I Know Who You Are...........Does She?

36 years on this earth feels like forever... and ever... and ever......as a child (and even now at times) I feel as if I was born to absorb some of the pains of the earth.  BFF, does that make me special?  Live a day in my shoes, feel what I feel, think what I think....hmm, I wonder, sometimes it feels like a curse.....

A curse to feel the intensities that I feel, a curse to give of myself only to be hurt, what the fuck is this thing called "MY LIFE"?

I always knew and felt that there was someone or something looking after me.  I remember going to church as a child and crying, overcome with the "spirit", afraid to do wrong, afraid to question, scared to explore.  Hmm, was that the conditioning that religion wanted to have on me, or could it be something greater that I was too young to see? 

And that brings me to where I am now..........what.....what have I done with this life?  Ohh Lawd please help me, I have tried so hard but to no avail, this pain that I feel never seems to end, never seems to cease.... Why does it haunt me.....like a demon on my back, climbing, scratching, drawing blood until it reaches my kingdom and takes control of my thoughts.

Why do you fucking haunt me so, please just let me go........I loved you, I love you...you know, you knew....All the times my phone rang, I wished it was you.... let me go... set me free.... let me be.....

You moved, you walked away with my heart, you walked away with my world......you shut me out but made sure you left my door ajar.......kept your foot at the baseboard, you know I will always let you in.....no matter what.........what we shared is stronger than what you think you have......who are with......your thoughts of me haunt you, your day dreams, your sleep....

You try to escape what nature can't explain, you occupy your time and thoughts......only to come back to the source.........killing me slowly as you take your course.......your hell on earth is eternal without me.....you put up a front, change your surroundings, the company you keep, only to reach out to me........you seek my love, passion......memories of me haunt you, consume you, vividly playing over in your mind.......how much longer are you going to make yourself suffer.....ohh you like the pain too?

I ask myself why, why did you take so much from me.....walk away.......only to start anew........afraid I know who you are.........afraid I would not just let it be...........

Who you are remains the same......the new people and places are the only things that have changed.  Deep down inside you long for me, while you play the role to appease your fans, lolol, shit don't never change unless you really want it to.

You say you are happy, please tell me how can that be?  You left what we had, move on, said that you grew, lol, but you still call wanting to see me. I know the truth, it is not in your eyes, they lie just like the words that escape mouth.  I know the truth, the hidden messages between your words.  Who do you think you are fooling? If you tell yourself over and over, then you will believe your own words? LOLOL

Your heart is where it is, your mind and desire are with me, so tell me, how happy can you really be? 

Oh, I thought I was in pain, living in regret..........ha.....the old folks always say you never know what you have until you lose it.......is that why you reach out to me, is that why you long for my honey?  Don't answer, your actions tell all. 

Niggas don't neva change..........I know you don't know what I mean......you will one day when you experience what I have..........I love you.....that will never change........nigga or not.........this I just can't explain..........

We are connected, attracted, attached.................but I beg you, please let me go.........set me free.........if I can't have you completely..........you choose your path, while mine is clear........don't ruin my chance to get what you will NEVER have.........

Now, Today

So many things happen during the course of a day...an hour....minute.....second.......

It is our responsibility to figure out what we should give our attention to.......hmmmm......it sounds so easy, but yet, can be so hard..................

My mind runs away with everything........with anything.......I find myself fantasizing about the littlest things..........which turns into big things in my life.....

Currently, I have been single for 6 years........I never thought I would be here, but I am............trying to make sense of this thing called life............sort out my feelings and thoughts...........

I often think about my past.........wondering why the Universe did not work things out the way I wanted it to.............cussing, crying.........depressed because I feel cheated............reading, searching.......looking for the answers that may never come.............why do I feel so empty......so hollow..............

I have been asked, "What is wrong with you?", "You are such a wonderful woman, why are you single?"  I ask myself that question every day I breath.  I have come to the conclusion that I am being prepared, I am being protected, I am blessed....................

But in the meanwhile, I am having so much fun living and being single.... Haha

Which brings me to my secret.........shhhhh........just between you and I, ok?  Pinky swear!

I used to frequent the online dating sites, in hopes to find the my soul mate.  I dated 2 guys I met online. 

The relationship with the first guy, named Marlos (yeah this is not his real name, lol), lasted 4 years.  It ended the way it started, on the Internet.  I found out that he was cheating with several girls........I even contacted a few of them....you know women don't believe what is right before their eyes..............

The second guy from the Internet, named Will (aka the ex), I dated for 5 years.  I just knew we were going to get married.  He treated me like I was mother earth, did all the right things, said all the right things, but he was faking it.  Hmmmm, so very painful when he allowed his true self to come out....he cheated (I saw it, walked right in on the act, lol)...I stayed.....it got worse from that point on............he hurt me....I loved him more.......and the pain continued......it ended with him telling me he needed to man up, lol.  Silly me, even after we parted, we continued to fuck........Nature took its course and we stopped but pieces of my heart remain with him.  He recently contacted me claiming that I am always on his mind............he wants to see me.........vivid memories of us he can't escape......(Really now? Does that sound like something in one of my other blogs? Stay with me now!)..........I guess he went on to the next one......one who does not care that he has no morals, one who, like me, refuses to see who he really is.

Our conversation went from him being in a situation, then having a girlfriend to being married..........all the while he still wanted to fuck me......let me repeat........he moved on to the next one, one who does not care that he has no morals and refuses to see who he really is.............

I am in love with love.  You can hurt me and I will still love you......but, I will not do anything, I WILL NOT DO ANYTHING that will knowingly hurt someone's future or my own.  I know Karma exists and I pride myself and my actions in such a way that I WILL NOT FUCK WITH KARMA!

