Feel So Blah...................

BFF, so yesterday was supposed to be the day I was to see the "ex".  I guess his wife questioning his "exclusivity" made him...........put off contacting me.  I am in no way boasting or bragging, but let's face it, some people never change and he is one of them.  Don't misunderstand what I write and how I feel.  I do still love him and care for him deeply, but I love me more.  I am not the type of woman who will be involved with a married me, EVER.  I know doing something like that would block me from meeting the my soul's compliment.  I know that doing something like that would destroy me.  No matter how much I humor him and respond to him, I rather die than be a part of what he wants.........He will contact me again.......and the saga continues, with my back facing the past.....................................

BFF, I must admit, I am still hurt, still angry, still confused and yes, I still get sad.  BFF, it baffles me……..why life works the way it does, lol.  Those who do wrong live what appears to be “the good life”, while those who do right, live a life of pain and suffering.  Would I be wrong to wish he suffered the same pains he caused me?  Would I be wrong to hope that he experiences all of the painful emotions that his actions have caused me to experience?  Where would that leave me?  Off of my path to the light…………Whenever we communicate, he talks about his “intentions”, lolol.  What, he intends to fuck me whenever he feels it is real AND remain “happily” married?  Lolol.  How happy can you be if you are married BUT, you often think about fucking someone else, so much so that you reach out to communicate with them?  What I should really be asking is, why is this bullshit even on my mind?  I have to be easy and remember that I am human…….BFF, I do know one thing, I know that it is not up to me to see that what goes around comes around, that is out of my control......I know that karma will have her way............good will come to those who are good, evil will come to those who are evil........I wash my hands and continue to submit to my feelings.............but in the back of my mind, I still wonder why………..

I keep telling myself I am going to go to belly dance class on Saturdays, but it never happens.  I know I should bite the bullet and just go, it would push me to the next level of dancing. Lately, I feel so........blah..........so...............lonely...............so...........blah..............I don't know what I feel...........this is so confusing..............

Not too long ago, I would get colonics every so often........after each colonic, I felt, new, refreshed, replenished with energy.............all of the shit in my life was expelled with the shit cleared out by the colonics.............now that I don't get them that often, I feel............blah..............holding on to the shit like it is who I am...........like my identity is determined by the shit........questioning my life..........questioning the reasons I am where I am.....................questioning why I am.  I know, ultimately, I am in control.............but humanly speaking.......I am but a creature of habit........habits are made to be broken...........hehe...........that's what they say right?

Today I reflect, submit to how I feel, embrace the emotions and let them fade......slowly.......naturally......blah blah blah..............