, we should not be intimate...........our emotions guide us to act upon our hearts desires..............the result is a night of YumYum and I indulging in sexual attraction for each other...........

This is way too close to home.......way to close to destroying what both of us have established...........this is tearing me apart inside..........so I sit and I ask myself BFF, What am I doing?............when my mind is on someone I can not have..............like he is the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.................

BFF, last night was breathtaking..........YumYum did things to me physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, psychologically that no one has ever done to be.........

This is too close for comfort........BFF, what am I doing?

Cancelled..........I Should Have Gone

BFF, I had a colonic scheduled today with Nacim, but I cancelled it yesterday because I knew I was going to be drinking last night.............I wish I would have done what I was supposed to do and keep my appointment......

I woke up pretty late and boy was it hot.............got a couple of texts from Davin..........oh, Steven even called and text me....lolol......I guess he did not believe me when I called him and told him I would no longer communicate with him..........I saw what I mean and I mean what I say................I guess not many people are used to that..............

Anyway, BFF, I exchanged texts with YumYum, which helped my day go by more pleasantly..........ohh this heat, this stifling heat is just so disgusting...........ewwwwww.............

The day finally came to an end.........but the heat did not leave............I tried so hard........all day long to control the misery the weather brought me.............New York heat can't be escaped some times no matter what you do......

YumYum and I decided to have a face to face, energy to energy............BFF, it happened again.............oh my great goodness, I have to stay away from YumYum for so many different reasons.............but he is so good for me...............on so many different levels....................

YumYum..........time spent with YumYum is like being in a different universe, being on a different plane........being in a different place where anything and everything is possible............

I should have went to my colonic.........now I am starting to feel..........like I am full of shit, lol.........

BFF, this "thing" with YumYum is tearing me apart inside......when I see him, my face lights up......when I think of him, my world is bright............when I am around him, nothing else matters..................when he touches me, words don't will never be able to describe how he makes me feel............

BFF, something happened..............happened between YumYum and I............something wonderful and magical.........YumYum and I...............we have to stop this thing that is going on between us........I wanna stop, I know it is not right.........I wanna continue, it feels soooooo good!

I should have gone to my colonic, lol

Congrats..............

BFF, everyone is getting married except for me......Everyone............

Key's younger cuz is getting married next week and we are invited to go to her surprise bachelorette party and Suzzie Wongs............I will be honest.......the way I feel.......I am really not in the mood for love and all of that shit........when am I gonna fall in love..........when will it be my turn?..............lemme suck it up and put my happy face on and go............

I love Key and her family, especially her cousin that is getting married. I remember her when she was a little girl, boy how time flies........I really want her to be happy and I can tell that she is.......I wanna celebrate with her, but I long for love so badly BFF, sometimes I cry about it...........I cry because I have so much love to give, I gave so much love and here I am..........single........lol............

So anyway, I transmuted to unhappy, unloved feelings to love, joy and happiness so that my feelings and energy would match those around me tonight......I really just wanna die!

The day was uneventful, I was just trying to prepare myself emotionally for tonight........

When I got home, I could not decide what to wear........the party is at a transvestite/drag queen restaurant, does it really matter? lol

I threw on a cute little house dress, cleavage showing, with some fuck me see through gray sandal to match my dress....come on....I am gonna be around drag queens why can't I wear my fuck me shoes?  Shit, maybe they will appreciate them, no one else seems to.............

Got to Key's house and we had to make a run to a show........Key is in the music business so when business call, we answer.....................

We finally got finished with business and got to the party of the night........much to my surprise, I had a really nice time............although I was not in the mood for the type of party, I allowed myself to be open.......open to all positive feelings and possibilities............

The show was fabulous and the bride to be had so much fun..........I always love to see others happy...........

We left and decided that since it was such a nice night and still kind of early, we would go back to Brooklyn and hang out some more.......we went back to the same lounge we went to last week.........

We sat, talked and had a drink, absorbing the atmosphere............not too long after we arrived, I saw Davin...........I was not in the mood for male company, so I did my best to remain hidden......

We ended the night and I was overcome with gratitude for being able to share the better part of the evening with Key, celebrating her cousins future union in love.............I wish her happiness and all of the true love in the world.....I hope her marriage is successful and stands the test of life and time.............I know that my time will come for the same, but for now.......Congrats..............

Sam

BFF, BFF, I wanna explain to you how I met Sam and what I felt as a result of meeting him.....(and over the course of time............)

For all purpose and intent,  I pride myself on the fact that my behavior is not like other women, like that "typical woman".  Although at my core, I am but a woman. 

