I Got The Feeling...............haha

I've got the feeling..........that somethings goin on............I got the feeling, lolol........BFF, I just absolutely love the R&B group Today:

This is not my favorite Today song, but it states exactly how I feel, like something is definitely going on........everything will be revealed in its time BFF.........you and I will be witnesses

So what, you ask BFF, do I have this feeling about.........I really don't know BFF, really.  I just have a very strong feeling that something is happening and not something that I am really prepared for.  Maybe it is something that I have subliminally been thinking of or wanting to happen, but in my heart of hearts I don't want.........I don't know, but I know you and I will be around to see what it is.........

This is weird............this thing between YumYum and I............I love being around him but I am experiencing and feeling conflicting emotions surrounding him........BFF I know I am extremely confusing when it comes to the relationship department........I want it but I don't want it at the same time.

Many people have told me that I am single by choice...........I say I am single because I have not met a man who I feel is attractive enough for me to get to know............Explanation time, lol.  I love this part.......

Ok let me explain............when I say attractive I don't only mean physical, I mean mental, emotional, spiritual, financial and intellectual........

I have been meeting men who just don't click with me........

I know that looks fade and the body grows old, I am prepared for that to happen to me and my mate.  But what I long for, what I need the most is someone who can mentally stimulate me, spiritually stimulate me, not just fuck me good.......

Why should I give my time to a man who doesn't do those things?  I am not defined by my relationship status, although by societies standards I am.......BFF, for me relationships are so much more......can and should be so much more....they should be a compliment to who I am......they should not make or break me......

Why do people keep telling me that I am single by choice?  Is it because they think I am a great catch and don't understand what it is that I am looking for in a relationship and out of life?  Yes, there are men out in the great world who would like to date me, but that does not mean that I have to or even want to date them.

Why is it that when a woman has standards when it comes to dating and relationships, she is called "Picky"? Of course I should be fuckin picky, are you kidding me?  I am not just going to give of myself to every and any man who approaches me.  If I did, then I would be called "Easy".  Damn, it is a lose lose situation for women like me.

BFF, if I would have stayed in a relationship with any, and I mean any of my ex's, I would be more miserable than I am now, lolol.   Why is it so taboo that I am single?

I was and will never be one to go with the majority or the grain.......no matter how much I complain, I know I am where I am supposed to be......but I still feel like there is something goin on, lol......

BFF, I am starting to think that my feelings for YumYum have run their course.......like we were just supposed to give each other what we needed at that time.....somethings it is like that...........

YumYum and I still hang out, but since we agreed to behave and be the best friends to each other we could be, we have refrained from sex.......it is hard, but we are making it.......

I just keep getting this feeling that for YumYum it is so much more.........like he really and truly loves and is in love with me................I am not sure if I feel the same and this is what bothers me.  It bothers me not because I don't feel the same, but because I know that this is a cycle, a cycle in which someone like he, he likes me, I like someone else, who I like likes someone other than me and the cycle continues....no one ever get the opportunity to grow with who they have their eye on............

Life is so very strange..anyway... Tomorrow is going to be so much damn fun....tomorrow I go to a get together upstate.......oooooh BFF, I really can't wait...I have been looking forward to this for weeks.

I am all prepared to see Oshun and spend some time with her upstate at the river...Every year, one of my co-workers have a BBQ at her house upstate.  She invites her very close friends and family members.  She even books a bus for us to make it up there.

Last year when I went, I was pretty sad and I really missed out on all of the beauty and positive energy the experience and nature provided.  This year I am so ready, it is crazy.

I am taking my mother and my son with me this year.  I know Mum is gonna have a ball, my son on the other hand, let's not talk about him, lol.

I am so prepared to see Oshun at the river.  I have my containers ready to take back some river water for her alter, ohh I just can't freakin wait.

Get this, I am so excited I even know what I am going to wear, ALL YELLOW! 

I feel fucking GRRRRRREEEEAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

Oshun, I can't wait to be with you!!!!!!!!!!!

Great Adventure

Hey there BFF, what am I really doing with my life?

So today I was SUPPOSED to go to Great Adventures with the cousins from St. Thomas……..Ohh let me mention, I did not go to class last night so that I could make it home at the regular time to take the family picture………guess what?  We did not take the picture, great just great right?

So yeah, BFF, I did not go to Great Adventures today and let me tell you why……………

My sister and the rest of the family seem to have been and are communicating on Facebook for some time, both sides of the family……..Now, BFF, I do not go on Facebook too often, it seems that when I do, I stir up a lot of trouble, so I stay off.  Plus the fact that the internet is not my life, it is part of my life, but it is not the center of my life…..furthermore, those people on Facebook who I “friended” and who “friended me” are not really my friends………Ok this topic is needs to be expressed in a separate posting because I can get very deep………

So anyway, I asked my sister last night what time “we” expected to leave and she told me at 8 am………..shit, I forgot to buy and print my ticket yesterday at work, so I got up early enough to do it…..I sent her a text late last night and early this morning asking her if she would mind driving to Queens Boulevard so that I could print it out…..

BFF, I made sure I did this early so that it would give her enough time to say yes or no so that I could find my way there myself……see, I refuse to drive there due to the fact that I knew I would be tired, I did not want to put those miles on my car, I did not want to cooperate, I did not want to spend extra money on gas and tolls and I gave her the information so that we could take the bus in comfort but she gave me some bull shit story about how she is scared to take public transportation because of bugs and germs……….Ok now that is some bullshit cause she used to drive Access-A-Ride……….I kept my mouth shut but I had to invest in Crazy Glue in order to do it…….

Like I said, the power of attraction is my right hand man………I did not get a reply from her about the trip to Queens Boulevard until after 8, she claims she was at the shop getting her car checked for the trip………ok what eva!

We went back and forth with the texts about this and that….I got to the point where I just did not want to go…I asked my son if he wanted to go and he told me that he really did not want to go, he would rather me save the money for shopping for school……..ahh that’s my baby boi!

I tried to explain to my sister, in the nicest way possible (which is very hard when it comes to beautiful big sis sometimes, wink), that my son and I really did not want to take the trip….I know this week is about family, but family should understand that we just don’t want to go…….

So, we did not go…..My son and I stayed home and relaxed all day long…….and we did not feel bad about at all……….

Not only did I save over $200, my son taught me a lesson in finances…………..lolol……

I did not see my sis when she came in, I just hope she and neph had fun………

I will make an attempt to spend time with my cousins tomorrow……but to be honest…….I just wish I could disappear from the face of the earth……sometimes I feel like an alien who is looking for their home planet………

Ahhhhhh..............

BFF, tomorrow and the rest of the week I am off..........I am so very tired..........hanging out with YumYum damn near every night is starting to take a toll on me.........I need to take multi-vitamins, lolol.........I am so American it is sad, always looking for a quick fix instead of a permanent, long lasting solution, lolol.

I am not going to class tonight......there is no way I am going to be able to make it..........

Even though it is an "open level" class, it always seems to be advanced, lol.  I think my teach is the best, but after class, I am limping and I need a cane.........but I love it.

Well, BFF I might hear from Big Daddy every once and a while, but even he fell off......I guess this is the way things are meant to be.........

Ohh BFF, I really do not want to deal with the family this week........the power of attraction will be on my side, so I will not worry......

Oh hell fyah, I knew I was forgetting to do something.......oh BFF, I never told you about this guy that I know............his name is Grizz............I used to frequent an establishment he used to work at over 14 years ago...........

At the time, I can't really say that he and I were dating or seeing each other, but I can say that we had a deep attraction towards each other....so deep that even to this day, when we see each other, no one else exists but us.......I can't really explain, but it is something so deep and so real.

