Feel So Blah...................

BFF, so yesterday was supposed to be the day I was to see the "ex".  I guess his wife questioning his "exclusivity" made him...........put off contacting me.  I am in no way boasting or bragging, but let's face it, some people never change and he is one of them.  Don't misunderstand what I write and how I feel.  I do still love him and care for him deeply, but I love me more.  I am not the type of woman who will be involved with a married me, EVER.  I know doing something like that would block me from meeting the my soul's compliment.  I know that doing something like that would destroy me.  No matter how much I humor him and respond to him, I rather die than be a part of what he wants.........He will contact me again.......and the saga continues, with my back facing the past.....................................

BFF, I must admit, I am still hurt, still angry, still confused and yes, I still get sad.  BFF, it baffles me……..why life works the way it does, lol.  Those who do wrong live what appears to be “the good life”, while those who do right, live a life of pain and suffering.  Would I be wrong to wish he suffered the same pains he caused me?  Would I be wrong to hope that he experiences all of the painful emotions that his actions have caused me to experience?  Where would that leave me?  Off of my path to the light…………Whenever we communicate, he talks about his “intentions”, lolol.  What, he intends to fuck me whenever he feels it is real AND remain “happily” married?  Lolol.  How happy can you be if you are married BUT, you often think about fucking someone else, so much so that you reach out to communicate with them?  What I should really be asking is, why is this bullshit even on my mind?  I have to be easy and remember that I am human…….BFF, I do know one thing, I know that it is not up to me to see that what goes around comes around, that is out of my control......I know that karma will have her way............good will come to those who are good, evil will come to those who are evil........I wash my hands and continue to submit to my feelings.............but in the back of my mind, I still wonder why………..

I keep telling myself I am going to go to belly dance class on Saturdays, but it never happens.  I know I should bite the bullet and just go, it would push me to the next level of dancing. Lately, I feel so........blah..........so...............lonely...............so...........blah..............I don't know what I feel...........this is so confusing..............

Not too long ago, I would get colonics every so often........after each colonic, I felt, new, refreshed, replenished with energy.............all of the shit in my life was expelled with the shit cleared out by the colonics.............now that I don't get them that often, I feel............blah..............holding on to the shit like it is who I am...........like my identity is determined by the shit........questioning my life..........questioning the reasons I am where I am.....................questioning why I am.  I know, ultimately, I am in control.............but humanly speaking.......I am but a creature of habit........habits are made to be broken...........hehe...........that's what they say right?

Today I reflect, submit to how I feel, embrace the emotions and let them fade......slowly.......naturally......blah blah blah..............

And.....We Are Off.............

BFF, did I mention that I am off today.....yup that's right......I took another day off of work..

So many things are going on...........I thought I was going away with my co-worker D (sister soul friend), but the natural course of the economy has prevented us from making the trip.  There was also a possibility of me traveling to Cali with my bestest friend Keys (sister soul friend I knew before I was born), who owns a music management company, but I guess plans fell through.  I have to keep reminding myself that things happen for the betterment of me..........I am being protected........although I may think, feel and believe I know what is best for me, The Almight's plan, rhyme and reason for my life is what is in my best interest........no matter what!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I think I need professional help.........listen, I will be the first to admit that I have issues, faults and problems........well, when I think about it..........I can't really say that I have problems...hmmm........my mind is the problem............

"An idol mind is the devil's playground", that's what they say, right?  Well, if that is true, the devil has (of course with a little help from me, I am all about honesty, I just can't help it!) the largest, most pleasurable playground within my Kingdom!  It was not always like that........as a child, I was in control of my mind........I would day dream.......drift away.....have the blank look on my face and let me tell you it was euphoric.  As a young adult (20's and early 30's), people would ask me what I am thinking about when I went into my day dream trance, lol.  My answer would always be "Nothing".  Guess what, there was nothing really on my mind when I was day dreaming.  I know they thought it strange not to have something on the mind, but to me it was so natural, so peaceful.....

Now at 36, my day dreams are far and few between....they are more like mindmares.........and I don't like it.....I don't like to think......thinking hurts........I would always tell people that.......yeah, they thought I was crazy, but I did not give a fuck because I was happy, carefree and I had NO PROBLEMS........(I still don't give a fuck, lol!)

But how do I get back there......how do I get back to the point of not thinking, being at peace, being happy.......Oh I ask myself that every single second I am awake and breathing.  I know I am in control of my thoughts and my feelings........but sometimes for me it is so hard to make it through the day..........without pain.....without thinking.....without torturing myself......without crying.........without the devil sitting on the throne of my Kingdom, ruling my thoughts, causing me to remember pains of my past.

I remember, like it was yesterday, my childhood day dreaming trances.....drifting off into nothingness, enveloped in peace and comfort.........just writing about it makes me feel like I am on the path........path to happiness.......peace.......no thoughts......path to day dreaming again!

Maybe that is what I need to do, just sit and visualize...........sit in quietness.......be still..........allow my trances to come back to me......oh how I long for them to come back........to be better.........be longer.......more powerful..........just the thought of them puts me at ease.................................................that is what I need to do.................hold my hand........come with me...............and................we are off to Ecstasy.....................Muah!(I know you will have fun with me!)