BFF, I think I started something that I like........I think I might have started something with YumYum (new name for No Name) that I should have never started..........
I can't stop thinking about what he did to me yesterday......thinking about what I let him do.......I wanted him to do.....how he made my fantasy come true...........how he made me feel ever so fucking good.........ohh oh sorry............
Yeah, BFF, what I am going to do, this is just too much for me right now......oh but it feels so good....I don't even remember what happened today.....cause it just did not matter.......the only thing I remember is how YumYum made me and makes me feel............
BFF, we communicated all day........and I loved every single second of it........I can't wait to get home.......I can't wait to see if I can see YumYum...............I could not get him off of my mind today...........mmmmmmm..........BFF, BFF, BFF......I get the feeling the YumYum may cause some good problems in my life..........this is just too much.........
Let me try to get my mind off of YumYum and give you a little insight about me............I am the youngest of 4 girls.........my father was a playa and he never married my mother, but he did stay with her to raise my sister and I (my father was 22 years older than my mother and had 2 daughter before he had my sister and I. The story of my family is crazy, I will tell you in another post, lol).
As a child, I went to elementary and middle school in the same school, as small Lutheran school. I had the same classes every single year with the same students, so the relationships that were formed were very close and very tight......unfortunate for me, I did not form any close relationships with any of my classmates.....let's just say that I was the kid that was picked on......picked on from 3 year olds until 8th grade (damn, all of those years with the same kids, hmmm).
During my school years, I felt that there was something different about me but I guess I was too young to figure out what. Being that I was not popular and I was a target for ridicule, I decided to fight back when I had to and to fight back by being very quiet and getting the best grades that I could.
Wow, looking back, kids can be so cruel.....they teased me about everything, I mean everything...my hair, skin, body, lips, hips, but, chest, grades, teeth, you name it they teased me about it.......they gave me nick names, Bubba Big Lips, Barracuda.....damn, I would just sit there and take it, but my revenge was demonstrated in my solid A average.......I used my anger, sorrow and pain, channeled it and turned it into a mechanism that pushed me to get A's in every subject....my grades were so good that my teachers wanted to skip me every single year........my mother would not let them (she was skipped as a youngster and felt out of place) so I was forced year after year to endure being teased....
One year I was teased so badly about my lips being big that I would hide my lips in my mouth....I did it so much it formed a black ring around my lips, lol. You can laugh because it was funny, but at the time, the teasing and the ring caused me so much pain....so much so that I allowed it to make me feel insecure about my appearance, especially my lips........I started to hate them......hate myself......but I pushed through.....I would not let them see me cry...........
The years rolled on and I developed into a young lady.....well, it did not take long for puberty to knock me down. By third grade my cycle started and I was wearing a bra, great that was something else for them to tease me about.......
Every year it was something different, some other aspect of me that my classmates decided to tease me about.....I got to the point were I thought I was ugly, contemplated killing myself.......
8th grade came around and I was a complete mess.........over the years, the girls in my class dwindled down to 4.......if you recall how it is to be 13, you will recall hormones going wild, that is exactly what was happening with the boys in my class...........
After all of those years of teasing me, causing me to want to die, creating this huge house of insecurity, the teasing turned into adoration and attention..........BFF, I was so confused......the same boys that had been teasing me about everything for 10 years now were giving me attention like I was the only girl on the face of the earth..........could you imagine how confused I was?
At this point, I thought it was a cruel joke they were playing on me right before we went off to high school to see if I was going to finally break down......I repeat kids can be so cruel......I realized that they were not playing a joke, their attention towards me was natural, so to speak, but it did not change the way I felt about myself........the depression and damage already took their course and the new found sexual attention I was getting did not help.
The summer before I went to high school seem to be the worst summer of my life.......I really wanted to kill myself.....my parents were forcing me to go to the same high school my beautiful, popular, cheerleading older sister was going to.......I could have gone to any high school with my grades, but I was forced to go to Jamaica High...............
BFF, I wished and prayed that high school would be an improvement...........hmmmm.....it was..........it was so very different...........changing classes, more people, clichés, clubs.......what is going on?
High school brought on an entirely new army of characters............which confused me even more........it did not help that my sister was very popular in the school and everyone new her baby sister was gonna be a freshman......huge shoes to walk behind............
I was not trying to walk in or behind them....I just wanted to pass my classes and move on to the next level...........
In high school the teasing stopped.......but the sexual advances continued, but this time they were coming from so many new and different guys........it was overwhelming..........confusing.......scary......for 10 years they hated my full African lips...now guys were giving me compliments about them..........sexual innuendos........hints about what they wanted me to do with them, what they thought they felt like...........what is really happening.......
Wow, this new treatment is really messing me up, shaking up what I thought was true. If people tell you something for a long enough period of time, you just might believe it, that is what happened to me for 10 years. I actually thought that my lips were big and ugly, now I am being told something else, I was being told that I was BEAUTIFUL..........imagine.............imagine the confusion........
Everything happens for a reason.........I started loving my lips, looking at them all of the time in secret, making sure they were shiny and soft, but I never let the compliments get to my head or make me cocky.....I remained the quiet girl......the girl that did not want to be seen........
As I grew, over the years, I fell in love with myself........ever so completely......if I were a man, I would fuck me, shit sometimes I wanna fuck myself, lolol. I know, I am too much!!! lolol (Love you, Muah)