So, No, no, I did not see him, but I want to so badly.  Just can't seem to shake how I feel......the anger, betrayal, confusion, rejection, love, lust, desire, passion..........How happy can he really be if he is thinking of fucking me?  Honestly, that is a question I should not ask, it is not my problem anymore............(but I still love him, or do I love the idea of him, haha!!!)...............

Let me clarify........I am hurt by Will's actions, he was a major part of my life...helped shape who I am......but I do not hate him or anyone else I write about......my love is an unconditional love, I am simply writing how I feel....something that I really can't explain..........ok now back to it........

After the tragedy/blessing of him breaking up with me, I jumped right back in............feeling even more hollow and empty.............this is too fucking much, too many games........so, I took a break...............there were some questions I needed answers to........questions about my life.............my heart............my thoughts..................I have gotten to the point where I understand me........where I am happy............

So now, I am back on secretly...........same shit, different day....lol... that is how the saying is......this time around.......I am different...........

I must have way too much time on my hands..............I am not doing all I should be doing.....well, I am single so I got time to waste, right?

I met another guy, named Sam, 4 years ago on an Internet dating site.  He and I remain friends....although we have the oddest relationship.........correction.....we are not in a relationship, but we have one, lolol.....what ever that means......

Since Sam is so into the new found thrill a new business venture, I find that he does not really spend as much time with me. I guess that is a good thing cause at times I feel like spending time with him dumbs me down causing me to think that the world starts and ends where ever he is concerned.  They say that people in the ghetto never leave because their world is the ghetto, lol. Sam is my ghetto!

Sam set me straight a few times, telling me his business ventrue is his livelihood and I should not take it lightly. See, according to him, we are so completely different because I know where my next pay check is coming from while he doesn't.  For him, his pay depends on him and the business.  Lol. He must not think he has choices or options. So, instead of hitting my head against the wall like I usually do and end up feeling lonely, I secretly subscribed to those two dating sites and created profiles. 

It has not even been a month and I have received hits. Some came from guys I met when I was an active member before, some new. So far, I met 4 guys.

Why oh why can't I met a guy near my age range who is either getting his stuff together or already got it. Why are these young guys hitting me up?

 I decided to take a different approach this time, not make the same mistakes. I am happy to tell you, I was on the right path. I was and am determined to break the Juicah cycle, lol. Well let me tell you what happened.

The first guy I decided to met, Don, works on 42nd street in the city. We decided to meet for lunch one afternoon. What a pleasant surprise! Don is a big, muscular guy, from the south. He actively plays sports, football and works out every chance he gets (which is almost every day). He got hurt playing football, so when we met he was walking with a cane. That did not matter to me, I really enjoyed chatting and texting him.

When we met, I was very nervous, but his spirit was warm and calming. We walked to a Thai restaurant as we talked. When we got there, we ordered something to eat. Let me mention that he was very gentleman-like, he made sure I walked on the inside of the sidewalk, opened the restaurant door for me, suggested food and drink, hmmm chivalry is not dead, is it? Or could this all be an act?  LOL

After our first meeting/date, we continued to communicate at the same level.  Sporadic texts and phone calls.  Nothing really consistent.  We decided to meet the next day for a quick second just so we could see each other.  I must say, there was an attraction between us that was based on curiosity, nothing more.

Something happened, the ex contacted me wanting to see me to fuck. I won't lie, I still love and miss him but I am too much of a prize, too much of a Queen to give him my honey! He does not deserve it and being that he is married and contacting me to fuck makes it all the more worse. Let me take responsibility for my part in this because I have been participating. You see, it is one thing for him to contact me, it is another thing for him to contact me and I humor him. You got it, I have humored him so much that we set dates to see each other every time he reaches out to me. When the day comes, he never calls or texts and neither do I.  It does not surprise me that he contacts me when new people have come into my life.  Hmmmm!

Our third meeting/date was great, hmmm.  We went to Dave and Busters for some drinks after work.  We both admitted that there was an attraction but being that he is such a gentleman, he wanted to wait and get to know me better.  (Wait for????????) He claimed he did not want to move too fast or get sexual just yet.  You know I was a bit upset, my curiosity was killing me, but I do and did appreciate the fact that no matter what I did or said to him, he did not bend.  Ok, I admit, the old Juicah was bursting out ever so often.

Not sure where this came from but Don came straight out and told me what he thought was going on with me. Ron told me that something was on my mind.  He felt that an ex or something was contacting me and it was disturbing my energy.  Ok, we will go into the energy thing in another blog because it is really deep. During the conversation, he admitted that his ex constantly contacts him. lolol.  Ohh and by the way, I did not believe for one minute that Don felt my energy, I think that he was just playing the game, lolol.  Haha, I play harder!!!!!!!!!! People usually project onto others what is really happening to them!!!!! Growth baby growth, lolol!

I must admit, what I liked about him the most was that he seemed spiritual.  I thought we really enjoyed each other's company. Although Don was attracted to me (so he said), you would think that we would slowly start to communicate more. After the third meeting/date, I have not heard from him. I did reach out to him and he told me that he was sorry for not communicating but he had a lot of stuff on his mind regarding his injury and surgery he was scheduling.  BULLSHIT!!! Come on son! Are you serious? Ok, no big deal, God works in mysterious ways.  I recently sent him a text telling him that I was saddened by his lack of communication and I will not be contacting him anymore.  Guess niggas are taking less time to show their nigganess, lol. 

On to the next!!!! LOL