Anyway, life happened and we went our separate ways.........We got in contact with each other over the last 2 years, come to realize our kids have fought each other in self defense tournaments, lol.

We don't talk much now, but when we do, it is nothing but love.......it is like we are in a very loving marriage that continues to grow....hehehe, lolol.

So anyway, what I was forgetting was this......Grizz's son is fighting with the US Self Defense Team and needs donations for the cost of his trips.......Grizz had a fund raising car wash for the cause this weekend and I forgot to go to donate money......in the interim I spoke to Grizz and told him that I would be going to the school to donate money......I just never got around to doing it today.........Oh man, now I feel terrible.....

Hmmmm........I will get around to the school this weekend..........anyway BFF, today is the quiet before the family storm, lolol....Wish me luck!!!!!!!!

Just Another Monday!

So, being that Mercury is still in retrograde, we now know that we should be aware of certain things and that we should be doing certain things, right BFF?  Ok cool!

Today was ok.........being that family is coming in........scratch that, family is here from St. Thomas and we are supposed to be taking pictures and going out,.....I took off a few days this week....let's see how this plays out being that I was not included in the planning.........

Today, my older sister sends me a bbm asking advising that I may have to drive to Great Adventures this Wednesday...........hmmm......not that is very interesting especially since I WAS NOT INVOLVED IN THE PLANNING OF EVENTS surrounding the family's visit.........

BFF, naturally, I started to get defensive........Does anyone bother to ask if I can drive?......you know what, it is no biggie........the fact of the matter is.....I just don't want to be bothered....

Call me a bitch if you like........but I just don't care.............why should I?  No once called or wrote to me to tell me anything, so I will act like I am visiting also.  ahah

Yes BFF, I went to dance class today..........loved it........I really need to start practicing everyday like I used to..........hmmmmmmmmmmm

Other than my usual mental struggles, I have to say that the day was pretty pleasant......let's hope it continues to get better!

The Power of Attraction........NOW!

So BFF, about a week ago I was exiting the train, in a rush to get to work. As I went through the turnstiles I saw this fine as man walking towards me, head on.  Our eyes met and neither of us broke the trance.....something in me told me that I knew him.........

His carmel smooth skin, muscular arms and bright smile had me a bit confused.........he continued to advance and so did I.....I ain't neva skerd!  We got face to face and he says, "Hi Juicah", I am dumbfounded but so excited at the same time.......you see BFF I knew I knew him, but just could not figure out from where....

He smiled at me as he intensely looked into my eyes, not blinking once.........I tried to hide my confusion and excitement, I am sure he noticed my change in stance and expression.........I really did not care, I just wanted to figure out who he was and where I knew him from without hurting his feelings by telling him that I did not remember him, lol....

So naturally I said hi back.......but he had this devilish smile on his face that made me believe we must befriended each other in the past...........

We went through the normal pleasantries and I got to the point where I had to ask him his name............damn him......he was whispering and I advanced closer to him so that I could hear.....three times before I could make out his name..............Phil...........hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Ok BFF, this man was FYNE...........intense and inviting at the same time........oh my goodness.... BFF I know a Phil, this man looks so familiar to me, but I just can't place where he fit in my life in the past.....I can't remember my interaction with him.........

Well, after we spoke briefly and said our goodbyes, we both walked away and I wanted to kick myself for not asking to keep in contact with him..........everything happens for a reason............stay with me...........lol

A few days later, as I was driving home from hanging out with YumYum, it hit me..........just as I parked the car and was about to get out.......I was overcome by a wave of realization..............I remember who Phil is..........

BFF, about 10 years ago.....wait let me go back further..........

In high school, I had this secret eternal crush on a Lacrosse player........ohh BFF, this guy was so cute.....athletic....and nice....

In school, we did not talk much, he was in a class above mine......But whenever we saw each other we would speak.

When my son was about 3, I noticed that he would walk his dogs down my block.  Still shy, I would not say anything to him but hi, in passing.  It did not take me long to build up the courage to talk to him........

Before I knew it, we were calling each other and I was going to his house........Ohh BFF, I was so scared of him because of the crush, but it did not stop me from seeing him...........hmmmmmm and boy did I see him..........

Not only did I see him, but he did things to me that I never thought possible.............time passed and I started to get feelings for him..........I did not want to act like the typical woman, so I back away from him......I would not answer his calls...........the time we spent together dwindled down to never.............I just couldn't take it anymore..........so I disappeared from his life............

Time went by and he stopped calling me also, causing me to wonder about his well being.........10 years later, we bump into each other in the train station and I don't remember him...........

That night in the car..when I remember him....I damn near cried.........I remembered every single things about him....every time we were together.......I recalled all he opened me up to......how he helped me to grow........and I felt horrible because of how I ended everything and how I did not tell him how I truly felt.........now I felt even worse cause I did not get his phone number or give him mine.........

But like I said, everything happens for a reason and I really needed to see him that morning.....it was like a gift from God to see him again......

So BFF, I know "The Secret" works, I understand the power of attraction.....I just don't use it all of the time, lol, even though I should.................

I decided to use the secret, the power of attraction to get in contact with him, not to mention that I put a post up on facebook asking my high school friends for some help.

Well BFF, it really works, it really really does......two days after I put up the post and saw Phil in the subway, one of my old classmates texts me telling me that he saw Phil and gave Phil my number!!!!!!CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!!!

OMG, with every molecule of my being I mustered up all of the want, desire, love, joy and happiness in order to feel like I was communicating with Phil........it did not take much, because I truly wanted to talk to him............I created within me the feelings that it was happening at the moment....you see BFF we all have the power to manifest whatever we want in our lives, if we only understand and use the Power of Attraction.  (I am also telling myself this again, lol).

So anyway, moving forward.  Tonight, I received a phone call....guess who it was.........you got it BFF, it was Phil............We did not speak for long, but the 10 minutes that we did speak was so very exciting and surreal!

Holy Hell Fyah!!!!!!!! BFF, the Power of Attraction really and truly works.......................

So BFF, believe it or not, there was a time when I would always use the Power of Attraction to manifest my wildest desires.......I got to the point that I radiated light.........strangers would ask me where I got my peace from when I would walk down the street.......then......it was so amazing.....so wonderful...I thought I was the shit....so much so that I stopped using it and things changed.............changed back to the way they used to be...........

This situation with Phil and the Power of Attraction was something that I needed...........needed to show me that I still have the power to have and do anything as long as I believe, feel, and act like it is mine, NOW! 

Full Moon..........Monotonous Insanity

The full moon affects many people worldwide causing emotional instability and insecurity. Since the gravitational force of the moon is strong enough to cause the tides, therefore it is possibly changing the gravitational effect on our glands and organs which can affect our moods.

We will experience a full moon tonight, well tomorrow, Saturday, August 13 at 12:57:49 (actually in less than an hour BFF).  I am so excited...............being that Mercury is in retrograde, things have been a bit haywire as well as revealing........things are happening.........things are changing.......people....feelings...thoughts........something wonderful and great is on the way for us........well those of us who are............enlightened, lol..............

BFF, tonight I hung out with YumYum, need I say anymore?...............I have so many mixed feelings......thoughts and emotions about this.........I often ask myself what am I really doing..............what my focus is.............

Sometimes I feel so full..........in a split second I feel empty.............maybe this will explain what I am experiencing better:

Over and over.........I try to break the chain............Over and over.........The heart feels so much pain..........So why?............When will this die?...............Can't take no more....................The pain I can't endure..........How do I stop (this)...........Monotonous Insanity

It's taking (total) control of me..............Again and again.............Move one step...........And find myself in the place I began............Again and again................Playing tricks on me.............Lord help me break free from....... Monotonous Insanity

Over and over..........I'm trapped in  a maze..........Over and over.........I lost track of the days.........Again

Is my lover and friend........Repetition is my daily dose..........Of the disease that's my life source.......Monotonous Insanity

      

If I break free, who will I be.......Monotonous insanity has a hold on me...........Hurts to be here, what is my destiny?