I can recall the day we (Sam and I) first communicated with each other as if it is happening now.  I was sitting at my desk, in the corner of the office, chatting with him on instant messenger.  From his pictures posted on the dating site, I could not really get a good clear picture of what he looked like.  It did not matter to me, for our Internet conversation made me feel as if only he and I existed in this world. 

I hung on to every message he sent, overcome by anxiety, I could not wait for him to respond to me.  Uncontrollable questions dominated my mind, I wanted to know so much about him.  Although we did not meet, I felt his strong spirit and it was so alluring, so inviting.  I think we both got to the point where we no longer wanted to type, the anticipation was too great.  Did we want to hear each others voices?  I know I was dying to hear his and when I did, I could not help but smile.  His voice is so deep and rich, resonating, controlling, drawing me to want want want!  I wanted to meet him so very badly, I wanted to see him talk, I just wanted.............

We decided to meet that evening, he might not have noticed in my voice, but I was extremely apprehensive.  But there was something the conversation left me with, something his voice left me with that compelled m to go on a limb and meet him.  Wait, what the fuck was I thinking about? Meet him at a hotel, a hotel? He reassured me that it was just so we could relax and reel a little more comfortable.  What you may not have known is the overwhelming restlessness I felt as a result of our decision.  It was not even butterflies, it was bubble guts that I was struggling with.  Could I really be making plans to meet a stranger at a hotel? 

 

I ran home, with my heart and guts in my mouth, danger on my heels, I could not pass up the opportunity to meet him just because of my silly nerves.  LOL, there was so much excitement and newness that surrounded him, I had to see him, see if he was real.

 

The process of getting ready to meet him was unbearable.  The questions forming in my head, the doubt brewing in my consciousness, what did the night with him have in store for me?  Of course, I wanted to put my best foot forward, to make sure I was "refined".  Not too sure if I accomplished my goal, but I knew I wanted to connect with him in some way, even if it turned out that we would just be phone buddies.  His voice is so intense, I loved him instantly (smile, I am very dramatic!).

 

As I drove to the hotel to meet, part of me wanted to turn around and go home.  What would I lose if I did? I did not want that to be my regret for life, so I pushed forward with my foot on the gas, there was no turning back now.

At the hotel, I sat in my car a few minutes and waited for him to arrive.  Not in my wildest dreams did I think he would be ……...  Give me a minute to explain.  Naturally, before I meet anyone new, I have all of these ideas of how they would look, act, what they would smell like, how they would behave.  I am usually able to identify when someone is uncomfortable around me, when they are lost and trying to figure out why they feel a bit off when I am around.  But when he stepped out of his car, my heart dropped.  Everything I thought he would be was wrong. 

 

From our conversation, I knew his spirit was strong but I did not think that when I saw him I would have an internal meltdown (wink, he are a cutie!).  Something about him, something, I just can't put my finger on it, don't want to try to figure it out, but something, something special. 

He were dressed, hmmmm, he looked so yummy, so bad, "Damn" is what I quietly said to myself as he walked to the front desk.  Yeah, ain't no shame, I undressed him with my eyes, tore him down, dissected him, ate him up and loved every morsel of his being.  Hmmm, but I still had questions, still wanted, wanted, I just wanted..........................

When we got in the room, I fought the natural urge to jump on him and kiss him up.  I did not want him to know what was brewing deep down inside of me.  For when I saw his skin, his eyes, his hair, saw his mouth, heard his voice and the way he moved, I knew he had the potential to control me.  I fought it with every fiber of my being, I think I was even a bit standoffish with him at times as a defense mechanism to protect myself.  But no matter what I did or said, I got the gnawing feeling that he knew, he could sense it, he would feed off of my energy. 

I could not take my eyes off of his beauty, damn he are so fucking sexy!  I hoped and prayed that he did not notice my nervous energy, this thing that he was doing to me when he was not doing anything at all, all of my anxious energy.  I could tell that he was very comfortable, he never stumbled on his words, he never skipped a beat, he was just him and that made me think.  Think that maybe...............maybe he is what I need surrounding me.  Maybe he holds the key................the key to something I long for...................but only time will tell if he holds the key that would unlock a never ending friendship I desired ever so badly.

 

We talked, drank, smoked and then....................the we got …………playfully physical.  He was not afraid of me, he was not taken by my energy, he was too strong, is too strong, a quality that is attractive.  If he could only feel what I felt, hear my thoughts, he would have known that I wanted him.  I wanted him to touch me in every way possible, but I did not want him to know that I wanted it.  I did not want him to think of me as "easy".  Torn, I wanted to get to know who he is, but I wanted to fuck him so badly, I had to put my sexual desire for him at bay.  I wanted him to want me too, but there was something about him.......... something about his energy that prevented me from being able to know how he was feeling, what he was thinking.  For the first time, I was lost and I loved it.

