Alpha Life Trends Celestial Trends - August 31 through September 6th

August 31st through September 6th

Sunday brings Moon to connect with Saturn, to remind you of the commitment to your new direction that is pulling you into unfamiliar territory.  September begins the review of the SEVEN year, as September is a universal SEVEN month.  Looking at all that has transpired becomes a dizzying effect with so many events and happenings.  The Mars retrograde that took over the first seven months of the year kept so many situations in a delayed pattern.  Once Mars turned direct situations could begin to open new doors in preparation for a new life.  With Jupiter moving into Leo a new spark ignited the new pathway lighting the way with creative ideas and optimism.  Finally underway, September will be adding to more of the year than the usual review that occurs in the month.  September 1 Mercury moves into Libra as if to unfold the assessment of situations that occurred while Mars was going back and forth with uncertainty and instability.  Many decisions will come into play as September begins.  New goals and plans are revealed.  These new goals and plans have an impact on the contracts, pacts, treaties and agreements that were put into place while Mars was finishing it’s time in Libra, which will now begin to be revised.  Friday begins the meetings to make the important shifts and changes that are the next step in the process to move forward.     

 

Confusion

Bff......................I want you to see that this is real.....that I am not a figment of your imagination.......my writing is not just something I am making up..................not just something that is make believe................

All of the things that I write about...I actually experience.  I may not be able to express the events in the exact way they happened.  Just know that I am expressing things as how I feel them, how I see them, how they affect me........I'm not saying that my view or feelings are right or wrong........all I am saying is that THEY ARE MINE!!!

Now, I am so fucking confused...............I wanted to know............I wanted answers...........All of my wanting led me to a world of total confusion............

Bff...........I can't seem to keep things from certain people......You being one of them.  I told Will about the readings.....I guess it is confession time for me.........I ended up ordering 4 readings from 4 different "experts" on the Flame subject.......to date.........I received 3 back.  One.....said we were from the same tribe...........the other two said we were twins...........

Ok Bff........I already knew he is my twin..........but what is shaking me up is all of the other things that the other two readings had in it.....Lemme clarify for you. 

Bff.........what the two readings told me was what ever other reading I ever got told me, "Continue on the spiritual path you are on", "Spirit, Heaven and your family are all watching over you, protecting you." Bff, there is more that the reading said, but I just wanted to give you the jest of what EVERY reading told me, even the last 2 I got which were about Twin Flames.......which adds to my confusion......

Adds to my heaviness.....just adds to everything..............

I was stuck in the Twilight Zone........kind of still am there now....I just can't seem to grasp my brain around the fact that everything...........EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING I HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF IS TRUE...................

Not only that..........Bff..............this sheds light on why I feel so intensely..........why I feel so empty with distance..........why I feel directly connected when you are close..........that is just the tip of the iceberg.........

Bff........after I told him.............told him about what I knew..............I thought I would feel relief........but what I actually felt was shock..........disbelief.............and a little bit of a defense........

I am confused..........My soul does not lie..............Spirit does not lie..............Energy does not lie...............

Bff.............I am going to write from Spirit now...........please don't leave me....

I just need to get this out cause I don't want to hold it any longer....
As I type this...I look through teary eyes.....fighting with my Spirit............
We have come so far.................to feel as if we are being pushed down
Down farther than before........in the dark pit................hungry..........scared..........cold and afraid...
Looking up and seeing people just walk by..............as if the hole they are walking over does not exist
That is exactly how I feel..........non existent........lol.........
Sitting here........trying not to type how I really feel
Tossed away..............left overs, lol..............
I just smile............and giggle............for now..............
When I am alone...........I will release the floodgates of my soul
I pray that the waters will wash my pain away..........
This longing that I feel..................does not seem to cease............
When you look in my eyes..............what do you really see..........
Can you feel me right now reaching out to you?
Ohhh Lawd God, Fadda Up in Heaven please help me deal with this eternal pain..........
Cause the few moments you have given me are not enough.........
I am not desperate..........I am not crazy.............
Nor am I obsessed..................I am connected..............forever..........eternally........
I am not running.............I stand strong................
However, I need you..............not just the physical..............we need each other.................
Sometimes I think I am crazy...............saying the same thing to you over and over........
Feeling the same feeling more intensely each time.......
Dying over and over again.........as you smile in the background..............
I wish I could be more like you.............putting my focus on other things............
I can't help but to feel..........so intensely................so deeply........................
You know we are connected...................in a way that can not be explained................
My soul is heavy...................I need you.............Will you ever innerstand?