                   Anything is better than this monotonous insanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Confusion.............My Life, lol

So BFF, intense emotions and feelings come and go for me like the waves of the sea...............it seems like every second I have a different feeling.........is something trying to give me a hint of what may lie ahead..........

I try to sit in silence and be patient, so many distractions are around..............the phone, the tv, the Internet......I gotta stay focused, BFF, I gotta stay on path.............

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to do, so much to give, but no one share it with ..............so I sit...........I sit and wait...............

Dance class was crazy today.........but it was fun.............It was supposed to be a beginners class but there were so many advance students in the class, I need that kind of push.........just need to get my mind right..........

BFF, I can't get him off of my mind............is it what he has done to me.......is it what I think he can do...........is it the way he makes me feel............I can't put my finger on it........but he is always on my mind............this is starting to get scary............

I feel like I am slowly slipping away into a fantasy world where only he and I exist............where life as we know it does not matter.............time stands still when we are together...............in our silence, we say so much to each other...............

Is this starting to become a dependency?...........where neither of us can just simply be...........without the other..........that just can't be..............

I question what is happening, what is coming over me............am I tricking myself?............projecting on him what I want it to be...........but in all reality................this is so not good for me.................to want him so intensely...............

My days are full of mindless dreams............much more vivid than reality.............where nothing really matters...........all pleasures are fulfilled..........

BFF, I could just imagine what you are thinking, sometimes I don't make sense to myself.

Stay with me and we will figure this out...............I have to......this is my life, lol!

Trying to Explain......

BFF, I am feeling........hmmmmm.....so hard to explain.........I feel like I am losing my best friend.....I feel like I am gaining everything........this thing.....I just can't put my finger on it......it's hard to find the words to help you understand.............this feeling that has come over me.......not sure if it can withstand.........

I know I did not dig this hole.......how deep could it really be.......every single step I take.........the hole is following me..........I try to run to get away........don't like this game of tag.........I rather fill my days with growth...........so I can capture my flag.............

Been told that when your close to it..............the devil will show his face..........he tempts and taunts and teases me.........I rather be in God's grace.........the peace, the blessings are mine to claim...........but it is not an easy road..........experienced in delusional bliss.........I want what heaven holds..........

The loss I feel is make believe............the devil plays with my mind........his playground is vast and full of games.............it is only a matter of time........before the light will shine from above..........and destroy all of his fun............I know I have the victory...........a gift from the begotten son........

I am fit for greatness, blessed and highly favored..........molded by the Father himself............but the devil's always at my heels...........trying to prevent me from knowing myself..............ascension is my birthright.......let his will be done through me.................everyday he grows within...............blessing my boundless destiny...........creator, comforter, savior and my friend........I HAVE THE VICTORY!!!!

I realize your purpose............to help find my way...........thankful you were sent to me........foreva and a day.......

Sent From Heaven......

I was supposed to go to dance class tonight..........supposed to be getting my shit together........I found myself running home to see YumYum.......our encounters leave me wanting more.............

All day I worked............on the battle fields of heaven and earth (if you are familiar with the Bhagavad Gita or any holy book, you will understand that earth mean our bodies and heaven is our mind, wink!)..............I have my soldiers, my army lined up to defend my spirit........while the army of pleasure, vast and strong, awaits an advance from their kindred enemy...................

I saw YumYum tonight..............we took a trip to another universe............our travel teased our senses.........when we arrived at our destination........we drank a clear sweet elixir which enhanced our senses...........suddenly everything came to life.........we saw light radiating from everything around us......even inanimate objects glowed vibrantly with this light.............

I could feel YumYum thinking of me.........as we sat and witnessed everything coming to life............I could hear his heart beating as his thoughts of me intensified............

We tried to talk ourselves out of the inevitable........the material union we both feed off of........we allow it to ferment every second we are apart..........in hopes to indulge in the sweet nectar our desires create........ 

Why does life have to be so trying........so intense for me?  BFF, I would not have it any other way.......I feel ALIVE..........I feel and see life in everything.........

When I look into his eyes, I see infinity............memorized by the bliss that his spirit brings to me.........

All things are possible when I am with him.......no more duality, I know the course I must swim...........

I thank God for my angel, YumYum................he helps me find my addends to calculate my sum...........

LOL, well I thought that was cute........but seriously BFF....YumYum has to be sent to me directly from God........when ever I am around him, I feel safe, at peace and full of infinite possibilities........I know he is heaven sent............. 

BFF.........This is Me.......And There Is So Much More (Muah, Love You!)

Pisces, the water sign of compassion and unconditional love, is ruled by the planet Neptune.  Pisces is the sign of personal sacrifice and surrender.  Pisces is symbolized by two fish tied to each other, one representing the soul and one representing the personality.  If the soul captures the personality, the personality becomes spiritualized.  If the personality captures the soul, the soul seeks escape from the world. 

Pisces is often symbolized by the ocean; much like the ocean, it is wide and expansive with a ton of secrets that lie beneath.  Pisces represents that in within our psyche — the subconscious mind connecting to the collective conscious that is just brimming with secrets.  Interestingly enough, the planet Neptune represents both illusion and vision.  Illusion because it is the part of us that seeks escape and represses anything oppressive while  it can also bring amazing insight and vision as we move closer to being more like our higher selves.

Pisces woman is a fascinating mixture of earthly passion and unworldly fantasies. It’s no wonder that men are captivated by her at first glance and haunted by her forever after. They may try to recall what it is about her that’s so enchanting, but they can’t plumb the depths of her enticing allure.

Her knack for getting around men is uncanny. She has an instinctive ability to make men feel masculine. Her  gentleness and softness and innocence bring out their need to be strong and protective.  Pisces lady doesn’t pick her mate on the whim of the moment. Like all water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces), she has a mysterious way of uncovering the secrets that lie beneath a person’s social mask, and her psychic vision sees through to real motives. Sensitive to the slightest nuance in what someone says or how someone behaves, she’ll quickly beat her way to the exit if what she sees and hears isn’t quite right.

The lovers that Piscean woman chooses tend to fall into two extremes. Because she needs to be needed, she finds herself attracted to emotionally handicapped men whom she can mother and envelop with compassionate care. She also falls in love with the opposite kind of man—one who is strong, decisive, with a great sense of self, a man who will protect and cherish her, and give her the support and firm direction that she needs.  To her love is the ballast, the center from which all else radiates.  When she is happy in love, everything else in life seems marvelous.  When she is miserable over a love affair, nothing else matters. Her greatest need is to lose herself in someone else, to unite in an almost mystical communion.

She wants to enter into the psyche of her lover. More than any other woman in the zodiac, Pisces will change herself to fit the image that her partner wants. Hers is a mutable sign and she is completely adaptable. Yet this woman of a thousand faces remains uniquely herself: elusive, untouchable, mysterious. She has a fascination that no one quite understands.

The Piscean woman’s charms can be a little too otherworldly. Daydreams are her truest reality. One of the many things men find bewitching about her is that she can give full expression to her sexual fantasies. Pisces woman is accomplished at all varieties of erotic play and can employ the skills of a courtesan to heighten the delight of her lover.