I could not tell if he enjoyed my company, if he was interested in getting to know me.  All I could tell is that he were fucking with me, fucking with me big time and I wanted him...I wanted more........I just wanted, wanted everything and anything that had to do with him.

Nothing sexual happened that night and I was so very confused.  I have always been told that I have this "sex appeal" so to speak, that makes men and women want me, makes them go crazy over me.  Well, that was not the case with him, not the case on any level.  Now, I may be wrong, but if I am, he is a master of control and I longed for him to control me, control my body, I just wanted him!  I wanted to get into him, I wanted to find out what made him tick, what made him him, what made me feel like this about him.  It is strange, but nonetheless, it is and I could not and did not want to help this feeling. 

 

We left the room and I felt empty, unsure of whether or not we would see each other again.  Questioning my femininity, questioning him, his actions, his thoughts, I drove home with a smile on my face and a void in my gut.  For although I felt empty, I was full, full of the wonderful experience of him.

 

Did he do this purposely, leave me feeling, questioning, pondering, is this the beginning of my fantasy in which he slowly take control, control of me?  Ohh I hope so because growing inside of me was a tiny seed he planted and now it has grown into a garden of wild plants. Don't get me wrong, please, I want you to understand, that this garden is beautiful and free, uninhibited and out of control, just like my feelings for him, I  try to keep it under lock and key.  You see, something great stirs inside of me at the thought of him, something uncontrollable..........only he has the key, the power to control it.  Don't he see, could he feel it, or is it just me, there is a great possibility that it may just be.  Please just let me live in my fantasy! 

And it continues to grow every second of the day, my longing for him got stronger.  Until we meet again and I see his sparkling eyes, hear his voice, resounding in my soul.  I had to fight it, fight not to behave like this, like a typical woman, insecure and unsure.  I struggle not to show him the weaker side of me, so I find my place, I follow his lead, trying not to be overwhelming with calls and texts, like my very existence depends on his acceptance.  I know it is not true, but I desire that connection with him.  From the first encounter, I was hooked and he knew it. 

Just Great........

BFF, let me tell you, Steve had the nerve to call me early this morning and send me a text with a picture of him attached.......is he kidding me..........a few days ago I texted him and he asked me who I was....I am not going to play with game with him.......later this afternoon I will give him a call and tell him that I do not intend to communicate with him any longer.......enough is enough...............

About a year and a half ago, I started communicating with a guy named Cali..........Cali always has some kind of drama going on in his life....ALWAYS.......our communication has only gone so far as occasionally speaking on the phone..........

Over the course of the year and a half, Cali and I always go back and forth when it comes meeting each other.  Being that he lives in Texas and I live in New York, I suggested that we find a mutual meeting state.......just so that we can put real faces and bodies to each other......we have actually established a nice friendship over the course of time...........

Cali always reaches out to me, being that he moves around so much....today was one of the days he reached out to me.........on some bullshit.

Every time we talk, he tries to persuade me to be in a relationship with him.........lololol...........is it really that simple, you just tell someone you wanna be in a relationship with them and boom, it happens?  Maybe it is like that for other people, but it is a bit more complicated for me......I tried to explain that to him numerous times, but he just does not get it....I tried to tell him that our "friendship" is where it is supposed to be, but he is so persistent about me being is "lady", he always brings it up.  This conversation was not any different........

He texted me to inform me that he was back in the military and doing fine.......he has gotten into so much trouble that he decided to straighten up and do right by his children.  Great, I am so proud of him, so very proud, he was really going through some hard life drama, I really wondered if he was going to make it through the year........Cali also wanted to tell me that he wanted to meet me, spend about 3 days with me and we could start a relationship..........lolol BFF, I don't mean to laugh, but how many times do I have to go through this with him......yes, I am being insane, lolol....

You know I laughed at him and told him what I always tell him, "Cali, it is not that simple.  I just don't operate like that."  I guess he got upset, he told me that he had to switch military phones and would give me a call when he got back to base............

I was pleasantly surprised when I received a picture mail from BigDaddy.........ohhh BFF, he is so sexy thug......his text was a nice pick me up.............

Still can't seem to get YumYum off of my mid..................................

Too Much............

BFF, I think I started something that I like........I think I might have started something with YumYum (new name for No Name) that I should have never started..........

I can't stop thinking about what he did to me yesterday......thinking about what I let him do.......I wanted him to do.....how he made my fantasy come true...........how he made me feel ever so fucking good.........ohh oh sorry............

Yeah, BFF, what I am going to do, this is just too much for me right now......oh but it feels so good....I don't even remember what happened today.....cause it just did not matter.......the only thing I remember is how YumYum made me and makes me feel............