Sometimes her abundantly affectionate nature goes over the brink into dependency. But her psychic intuition lets her know when she’s reached the limits of a man’s patience.  She can, if she wishes, take steps to win back a man’s favor. Sometimes though, she becomes touchy and oversensitive at another’s lack of understanding.  What she needs most is patience and sympathy. She can’t stand the least hint of rejection. When she’s treated with care and affection, however, the sensual, ultrafeminine side of her nature comes shining through. She has the ability to blend a grand romance, an intense sexual bonding, and profound spiritual communion all within the same relationship.  The secret of pleasing this ethereal, unworldly, quicksilvery sensitive woman is never to come up short on romance.

Romance is the breath of life to her.

Shining Star...........

BFF, BFF, BFF..........why oh why is the ding dong devil riding me......why? .................I am trying my hardest to stay the path.........trying my hardest not to give in................I fight but I feel like I never ever win cause it is on me..............invading me.......trying to take control of me..........today it got the best of me............

BFF, almost every night I have exchanged pleasantries with YumYum.........we have to stop this.........it is like we feed off of each other energy........like we need to be around each other in order to grow..............the magnetic energy between YumYum and I is indescribable..........BFF, I am not talking about anything sexual either...I am talking about pure divine energy......I am talking about spirits connecting and growing.....I am talking about something that is so hard to explain in words..............

BFF, today.........I had no control of how I was feeling......I did not want to have control.......I basically gave up............but YumYum was there to help me...........like an angel he carried me on his wings to safety and nursed me back to health...........

BFF, I can't lie..........he fucked me back to health, lolol............we both know that this should stop.......we both admit that it is not right.........we both fight internally with our flesh desires...........but we always lose the fight.........we end up failing the test...........which leads us to wanting each other more..........more intensely.......more deeply.........oh my heart is so torn............

To deprive ourselves of this wonderful gift would be a sin..........but our thoughts and actions are hard to keep within.......just the thought of being around him brings light to the dark..........something has to give and hopefully not my heart..........

When I feel down, he is there to pick me up........does not have to know what is going on, his essence fills to the brim of my cup........like a gift from above, he is always right on time........what we have is so sweet cause he can't be mine............

Always so close to me, toughing my heart...........yet so far away, why did we allow this to start............illuminate my path, my shining star.................sent directly from heaven, a gift from my Savior......

BFF, what I am going to do about my Shining Star?

My Eternal Garden.........Oshun

Hey BFF, today was another emotionally confusing day for me........nothing happened..........it is just that force I was telling you about fucking with me again.......I was told that this will happen because I am very close to my blessings.........I must always be close to my blessing.........cause I ALWAYS have this.........this depressed feeling, lol.......anyway....let me turn my attention to something more positive.....something that brings me joy.......Oshun......

BFF, for some time I have been telling you that I am going to give you information about her, well what better time than now to share the good news.................

Remember I told you that I had 2 readings...........well, they were spiritual readings.........readings based on Yoruba divination............I will break it down for  you BFF because I think this is very important for you to understand.............

According to Wikipedia: - The Yorùbá religion comprises the original religious beliefs and practices of the Yoruba people.  Its homeland is in Southwestern Nigeria and the adjoining parts of Benin and Togo, a region that has come to be known as Yorubaland.  During the Atlantic slave trade, it was carried by a number of enslaved practitioners to the Americas and the West Indies, where it has influenced or given birth to a slew of religious systems such as Lucumí, Umbanda and Candomblé.  Yoruba religious beliefs are part of itan, the total collection of songs, histories, stories and other cultural concepts which make up the Yorùbá mode of existence.

Beliefs

According to Kola Abimbola, the Yorùbá have evolved a robust philosophy, in brief, it holds that all human beings possess what is known as "Àyànmô" (destiny, fate) and are expected to eventually become one in spirit with Olódùmarè (Olòrún, the divine creator and source of all energy). Furthermore, the thoughts and actions of each person in Ayé (the physical realm) interact with all other living things, including the Earth itself.  Each person attempts to achieve transcendence and find their destiny in Òrún-Réré (the spiritual realm of those who do good and beneficial things, a place somewhat similar to the Abrahamic kingdom of Heaven). One's Orí-Inu (spiritual consciousness in the physical realm) must grow in order to consummate union with one's "Ipônri" (Orí Òrún, spiritual self). Those who stop growing spiritually, in any of their given lives, are destined for "Òrún-Apadi" (Lit. the invisible realm of potsherds (potsherds are oieces or fragments of a broken pot; fragments, shards, sherds)).

 Life and death are said to be cycles of existence in a series of physical bodies while one's spirit evolves toward transcendence. This evolution is said to be most evident amongst the Orishas (An Orisha (also spelled Orisa or Orixa) is a spirit or deity that reflects one of the manifestations of Olodumare (God) in the Yoruba spiritual or religious system.), the divine viziers of the Almighty God.

Iwapẹlẹ (or well-balanced) meditation and sincere veneration is sufficient to strengthen the Orí-Inu of most people.  Well-balanced people, it is believed, are able to make positive use of the simplest form of connection between their Oris (Ori, literally meaning "head," refers to one's spiritual intuition and destiny. It is the reflective spark of human consciousness embedded into the human essence, and therefore is often personified as an Orisha in its own right . In Yoruba tradition, it is believed that human beings are able to heal themselves both spiritually and physically by working with the Orishas to achieve a balanced character, or iwa-pele. When one has a balanced character, one obtains an alignment with one's Ori or divine self.

Alignment with one's Ori brings, to the person who obtains it, inner peace and satisfaction with life. To come to know the Ori is, essentially, to come to know oneself (Gnothi Seaton, haha), a concept extremely foreign to Western philosophy. The primacy of individual identity is best captured in a Yoruba proverb: "Ori la ba bo, a ba f'orisa sile". When translated, this becomes It is the inner self we ought to venerate, and let divinity be.) and the omnipotent Olu-Òrún: an adúra (petition or prayer) for divine support.

Prayer to one's Orí Òrún has been known to produce an immediate sensation of joy. Ẹlégbara (Eṣu, the divine messenger) initiates contact with Òrún on behalf of the petitioner, and transmits the prayer to Ayé; the deliverer of àṣẹ or the spark of life. He transmits this prayer without distorting it in any way. Thereafter, the petitioner may be satisfied with a personal answer. In the event that he or she is not, the Ifa oracle of the Orisha Orunmila may also be consulted. All communication with Òrún, whether simplistic in the form of a personal prayer or complicated in the form of that done by an initiated priest of divination, however, is energized by invoking àṣẹ.

In the Yorùbá belief system, Olódùmarè has àṣẹ over all that is. It is for this reason that He is considered supreme.

According to a Yorùbá account of creation, during a certain stage in this process, the "truth" was sent to confirm the habitability of the newly formed planets. The earth being one of these was visited but deemed too wet for conventional life.

After a successful period of time, a number of divinities were commanded to accomplish the task of helping earth develop its crust. On one of their visits to the realm, the arch-divinity Obatala took to the stage equipped with a mollusk that held in its shell some form of soil; two winged beasts and some cloth like material. He emptied the soil onto what soon became a large mound on the surface of the water and soon after, the winged-beasts began to scatter this around until the point where it gradually made into a large patch of dry land; the various indentations they created eventually becoming hills and valleys.

Obatala leaped on to a high-ground and named the place Ife. The land became fertile and plant life began to flourish. From handfuls of earth he began to mould figurines. Meanwhile, as this was happening on earth, Olódùmarè gathered the gasses from the far reaches of space and sparked an explosion that shaped into a fireball. He subsequently sent it to Ife, where it dried much of the land and simultaneously began to bake the motionless figurines. It was at this point that Olódùmarè released the "breath of life" to blow across the land, and the figurines slowly came into "being" as the first people of Ife.  For this reason, Ile-Ife is locally referred to as the "cradle of existence".

The Yoruba claim that they have 401 deities; in truth, there are more than these. The complexity of their cosmology has led Western scholars to compare them to the Ancient Greeks and their impressive pantheon. Yoruba deities are known as orisha, and the high god is Olorun. No organized priesthoods or shrines exist in honor of Olorun, but his spirit is invoked to ask for blessings and to confer thanks. The Yoruba believe that when they die they enter the realm of the ancestors where they still have influence on earth. Annual homage is paid to the grave sites of ones' forbears, and lineage heads are responsible for honoring all deceased members of the lineage through a yearly sacrifice. Maskers (egungun) appear at funerals and are believed to embody the spirit of the deceased person. Other important orishas include Eshu, the trickster; Shango, the god of thunder; and Ogun, the god of iron and modern technology.

Ok BFF, I know that is allot of information but it was necessary for me to include it so that you can have a basic understand of the culture and religion......now we can go on to Oshun............

Oshun is one of the youngest Orishas..........she reigns who love, intimacy, beauty, wealth, diplomacy, love, maternity, marriage,

Oshun is beneficent, generous and very kind. She does, however, have a horrific temper, one which she seldom ever loses but which causes untold destruction whenever she does. Oshun is said to have gone to a drum festival one day and to have fallen in love with the king-dancer Shango, Undergod of lightning & thunder. Since that day, Shango has been married to Oba, Oya, and Oshun, though Oshun is said to be considered his principal wife.

According to the Yoruba elders, Oshun is the "unseen mother present at every gathering", because Oshun is the Yoruba understanding of the cosmological forces of water, moisture, and attraction. Therefore, she is believed to be omnipresent and omnipotent. Her power is represented in another Yoruba proverb which reminds us that "no one is an enemy to water" and therefore everyone has need of and should respect and revere Oshun, as well as her followers.

Oshun is the force of harmony. Harmony which we see as beauty, feel as love, and experience as ecstasy. She, according to the ancients, was the only female Irunmole amongst the original 16 sent from the spirit realm to create the world. As such, she is revered as "Yeye" - the great mother of us all. When the male Irunmole (Irúnmôlè are entities sent by the Supreme (Olódùmarè) to complete given tasks, often acting as liaisons between Orun (the invisible realm) and Aiye (the physical realm).  Irúnmôlè(s) can best be described as ranking divinities; whereby such divinities are regarded as the principal Orishas.) attempted to subjegate Oshun due to her femaleness, she removed her divine energy or spark of life (called ase by the Yoruba) from the project of creating the world and all subsequent efforts at creation were in vain. It was not until visiting with the Supreme Being, Olodumare, and begging for Oshun's pardon (as advised by Olodumare) that the world could continue to be created. But not before Oshun had given birth to a son. This son became Elegba, the great conduit of ase in the Universe, the eternal and infernal trickster.

Oshun is known as Iyalode, the "(explicitly female) chief of the market."  She is also known as Laketi, she who has ears, because of how quickly and effectively she answers prayers. When she possesses her followers, she dances, flirts and then weeps- because no one can love her enough and the world is not as beautiful as she knows it could be.

Ok BFF, wow, that was a lot.........but that is not all of it.....there are many stories about all of the different Orishas and the history of the Yoruba people, culture and religion....just like with any and everything, lolol.

When I feel in love with Oshun, I feel in love with love and life itself...........BFF I was overcome with such bliss and joy at times I my jaw hurt from smiling so much.....

I knew nothing about the religion......knew nothing about Oshun.......but something compelled me to do some research, get some facts, learn about her so that my love for her would grow and last.......let me tell you BFF it did.........

The more research I did on Oshun, the more I realized that I am similar to her...............the more I read and talked about Oshun..........the more I felt her presence in my life.............the more I thought about Oshun....the more I lived ever second in blissful ecstasy...............before I knew it, I built an alter out of my obsession for Oshun..........the more I noticed things were becoming more alive around me.......the more I noticed.......everything because of Oshun........

I started dancing differently, thinking differently, feeling differently, I was oozing Oshun and I was not even trying........I was triangulating with Oshun............and BFF, it is true, we are connected.........life is a circle..........we are all one................it is so true BFF.................

As with all things, I feel off........becoming consumed with the world, lolol...............being tricked into believing and feeling like this illusion we call life is more important that the spirit, lolol..........wow habit is a very powerful thing..........

Anywho, BFF, now that I have written all of this for you........my love for Oshun has blossomed again...but this time around, the garden is eternal................

(Do a little research on Oshun, you will see why I am in love with her so much!, Muah)

Clouds of Confusion.........

BFF, something wonderful came over me today......it was such a blessed thing........if I could only bottle this feeling.........if only........I could figure out how to keep this feeling......Oh BFF......it was so amazing..........

Until it was time for me to get ready to end my work day........the feeling slowly started to leave me........and in its place............slowly sneaking...........crawling...........inching............infecting me......this feeling BFF you see........I am starting to think it is a part of me.................

BFF..........I struggle every second............do I make it seem like it does not happen......like this feeling I never get?............I can't even think straight.......having a hard time expressing what I feel...........

Give me some time to try to work this out........get this out............out of my system so that I can be..........who I am supposed to be.............

Why do I feel like this........a black hole of emotions.......What the hell is wrong with me?  I know that my thoughts become things....I know that I am in control, but this thing that is taking over me is stronger, you see..........the more I fight it the more it grows in me.......please lawd help me..........this is not how it is supposed to be..................

I fight, I struggle......for what is right in front of me..........I stretch my arm out but never get close enough to snatch it.........for it is too fast.....my weight it too great............although I am naked.........my kingdom is being constantly invaded............just the thought of death.......death of my ego scares me.....for it is who I think I am....but not who is really me............

It controls me......whispering painful nothings in my ear to haunt me.......keeps me in the place it wants me to be........full of pain, hurt, confusion, and misery............this is too much..........please set me free..........

You don't want a battle, don't want me to fight............just please walk away......it will make everything right.....for if I have to retaliate.......it will only be to your demise.....I am not cursing you, for this will be your fate........

Please back away, give me some space......you don't want me to get angry, don't make me change my face....for there is something in me that is greater than me.....something in me that very few see....something so strong and powerful you see.........I have to keep it at bay cause it frightens me............

What you do not know, what I hold in secrecy......is the fact that the Infinite dwells deep in me........I have allowed you to reside within me too long.......my world is not yours, it is not your home........I know you only go after those who are strong......you have been after me since before I was born...........

I ask you again to please just let me be.......you really don't want to get me angry..........cause if I have to fight you it will become messy.........I told you the Infinite is in me, don't test me.......for you will fail and be destroyed........you just keep on pushing me.......you will not win this war, not even if your army took anabolic steroids...................hahaha

Saying Hello........I love you!

Hey BFF, sorry I did not write to you yesterday..........it was a hard day for me to get through.........yesterday was the day my father passed......one year ago..............

I can't say that I had a good relationship with my father when he was alive..........he was my father........we did not speak to each other much........I always feared him..something about his was so militant, so distant.........I guess it did not help that he was "old school" in his ways.......never the less he was my father and I tried my best to show him the utmost respect no matter what I thought and felt...........

Looking back, I wish I would have gotten over my fear and communicated with him more........he got sick about 10 years ago and from there it went downhill..........his sickness effected everyone............he went from a vibrant man.......to a cantankerous evil man........cussing my mother.....pulling guns on her.......you name it, he did and said it........the effect was my mother becoming very angry and depressed...........