BFF, we communicated all day........and I loved every single second of it........I can't wait to get home.......I can't wait to see if I can see YumYum...............I could not get him off of my mind today...........mmmmmmm..........BFF, BFF, BFF......I get the feeling the YumYum may cause some good problems in my life..........this is just too much.........

Let me try to get my mind off of YumYum and give you a little insight about me............I am the youngest of 4 girls.........my father was a playa and he never married my mother, but he did stay with her to raise my sister and I (my father was 22 years older than my mother and had 2 daughter before he had my sister and I.  The story of my family is crazy, I will tell you in another post, lol). 

As a child, I went to elementary and middle school in the same school, as small Lutheran school.  I had the same classes every single year with the same students, so the relationships that were formed were very close and very tight......unfortunate for me, I did not form any close relationships with any of my classmates.....let's just say that I was the kid that was picked on......picked on from 3 year olds until 8th grade (damn, all of those years with the same kids, hmmm). 

During my school years, I felt that there was something different about me but I guess I was too young to figure out what.  Being that I was not popular and I was a target for ridicule, I decided to fight back when I had to and to fight back by being very quiet and getting the best grades that I could. 

Wow, looking back, kids can be so cruel.....they teased me about everything, I mean everything...my hair, skin, body, lips, hips, but, chest, grades, teeth, you name it they teased me about it.......they gave me nick names, Bubba Big Lips, Barracuda.....damn, I would just sit there and take it, but my revenge was demonstrated in my solid A average.......I used my anger, sorrow and pain, channeled it and turned it into a mechanism that pushed me to get A's in every subject....my grades were so good that my teachers wanted to skip me every single year........my mother would not let them (she was skipped as a youngster and felt out of place) so I was forced year after year to endure being teased....

One year I was teased so badly about my lips being big that I would hide my lips in my mouth....I did it so much it formed a black ring around my lips, lol.  You can laugh because it was funny, but at the time, the teasing and the ring caused me so much pain....so much so that I allowed it to make me feel insecure about my appearance, especially my lips........I started to hate them......hate myself......but I pushed through.....I would not let them see me cry...........

The years rolled on and I developed into a young lady.....well, it did not take long for puberty to knock me down.  By third grade my cycle started and I was wearing a bra, great that was something else for them to tease me about.......

Every year it was something different, some other aspect of me that my classmates decided to tease me about.....I got to the point were I thought I was ugly, contemplated killing myself.......

8th grade came around and I was a complete mess.........over the years, the girls in my class dwindled down to 4.......if you recall how it is to be 13, you will recall hormones going wild, that is exactly what was happening with the boys in my class...........

After all of those years of teasing me, causing me to want to die, creating this huge house of insecurity, the teasing turned into adoration and attention..........BFF, I was so confused......the same boys that had been teasing me about everything for 10 years now were giving me attention like I was the only girl on the face of the earth..........could you imagine how confused I was? 

At this point, I thought it was a cruel joke they were playing on me right before we went off to high school to see if I was going to finally break down......I repeat kids can be so cruel......I realized that they were not playing a joke, their attention towards me was natural, so to speak, but it did not change the way I felt about myself........the depression and damage already took their course and the new found sexual attention I was getting did not help.

The summer before I went to high school seem to be the worst summer of my life.......I really wanted to kill myself.....my parents were forcing me to go to the same high school my beautiful, popular, cheerleading older sister was going to.......I could have gone to any high school with my grades, but I was forced to go to Jamaica High...............

BFF, I wished and prayed that high school would be an improvement...........hmmmm.....it was..........it was so very different...........changing classes, more people, clichés, clubs.......what is going on?

High school brought on an entirely new army of characters............which confused me even more........it did not help that my sister was very popular in the school and everyone new her baby sister was gonna be a freshman......huge shoes to walk behind............

I was not trying to walk in or behind them....I just wanted to pass my classes and move on to the next level...........

In high school the teasing stopped.......but the sexual advances continued, but this time they were coming from so many new and different guys........it was overwhelming..........confusing.......scary......for 10 years they hated my full African lips...now guys were giving me compliments about them..........sexual innuendos........hints about what they wanted me to do with them, what they thought they felt like...........what is really happening.......

Wow, this new treatment is really messing me up, shaking up what I thought was true.  If people tell you something for a long enough period of time, you just might believe it, that is what happened to me for 10 years.  I actually thought that my lips were big and ugly, now I am being told something else, I was being told that I was BEAUTIFUL..........imagine.............imagine the confusion........

Everything happens for a reason.........I started loving my lips, looking at them all of the time in secret, making sure they were shiny and soft, but I never let the compliments get to my head or make me cocky.....I remained the quiet girl......the girl that did not want to be seen........