Me on the other hand, I could not take it so I did what was best for me and I moved out......I did not want to disrespect my parents and it was my time to leave the nest..............but when I left, it got worse.............I still saw him every day, but he was not the same.......he was deteriorating.....angry......lonely.........

As his sickness progressed, I found the patience to talk with him when ever his mind allowed......wowow he had some wonderful knowledge to share.......

There were things about him that I found out while he was sick.......things that made me not like who he was as a person..........I started to question everything about him........his motives, his character, his feelings, his life...everything....I just could not understand............

The day before he passed, I visited him in the hospital......I could tell that he did not want to be here anymore......he was fighting, fighting to get the tubes out, fighting not to eat.....I guess he was ready to go on to the next stage of existence............

At this point, I was pissed because of what I found out about him.....the women, the infidelity......how he met my mother when she was in middle school going to school with his oldest two daughters, it just seemed like his entire life all he did was use and abuse women to get what he wanted.....typical man........the end results were horrible......his wife was put in a hospital, he moved his mistress into his house, never married my mother and now he was dying and he had all of the secrets still with him............

BFF, by no means do I feel like anyone has to explain anything to me, especially my parents.....but I do long for an understanding of why people behave the way that they do so that I will be able to behave in such a way that we can all benefit.....I just wanted to understand why my father made the decisions he made in his life.........

So back to the day before he passed..........I told myself that I was going to visit him before I went to work....I had to pass the hospital every day on the way to work and home.........

The morning came and it was not until I got to work that I remembered I was supposed to go see him........two hours after I arrived at work, I received a phone call from my mother telling me that my father passed.........BFF, I was not sad.....I was pissed.......how could he die and leave my mother with nothing........he did not even marry her............all of those years he was with her and nothing........why? I wanted answers and I was fucking pissed..............

The funeral came, I was pissed.........days passed, I was pissed.......months passed, I built a shrine for him....he started coming to me in my dreams............was he trying to tell me something?  I made sure I had a white candle lit for him to give him light and a cool cup of water to keep him cool....I want to know........wanna know why he is appearing in my dreams.....what it all means...........

After he passed, it took some time for me............time to reflect on all of the conversations I had with him while he was still in the physical form (for death is just the relinquishing of our gross physical illusion shells and entrance into our real spiritual state of being)................time to understand that he did the best with what he had at the time.......time to forgive myself for being so angry with him because I felt that he could have and should have............time for me to just be at peace with the entire situation....................

Today I cried because I miss my father so much......today I feel my father is with me..........today I am overcome with something I can't explain.........today I am cleansed because I know that I am always being protected and blessed........today I said "Hello" to the my father and the relationship we can now have........Hello, I love you DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crystals.............

BFF, how are you?  I hope you are feeling well, I hope the sun is shining on you because more times than not, I think the sun runs away from me.  Lucky for me, I love the rain..........it cleanses me completely............BFF, my mind still wonders to the pain........and I really don't have time for it...........but I can feel when the ex is thinking about me, I can feel when he is fighting the urge to contact me............I can feel it and I don't want to feel it any longer..............listen, I know you are probably tired of hearing about him, don't worry BFF, next time you hear about him it will be shocking, mind blowing and jaw dropping..........ahahahaha

Today was kind of odd....... but sometimes odd days turn out to be good days....just like this one......

Work was work, nothing to report on that.....after work D and I went to a store in the village to get some crystals.....I have enough at home so I did not foresee me buying any from this spot.  I have been feeling kind of down, but I try to ignore it and keep pushing..........hence going to the crystal store with D.....

We jumped on the train, after we got off from work, and went to the store.........not sure if you know anything about crystals, but they have energies that do different things....I knew I was going to get the charge I needed just by being in the store.......what I did not know was that I was going to purchase some crystals..........

An unbelievable peace came over me as we entered the store, which happened to be full of white folks........it is amazing to see that some any white folks are into metaphysics, why aren't more black folks into it......and when black folks are into it, why is it said that we practice voodoo or witchcraft? Hmmm, things to ponder, lol.

Anywho, D picked up some crystals for her Orishas.......I love hanging with D, she is a wonderful spirit.......as we were looking and talking about stuff in the store, I had an overwhelming urge to get some crystals myself......crystals that will help my heart and help me to spiritual advancement (listen, say what you want, the energy in crystals are real).......

As D was on line to purchase her stuff, I asked the store rep to point out crystals to help with my heart, forgiveness and love........she pointed me to a table full of crystals and told me to pick up only the crystals that I was drawn to......I took my time and gave my attention to each cup of crystals.............yes BFF certain crystals I was drawn to and when I picked them up, I started to get light headed, my arm started to tingle like it was falling asleep......before I knew it, I had 6 crystals in my hand and I left like I was smoking and on codeine, lol 

Sluggishly walking to the register, I felt love, peace, hope, happiness, oneness, and security...........I asked the cashier if I got the right crystals and she told me that my energies were right on target and I picked all of the crystals that would help me.......

D and I left the store feeling like we won the lottery...........I am gonna sleep with the crystals tonight and see what happens.....wish me luck..

Judgment Day.....

BFF, I notice things.  I know you know I do.........the odd thing about what I notice is this....PEOPLE DO WHAT EVER THEY WANT TO DO WITHOUT CARE, THOUGHT OR REMORSE..........I put that in capital letters for a reason.....

I know I am not an angel, but I know that I make it my business not to do things I know will hurt others.......stay with me now because I am trying very hard not to out right have this posting full of curses and people's names............

I know many who read my blog may not be very happy with what I have written.....I know many people reading my blog have probably deleted me from their fake ass Internet lives.......I don't give a flying fuck..........my role on earth is not to serve or make man happy......I have done that to my demise too many times.............

It burns me when those who have done wrong, those who have done me wrong live life as if they will never have to be held accountable for their actions and thoughts........they live like karma will never catch up to them.........

BFF, I feel the thoughts, they are so very strong, I feel them thinking of me.......I feel it with such intensity sometimes I get faint...........

You don't have to love me, you don't have to like me, but sooner or later you will be confronted by your negative karma involving me...........you will be held accountable for the wrongs you have placed on my path causing me to experience, you will be held accountable for your hurtful actions regarding me.........you will be held accountable and when you are, you better believe that I will be there, looking on as all things come to light............as you are faced with the truth of who you really are and what you have done..................you can run but for so long..........your time will come and when it does..............ohh when it does............I only pray that you are humble enough.....that you are open enough to see your wrong doings and make the steps necessary to correct them................

I know I am blessed and highly favored...........I know I am no saint...........but what is in store for you my love is something I would not wish on my worst enemy......I only pray that you understand what I have written today...............your judgment day is on the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swing of Thangs.............

Why, Why, Why, BFF did I miss my colonic yesterday.................when I got home from the boat ride, I passed out and did not even hear my alarm go off......I jumped out of bed to find that I had 30 minutes to get to the city.........lolol............

Thank goodness Nacim is cool.......she rescheduled me for today..........and yes BFF, I made sure I went to my appointment this morning......I really needed to be around Nacim, absorb some of her energy and get that shit sucked out of me and my life, lolol..........

Weekends are hard for me...........I have no structure on the weekends with regards to my spiritual routine........I get up and just keep moving instead of taking the same time out to give thanks, pray and meditate............today was different, I wanted to be in the zone........I wanted to intensify the effect of the colonic so that I could hopefully remain at peace during the week............let's see what happens..........

Do I really have to mention the fact that YumYum is still on my mind............do I have to mention the fact that YumYum and I still talk all day, everyday...........No, lol..........I think YumYum is my earth angel.........thank you God!!!!!!!!

So, BFF, the colonic was GREATTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!! Just the spiritual boost I needed, not to mention I felt lighter and had more energy........I did not go to dance class, I felt that there were more important things to spend my money on today...........

BFF, I have had 2 spiritual readings within the course of a year and a half..........neither reader knew me or anything about me.......neither reader asked specific questions of me...........both readers told me the same thing..........

I bet you wanna know what they told me, right, lol?  Well, they both told me that I have high spiritual energy and that is where my focus should be in order for me to live the life of my dreams...........hmmmm.....now that is very interesting...........

Let me tell you a quick story BFF about me so that you will understand why I think this is interesting........

If you recall, I have mentioned that as a child I always felt and knew there was energy or an entity looking after me....its presence was very strong at all time, even now..........I would hear and see things, be able to move things.....sense others emotions.....sense things before they happened......well, BFF as a child it scared me.........as an adult, it intrigues me and makes me feel at peace......I long to be one with it, long to be closer to it all of the time.............

Not too long ago, it was in me, with me, it was me......I radiated the light.........I felt the light in everything I did, said and thought.....the light was me and I was the light........

It took hard work and disciple to get to that point.........I guess I was feeling myself so much........so much so that my routine became obsolete..........I felt like it was my birthright and I no longer had to do any work to maintain it....boy was I wrong..............slowly everything that I had, I lost........but the great thing about it is.....BFF, I know that once I start up again, it will be so much better than it was the first time around........that is the joy of life BFF, learning from your mistakes and improving your qualitiy of life because of them...........and that is what I am doing.....I am slowly getting back into the swing of things..........

Oh My My My..............Comfort Zone

BFF, BFF.........what is going on with me.........last night I decided to go on a boat ride with Key.....the DJ was hosting and we were invited to go............

I wasted the entire day.....started to get a funky attitude for no reason.......my moods are out of control.......anyway BFF.. I got it together and got to Key in time to get to the pier so we would not miss the boat.......

After we parked and started walking towards the boat, we gave each other a strange look............we noticed that everyone line either had on red or white........why was I wearing flowers and Key was wearing black, lol............

We did not pay it too much attention, it is always good to stand out in the industry, lolol.......so many different characters.....so many different outfits, hairstyles, personalities............I love people watching.......Key thinks it is so amusing to see my facial expressions as the side show plethora makes it way in front of us to their destination..............I think I should have brought a pair of sun glasses with me............I could just imagine my face....................

So we were waiting in front of the pier for the DJ and his manager.............they finally arrived and we exchanged words with security...........apparently it does not matter who you are or who you are with, now a days EVERYONE gets the same treatment, lol..........celebrities no longer get special treatment............

With that out of the way, we boarded the boat..........hmmmm...........everyone else is getting on the boat next to ours.........wait.........EVERYONE is getting on the other boat............oh well, I honestly was not in the mood to be around a lot of drunk people on a boat...................

Now, we are on black folks time, but we did arrive early.........I guess we waited a few more minutes for late comers...........it did not help......our boat had no more than 50 people on it, if that much..............it was basically empty..............everyone had a seat and there was plenty of space to spare.........now that I look around, I notice that everyone on the boat knows each other............Key and I are the only people who don't know anyone on the boat........great just great...........

To add fuel to the fire...........those who boarded ranged from their 20's to their 60's....................SMMFH (shaking my mother fucking head)......I was determined to just have some refreshing time on the water.........I really needed to be out with Yemaja more than an other disturbing element that I may face on the boat............

We finally pushed off and the weather was absolutely perfect.......all of the lovers on the boat......all of the friends........it seems like everyone from the same project complex was in attendance......including the weed man...............

Yemaja was nice to me this evening……….I think she sensed my love for Oshun….(they are sister Orishas).

BFF, I think I may have needed a drink but I have a colonic schedule tomorrow that I really don't want to miss, but I really think I need a drink.....we decided to walk around, plus we were starving...........we descended into the belly of the boat and found the treasure we were looking for......food........

You know how black folks get down.......since there were no servers, we served ourselves and boy oh boy was it surprisingly good.............we sat below deck, exchanging jokes and enjoying the food and the warmth..........did I just hear someone say that the deserts were made of weed?  What the fuck is really going on here?...................I gave Key the most surprised and confused look I could muster..........Key just gave me a blank stare like she did not hear or want to be aware of anything, lolol...

We made our way back upstairs and sat on the deck........just want I needed......quiet time to reflect........are these people rolling right out in the open and smoking.........What in the good world?........BFF, although this boat ride hit the spot for me spiritually, I was so damn confused at what I was seeing.........what was going on right in front of my face.........wow............

The ride and night came to an end and I felt like I was with Yemaja all night.......she comforted me and made me feel at peace........I really enjoyed the boat ride, the water and the entire experience............

BFF, believe it or not, I fear the water............thank you Yemaja for helping me step out of my comfort zone.....................

Terrance.......

BFF, today was so very wonderful.......today I finally got to wear my spray painted jeans.......today I was finally the walking bill board for the record label.....yes......it is so much fun to be part of a team.........

The day started with a boom............I got off to a great start......I know I have not said much about my morning routines.....that is because I have been doing them.........lolol...............and I feel energized.........this morning was no different, well, it was different, I got a chance to watch Maury...I love his shows...........

I had to meet up with Key before the show so that the team could meet at the studio before we went to the show..............being that I was going to be on my feet and in public all day, I wanted to make sure that I represented the artist and the label properly, so I dressed the part.......I put on my painted jeans, a red shirt and red sexy sandals and made my way to Key's house..........

Ohh when I got there BFF, I was so happy and excited........finally I would get a chance to see the artist in action and have fun networking.............that is exactly what I did........

Before we even got to the venue for the show, Key's and I were frustrated.........working with so many different personalities can be challenging, not to mention working on black folks time..........shit can get kind of hectic.......that is exactly what happened, lol.

When we finally got it all together, we realized that we might not have enough cars to drive everyone to the venue........great just great BFF.........I left my car at Key's house........fuck me..............

We had to squeeze into Key's car, but tell me, why did I have to be the one to sit on Terrance's lap............BFF, I know you don't know who JR is, so let me take you back............

Terrance, Terrance, Terrance.............I met Terrance a few months ago at the studio............this was around the time when a young man wrote a song about men hitting on his mother.....the song went viral and the boy became an instant celebrity.............I remember Terrance because he was in the studio talking about how he was associated with this boy and all of the other projects he was working on.....Key introduced us to each other but I did not really pay attention.........

It just so happened that at that time, I just started looking for interns for Key and the studio..............Key referred me to Terrance, Terrance contacted me and I started looking for interns for some of his projects also........now BFF you have to remember, at this point I did not remember meeting Terrance at the studio

So, Terrance and I are communicating via email with regards to the interns and his projects.......since I did not remember meeting him and this is business, I would call him "Sir" to keep it professional.  Not to mention, being that I did not remember him, I did not know who he really was in the industry, it is always better to give more than less, right?  lol

About 2 months into looking for interns and the like, the artist had a photo shoot........if Key (and if it is in my power to be there) is there, I am there too........and I was.........when Key is working, I am more like her back up assistant......I try to keep an intern or two with her at all times to make both of our lives easier.........

At the beginning of the photo shoot for the artist, not too many people from the team were present....now that I think about it, the photo shoot is not a party, it is work......it was a good thing also, I could tell that the artist was in his zone taking pics and posing......nice...real nice work..........

It was getting late and it appeared that the shot would be ending shortly, just as I was thinking that, more team members rolled in...........all of these faces that I don't recall.........all of these hugs and kisses from people I don't remember meeting......well, this is about networking and such........so I went along with it..........

BFF, it was nothing but niggas, niggas, niggas.....and a few women, lolol.....you could tell who were groupies and who weren't..........