As I grew, over the years, I fell in love with myself........ever so completely......if I were a man, I would fuck me, shit sometimes I wanna fuck myself, lolol.  I know, I am too much!!! lolol (Love you, Muah)

What Have I Done?

BFF, do you ever feel like you want a change?  Ever feel like you need a change? Do you wanna go away with me, cause I have that feeling every single day............

Today started the same as every other day, thank God!.....I woke up.........did my morning routine......meditate, prayers, Violet Flame, trampoline............I was off to a great start.......

The day was actually pleasant.............I really can't complain..............

I usually communicate with No Name during the course of my days...if not every day.....every few days.....No Name keeps me posted on the new flavors he has. 

I have known No Name for about 2 years.  When ever I see him, we take a few minutes to chat.....and we both really enjoy talking to each other...........we talk about everything and anything.......I always feel so very happy and motivated after we speak.......let me mention that I also feel some tension between us......like we want to say or do something but we just don't...you know that nervous tension.......hmmmm

I failed to mention that No Name sends me pics and cartoons to pick me up during the course of my days........when ever I get a text from No Name, I can't help but smile.....he makes me feel like I am in heaven when ever we speak or text.........life is supposed to be simple right BFF? (hint, hint).

Oh, I almost forgot....Sometimes No Name sends me these pics that are........hmmmmmm.........lawd aves murcy......if a man would do to me the things that are being done in these pictures.........let's just say that I will go to jail for kidnapping.........lol

So, rewind, earlier during the day, No Name sent me this pic of a woman sitting on a bar stool with a drink in her had and a man on the floor in front of her, no his knees, hands tied behind him and he is eating her.............................BFF, you remember I told you how I felt about lazy as lovers right?  Was No Name giving me a hint about something?  Part of me did not want to even think that way about No Name, another part of me wanted to find out so badly.........so..........I decided to ask him when we were going to live out the picture, lol....for the rest of the day we continued to text.....but not just about the pic, lol.......

After work, I went to dance class and had fun...........I just wish I took dancing as seriously as I did when I started...everything seems to be a distraction for me............EVERYTHING!!!

By the time I got home, I was a little tired, but I wanted to make some calls and settle in for the night.  I exchanged texts with No Name and decided to go see him to talk for a few minutes. 

When I got to No Name, I felt peace come over me.  We sat and talked about nothing and everything...........we started talking about a subject we never spoke about before, sex..........No BFF, it is not what you think, we spoke about sex and relationships, lol.............our likes and dislikes..........talking to No Name is very insightful..........our conversations help me to open up and look at things from a different perspective..............I think No Name helps me grow...............sometimes I think he is my angel.....

We decided that we wanted a change of scenery and drove to a neighborhood park...........when we got there, we found a semi secluded bench which happened to be near trees and what appeared to be the beginning of a forest........the perfect place to continue our conversation................

So anyway, No Name and I are sitting, talking and indulging (haha, I am sure you can figure it out on your own, if not, send me a comment and ask me, lol).  Out of no where, we started to talk about the pic he sent me earlier during the day.....BFF, lemme tell you.........my curiosity about No Name is so intense..........although we talk often, there is something about him that is mystical, magical............

 

No Name told me that he was willing to show me how he can orally please a woman........Oh my my my........BFF, you know how I feel about this already, I don't even wanna go down this path with him............No Name and I are friends/associates, there is no place for sexual pleasure in our "relationship", right? ...................he wanted to orally please me...........just once...........just to show me that I am wrong about lazy lovers............

 

Check this out, I am shy...........so very shy.......sometimes I am so shy I think I give the impression that I am flirting.......I wanted to................I did not want to.........I wanted it.........I did not want it........I am so very indecisive...........I think too much about time that has not come yet........I think too much about later........just think too fucking much instead of living in the moment.............

Ok Ok BFF, I wanted him to.......I really really did, but I did not want to admit it to him......I did not even want to admit it to you just now, lolol.........I expressed to No Name that he can do it but only for 2 minutes.....let me repeat, 2 minutes, lolol. 

BFF, I could just imagine what you are thinking and what your face looks like.....I know, believe me I know, who the fuck is gonna time something like that, lolol.  But I repeat, I did not want to admit to him that I wanted him to do it so I had to play like I wanted to put a restriction on it.....BFF I am all about pleasure, but I find shame in it too (something you did not know about me, ahaha).  Ok, I am not ashamed, I feel shame....there is a huge difference.........

Ok back to what happened...............so BFF, No Name got busy eatin my pussy and let me tell you, he was not fucking lying.........I know I don't have to mention that I lost track of time, lolol.  No Name went to work on my pussy..........great goodness..........I don't even know how to describe the way it felt, but that shit was FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I was gonna lose my fucking mind.....I don't know how long his head was between my legs but I do know that when he was done, I was confused..lolol...........then.......then BFF, he kissed me every so passionately, WHAT THE FUCK IS REALLY GOIN ON? Listen, Never in my wildest dreams did I think that this would happen, and secondly being that it did happen, I did not expect him to be able to kiss too!!!!!!! Great GoogaMugga (as my father used to say, may he rest in peace!) What have I done? No Name fucking blew my mind!

Listen, I am in a bit of shock right now so I am gonna end this and run to the ER cause No Name is gonna have to have a name from now on in my blogs BFF...........

Gotta Get.............

If you sit back and let certain things flow naturally, you will be amazed at what you see and experience..........that is what I have decided to do with my "superficial relationships"............I reached out to every one, ever single one of the guys I have met within the last few months..............guess what?  NONE replied.....

BigDaddy, Don, Elliot, Mr. Lovel, none of them........not one of them responded.............should I really be surprised? lolol........I text Steve, the dry humper, and he replied that he did not know who I am, lolol..........now that hurt!

I can't say that I am surprised, but I can say that I am a little sad...........I know that life happens, I know that things are sometimes beyond our control, but I also know that people make time for what they want.........maybe it is me......maybe I should not expect people to do the things they say..........maybe I should believe that everything people tell me are lies..............maybe I should just become bitter and twisted and not trust anyone...................hmmm, that would go against my spirit.........so now I am here...........back at the source.........................

I knew it would come to this............why is it so difficult for me to do the things I know I should do......why do I fear success and the blessings that wait for me....they are right in front of me screaming for me to reach out and snatch them............

I feel like I have become too worldly..............like I am more into these "fake friendships" I have and not into growth, spiritualism or the like.............I make time out for everything and anything except for those things that I know will lift me to that next level......that will push me up the ladder of growth.......

I have to figure out why I cling to and why I am attracted to things that I know are no good for me...........figure out why I sway from my path all too often............I gotta get my mind right!

Not Just Yet........

BFF, BFF, today I am supposed to be going to a Chango Bembe with my cousin (please forgive me if I have offended, I am very new to the religion!)........part of me wants to go, part of me is extremely apprehensive....You know I love Oshun.......I just don't think my spirit and energy is right to attend this ceremony today..........

With that being said, I still called my cousin early in the morning so that we could touch basis hours before the ceremony.....I wanted to get some more information from him so I could get it together to go......I called him at 10:30 am on purpose, I know I am always late and I always forget...I actually wanted to put my best efforts forth to go.......being that he told me it would not start until around 1, I knew that calling him this early would help me out a bit..........No answer.......so I texted him....no response....I know the ceremony will be held in Queens, Jamaica area, but I don't have the exact address.........Ok Juicah, just calm down a little.....I called him again.....still the same thing.......nothing........

I decided to clean while I waited for cuz to respond........damn, I missed his call.....lemme call him back.....no answer.....I know he is gonna be busy when he gets there, hmmmmm.......I will just continue to clean..............shit, I missed another call from him........what the fuck?  We are playing phone tag........The end of the day came and we finally spoke to each other......relieved and feeling bad at the same time....we spoke briefly, he was so busy and the music was so lound, he could not stay on the phone long........

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, I guess your thoughts do become things.......although I felt bad about our phone tag game, I know that everything happens for a reason.........I simply was not supposed to go to an Orisha ceremony, not just yet!

I must say.......today was a good day!

Unexpected......

Oh BFF, did I tell you that I went to dance class three times this week?  I did it and today is my celebration day for accomplishing that great feat!

So, tonight, tonight is the night that I let loose and have some fun.  For a few weeks I have been looking forward to this...........tonight we are supposed to be going to the strip club with one of Key's (best friend/music manager) artist and the team.  I am so excited, this has been in the works for a few weeks and I am so very ready.  I got my pants spray painted so I can be a walking billboard for the record company............ohh I just can't wait..............I can't stop smiling..................

WHAT THE FUCK?  I GIVE UP!  Key just told me that the strip club event is cancelled!  I paid fucking $80 for my jeans to get spray painted.........someone is gonna pay for this........you know what?  Key and I are going to go to the fucking studio tonight and I am going to light that shit up!!!! Well, that is what I wanted to do........

I got home in time from work to do everything I needed to do to have a night out...........my hair, nails, find the rest of my outfit.......no matter how focused I was, I just could not accomplish my goals.....time was just not on my side tonight............

When I finally got everything together and ready to leave, it was already after 11.   I did not get to Key's apartment until after 11:30pm. It made no sense to go to the studio at this point, both Key and I were completely livid with what the team was doing.......we decided to just hang out in her neighborhood and see what happens...it has been some time since we just went out without a plan.......