All of a sudden this odd looking character come out of no place........carrying a camera........a reading light on his vest and making a lot of noise........almost as if he wanted everyone present to know of his existence........lolol 

I must admit, I silently chuckled to myself as I watched him play fool, cracking jokes, telling stories and making people laugh...........

I did not want to bring any attention to me, as I sat in the back........I had to find out who he is, but I did not want to ask as if I was interested in him......So, I asked Key who this character is.............she told me that the character in question is Terrance..........

What, the same Terrance I have been emailing back and forth regarding interns for his projects, the same Terrance I have been calling "Sir" when he is acting like a straight up ass?  WOW!

Key could not stop laughing........I did not think it was funny at all......I just wanted to go home at this point.......Not because of Terrance but because it was late and I had enough...............

I walked down 5 flights of stairs in order to get to freedom......to get to my damn car......I could not get out of there fast enough......don't get me wrong......I love working with the team, but it was a long and tiring day, it was time for me to go home............

Finally got to the car.....thank you fadda!............sped off towards home.......I got a phone call from Key, asking me to come back to drop some music off to someone in Queens.........cool, no problem.....BFF, of course I turned around............

If I would have known that I was turning around to drive someone home, I would have lied and said I was already at the damn highway......shit.......I really just wanted to have some alone time and take the drive by myself to reflect on the events of the day........damn!

I got back to the shoot location and Key came out to chat with me for a few minutes.............I know she failed to tell me that Terrance would be the person I would be driving home as a favor.....hmmmmm...she knows me all too well.....

So, BFF, Terrance and I got in the car to go back to queens and we started talking........talking about everything and nothing..........I really enjoyed talking to Terrance............we finally made it back to queens and before we knew it, it was after 12 in the morning........wow how times flies when you are really enjoying yourself.

BFF, I started feeling a little uncomfortable at one point, Terrance and I went through the formalities........I told him I did not realize I met him a while ago and all of the time I was sending him emails I had no idea of who he was, lolol...we laughed about that and a few other things.......but as I said, I started to feel uncomfortable.........the conversation swayed to his relationship.....what was going on in it.......how he was feeling..........I am not sure.........not sure what is really going on.....I have been told that I make people feel comfortable......but some of the things that were being said were stuff that close friends share......hmmmm anyway......

BFF, we sat in my car and talked so long, before you knew it, his girlfriend came from around the corner and walked right into his house.......wait, wait a minute.....he just told me that he feels like he needs some space from his girlfriend and she was probably in his house, in his room, in his bed waiting for him..........

BFF, we were sitting in my car, talking.........all of a sudden as he is telling me about his relationship, here she comes around the corner...in real life.........let me tell you how the energy in the car completely changed, the look on his face went from happy to being hit with a ton of bricks.......everything that he thought she was doing that night, that morning was not true.........she was supposed to be in his bed, but she was actually out with Paul drinking, lolol.

I don't mean to laugh, but life is funny.......and this proved to be at the top of the "life is funny list"......BFF, when he turned around and looked at me as she was ascending the stairs to his house, I could see his hand.....I could see and feel the confusion growing in him...he could not decide on whether to roll down the window and say something to her or just let her go and collect himself....I know he was in shock cause I was too....I felt like I had just been cheated on and I don't even have a boyfriend or significant other, lolol....

So, yeah BFF, I looked at him and I could tell that he was devastated....completely crushed....if felt like I witnessed her cheating on him, like I felt everything he felt.......I did not want no parts of this shit no more......he thought she was in the house....she thought he was in the house......I don't wanna be involved.......

The silence that followed was excruciating......I had to break the ice, I had to do something cause it was starting to go from bad to worse, I thought he was going to cry.......I was going to cry and nothing was happening to me, lolol.

I did something that I have never done before....something that I should not have done........BFF, I took his hand and took his energy from him.....now please, don't shake your head....don't think that I am crazy because I am not......I am a conduit.....I am able to feel others emotions, sense their thoughts, sense what is going to happen before it does..........I should have kept my hands to myself............should have never taken his energy.........

As soon as I took his and in mine and closed my eyes, my arm started to throb and my head started to hurt.......I opened my eyes and asked him how he felt.....he told me that his head ache was gone and he felt calmer, but the look in his eyes was no longer sad, it was more like he was intrigued.......like he was curious about me..........

I did not like that look in his eyes at all.....it was kind of creepy.....made me feel really strange........from that point on, Terrance and I spoke damn near every single day.....it went from business talk to I love you talk........yes BFF, I thought it was cute.....real cute to be getting attention from someone, but the attention Terrance was giving me gave me the creeps..........

He started calling and texting at all hours of the night........BFF, I humored that shit, but it started to wear at me.......I stressed that we should not communicate unless it was business.....it was really getting out of hand.....

I heard from Key that he was talking about me, saying that we would be together.....all kinds of untrue shit.......see what was me befriending someone was actually me leading them on.....I had no idea of what role I played in this until Key pointed it out to me....I had no idea that I was just a conquest for Terrance...........

Anyway, we stopped communicating as much..............the interns search did not work out........I found out the true intentions.......I backed off..............

So, after that whole play and production.....after time passed.......Terrance and I saw each other at the photo shoot and then yesterday at the show..............

I tried to stay away from Terrance but being that I was the walking billboard for the record company, Terrance always found a way to be around me and take picture of me and my ass..........Yes, BFF, I had the record label's logo painted to my ass and everywhere I went, there was Terrance on my ass.......

It was so bad, I noticed it....at one point during the day, I was sitting down, away from everyone, away from the crowd and all of a sudden Terrance comes to me and tells me it is time for me to take pics with the team.....lawd.....BFF, it was a fucking zoo......niggas all over the place wanting to take pics of my ass........ok, I knew that the pants would draw attention, but not that kind of attention....it went from taking pics of my ass to wanting to take pics of my tongue rings........THIS SHOW IS NOT MY SHOW!

Ok, when is this gonna be over?  When can I go the fuck home?  I don't think I am fit to be around people all day......I may put on the front like I am a people person, but I need time alone, I need to be away from everyone's energy...........

BFF, I wanted to go home so badly, I hate the camera, I am so fucking camera shy and all damn day, every time I turned around, there goes the fucking camera in Terrance's hand and in my damn face or ass, lol.........

We finally got back to the studio and it was blazin....too many black folks in one small spot...........I had to go downstairs and get some air.............who do I see, of course Terrance.........he was doing his thang, making people laugh......................

Time never seemed to end........the team was supposed to go to a party............organizing black folks is hard......Key was getting pissed......I just wanted to go home and the team members did not know what they wanted to do.........

Key got everyone together to go to the party..............once again, not enough cars so Key drove me to get my car............

Ok BFF, I just knew that every single car was going to be packed.......when I got my car and drove back to the studio............the only person who go in my car was.......you got it......TERRANCE.........

Are you fucking kidding me........why?  What is really going on?

Listen, I don't think Terrance is a bad person......I just don't want to be part of the man game that I think he is playing........the game where he tells his boys about our conversations and plays them like he and I are an item...............

Oh My Goodness, BFF, 3 car loads of people and my car with just two people drove to the Williamsburg bridge in an attempt to make an appearance at the party..........the universe is always in control....your thoughts become things........ALWAYS..........construction on the bridge caused major traffic and we decided to turn around..........I decided to drive home, lolol, well, Terrance and I drove back to Queens happy......................

Please to tell you, BFF, we did not have a long conversation in my parked car cause I wanted to indulge (wink)............I am off tomorrow so I don't have to sleep tonight.............I dropped Terrance off and was on my way..................tomorrow is another day!!!!!!!!!!