After putting on our makeup and having a few drinks, we made our way to a lounge in the neighborhood.  Music blasting, people talking, drinking and having a good time, we found a spot in the lounge where we could sit, talk and people watch....hmmm, this is nicer than I expected.

To our surprise, not only was the music and atmosphere nice, but there were quite a few nice looking men who provided us with "eye candy" haha.  Ohh, what is this, someone offered to buy us drinks.  Hmmmmm, what a pleasant surprise....a guy bought me a drink and did not cling to me like I owed him something, lol, ha!

I had to make sure that I thanked the gentleman for the drink and when I did, he expressed that he was shocked that I came over to him to thank him again.  What the fuck do I look like?  Do I look like a mean bitch? hmmmmmm.  "What eva!", I thought as I smiled and started a conversation with him.....Davin, yes, Davin is his name. 

Davin and I had the strangest way of talking to each other.  His sarcasm put a constant smile on my face, but then again, I consider myself a little strange when it comes to how people speak, lol.  It was very refreshing to meet a guy who I am not attracted to and be able to enjoy speaking with him.... although I can't say the same for him......I noticed Davin trying to catch his breath, blinking hard and covering his mouth a few times....I guess I was showing too much cleavage.....

We were all having so much fun talking, drinking and laughing we lost track of time......Key and I ended our night and graciously said our "good-byes" to our new found friends and walked home.........Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........that was such a nice outing......just want we needed to end a stressful day!

It has been a long time since Key and I went out and did not come back until the sun came out, like we did tonight, lol..............we had so much unexpected fun......I wonder what tomorrow will bring...............

Find My Size.......

Hmmmmm, BFF, it seems like all of the guys are slowly fading to the background........I guess things did not move fast enough for them.........guess they are not interested..........guess what?.......I don't care, lolol..........

I like when nature takes it course and you see what peoples intentions really are without having to do anything.......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh....So, I don't hear from Mr. Lovel, Don, Steve.....no one...wait..I am lying....BigDaddytexts me....he remains consistent.........he even calls me....hahaha....ok so far he is a keeper...............one day might go by and we don't communicate, but we pick up the next day like we did not miss a beat..........he gets to stay in my world..........

Hmmmm, so, I got a text from my guy, let's call him No Name, lol.  No Name wanted to tell me that he has some real good stuff............wanted to know how I was doing.  No Name and I communicate almost every day and if we don't, it ain't nothing, I know he is never too far away...

Anyway, being that Sam is sponsored by me, I tell him what No Name has so that he can have a wider variety...haha....Against my better judgement, I called Sam to tell him what was available and to see how he was doing since I have not heard from him for a few days.......What a fucking mistake on my part....Sam sounded like he had a straight bitch attitude......commenced to tell me that he did not want to get into it with me and that he did not have a problem, lol.  I should have just saved my phone units, lolol.

Sam insisted on telling me what happened, how he called me over 20 times because he wanted my advice on business and he wanted me to drive some place with him, try out some stuff, he even called around looking for me, lolol.  I knew that he was upset that I was not available for him when he wanted me to be, but such is life, right?

After I quietly listened to him and how he did not have time to go into it with me and how nothing was wrong (but he had to explain, lol), I thought it was my time to talk.  When I started talking, attempting to ask him if he is attached to his phone, he started talking to other people who were around him, while I was talking.  Ok, Juicah, calm down, you know how he is........what? Did he just fucking call me dude?  Ohh ok, I see.  I see clearly.  With a chuckle in my voice, I told him that it was cool and that I hope he has a nice day, while hanging up on him.  ahah.  Niggas!, I swear Niggas just don't grow or change.

I knew I should have left it alone and not called him in the first place, what was I thinking?  Well, I just knew it was over, I knew nothing, lolol.  Five minutes later, my phone was exploding with text messages from Sam about the same fucking thing, about what happened and some other bullshit I did not read.  What is the sense of having a text discussion if nothing happened, what is the purpose of him explaining to me what happened?  What?  I decided to just ignore his texts, even better, I deleted them without reading them.  There is no winning in some situations and I realized that with Sam, there is nothing except what he says and how he feels. 

I actually feel sad because of this......because of the fact I am actually trying to rationalize this entire communication situation with Sam......sometimes the puzzle piece just does not fit, this is one of those times.  I think I keep trying to put him in a position in my life that he does not fit, I keep trying to keep him in my life and he just does not fit............if I were in a store trying on clothes and they did not fit, I would find clothes that fit me, clothes that compliment me and my size..............hmmmmmm.........why can't I apply the same concept to my life...............wow......now that is something to really think about..........Muah!

What More Could I Ask For?

Today is one of my favorite days, "interview day".  You remember my girlfriend, the one I knew before I was born, well......she is a manager for artists and I help her out when ever I can.  What I have been doing for her is finding interns to help her with her projects and clients.  I absolutely love doing this, well sometimes I do.  Today I love it because it is the day that the prospective interns will be interviewed.  How very exciting!!! They are going to be interviewed and I played a part in this exciting part of their lives and day!

Ohh, I love this feeling... feeling of being a part of something that is much bigger than me...something that is on a bigger scale than I could ever imagine........feeling like I have a purpose and my purpose brings people together for a common cause.........ohh this is what life is supposed to feel like every single day............

Besides making sure that all of the applicants had everything they needed and got to the correct address on time, my day was pretty uneventful................it was very peaceful............what more could I ask for?... ahhaha

IRAny...(Irony, lol)

Last year, I met a guy named Ira, well that is what he told me his "Internet" name was, lol.  When he warmed up to me, he confessed that his name is Ira....hmmmmm...things between he and I were hot and steamy, for a short period of time.

Looking back at this short period of time with Ira, we would always pulled at each other.  We wanted to see each other but our schedules conflicted.......when he was at work, I was sleeping, when I was at work, he was sleeping.........all I know is people make time for what they want....if he called late at night, I made time to speak with him......if he wanted to see me, I would make time to see him.....but it was never reciprocated..........hmmmmmm

As with many of the superficial relationships I have, the relationship with Ira was one in which my interest in him was based on attraction.....when we did see each other...the end product was always both of us huffin and puffin before we fell asleep in each other's arms.

The communications game we were playing quickly started to bored me......I would reach out to him hoping he would respond....nope, nothing.... I would rereading his texts in an attempt to understand his absence......got no understanding.....I would text or call him in an effort to start communicating.....no answer, no response.  At one point, I thought by being consistent and pleasant, I would win a response from him....it did not work.  The longer he would not respond, the more I wanted to know why and the more I tried to contact him.  I went from reaching out to him every day to almost completely forgetting that he is a contact in my phone....

The scratched record started to annoy me.......I started to feel like Ira was purposely ignoring me...the worse thing you can do to someone is ignore them, especially me!

I had gotten to the point where if he were ever to reach out to me again, I would give him a taste of his own medicine, plus the fact that I am no longer interested, the distance and lack of communication were the cherries my cake needed.  So, when he reached out to me yesterday and today, I was a little excite but also annoyed.  I did not feel compelled to respond, like I usually do.  I actually wanted to tell him not to write to me anymore......I do not feel anger towards him, I am just tired of this "game".  I am tried of feeling stagnant.....feeling like people don't know or maybe they just don't want to put the time into getting to know one another......wait a minute.....gimme a second to clarify.....just because I want to get to know you, it does not mean that I want to get to know you in hopes of establishing a "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship....it means I want to get to know your person...become more familiar with your spirit.......and establish a friendship........is that too much to ask for?

Perhaps it is........it seems like superficial relationships are the norm, lol......but I want something different.....I want more, I want relationships with value, with substance........

Normally, when certain people (Ira is one of them) reach out to me, I can't help but respond.......my intention is growth....positive growth....causing me to realize I do not have to respond every one.....and........to my surprise I didn't.....I did not respond...... Yesterday, I went through the entire day without even thinking of responding.......without being bothered or haunted with thoughts that if I did not respond to him I would be missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime..........

You see......our feelings are so very....mystical......only we feel them, lol....we can express how we feel, but our feelings are personal.......they are determined by our perceptions or experiences.........they are real to us.....but can be unreal and/or confusing to others........feeling like I would be missing something by not responding to him is based on my perception of who I think he is.......in reality, I really don't know him so what could I possibly be missing? lolol

I guess not responding made him feel a way because this morning, he text me again.  I took my sweet time responding to him, after all, he is not a part of my circle, not a part of my world.  I got some really good advice from my girlfriend.....she was very insightful........My responses to him were a bit evasive, but I did not care....all too often I give up way too much, leaving myself open and vulnerable......I wanted to get some answers from him this time around.

Hmmmmmm,.......his texts gave me the feeling that he was unsure of himself.....unsure of where he stood with me.....Ira wanted to know if I lost interest in him.......I asked him how he planned on keeping my interest, lol..........he asked when he could see me.........I asked him when he was free (lol).........he asked if I missed him.......hmmmm he was asking all of the questions I used to think when he decided to pity me and respond to my texts, lol.  Now the shoe is on the other foot and I have control of the ball!

Being that I felt good about my decision not to respond immediately to Ira, I know see the power I have over my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, my world..........

WOW, IRAny (irony)  is eye opening, lol!!!!!!!