Bff, I wonder why I even bother to do anything anymore.............I really wish I could explain and express the way I feel without sounding so crazy............I just want my beautiful compliment..............you know what? Fuck it..............................

So fucking confused....................just forget you ever read this post!!!

Something Is Brewing Again...........LOL

Bff, lol..............Ok........this is really not funny..........not at all.

Well, mmmmm..........it is not funny in the "haha" joke funny........Bff, what is brewing is more along the lines of "ahhhhhh haaaaaaaa", "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....sssshhhhiiittttt" type funny, you know what I mean.

If you recall.........I wrote a blog with a similar title in the past.  It was basically saying, in my convoluted style of writing, that I was open to frequencies and I could feel that something or some event (possibly some information or someone) was coming my way.  Sure enough, what ever was brewing did make it my way, lol and guess what?  I survived, lolol.

But Bff, this time, not only is something brewing BUT...............what ever it is..................I think is gonna really put a crazy twist on things...............

What am I talking about? Are you asking yourself that question, Bff?  No worries........you know I will fill you in........................

 

 

Ok, ok sorry.....I just absolutely love Craig David........hehe

 

 

So..............August 25, 2014 we will experience a New Moon...........this is the time of new opportunities, new goals, new newness, all things new, lol.  Yah.............Great right? hmmmmm

 

Read this forecast from Alpha Life Trends and I will point out some things in the forecast that relate to the "BREWIING" I am feelings, lol.

 

"August 17th through August 23rd This week begins with Venus connecting to Jupiter, bringing forward the hope and optimism to share with Jupiter’s enthusiasm. This aspect connecting at 7 Leo sets the pace as the Leo creativity, self expression and imagination opens the door to give you an opportunity to utilize your natural talents in ways you never thought of before. Mercury connects with Neptune as information is integrated into your spiritual blueprints, shifting situations and circumstances. Using your new focus, you will begin to make different choices, emphasizing the changes that point you into the crossroads, moving from one emphasis to another. As information comes streaming into the week, there will continue to be significant changes, veering you forward into your right direction. Saturday brings Moon connecting with both Venus and Jupiter, giving you the vision of things to come, opening up the curtains to allow you to see all that will be unfolding as you walk forward."

 

Ok Bff, calm down.  You may not know or care about this stuff, but just sit back and continue to read....I am gonna bring all of it together, I promise, lolol.

 

Mercury is the planet of communication, travel, it represents coordination, thought processes, ideas, and sensory information from both unconscious and unconscious sources all need to be coordinated and understood. Mercury analyzes, sorts, groups, and makes sense of things.

 

Neptune is the ruling planet of Pisces (Me, I am Pisces, hehe).

 

Bff, reread the part of the forecast that I put in bold............................

 

Get it?

 

OMG.....this shit is so fucking true.............

 

This week, Bff, I did somethings........I really wanted to find out..............I know what the truth is........remember............I know who I am and what I am............I know my feelings....my emotions....my soul does not lie.....................I just wanted outside confirmation (I am still so fucking condition, lol) to solidify what my soul has been telling me.  So I did it Bff, I reach out to more than one and I got one answer..........................and you got it right........

 

Hold on to your fucking undies...................What my soul feels is so fucking correct..................I am in denial right now about it.............that is the reason I am so calm.............I knew it, I fuckin knew it when I started doing research and readin.........

 

Ok sorry Bff, so yah.....I wanted to find out if what I felt, what my soul was telling me was true.  What better way to find out than to go to someone else right? lolol.  I repeat, I went to outside sources for their take and expertise on what my soul was feeling and so far.............my soul is correct........or should I say......the "experts" corroborated what the Source and my soul already told me.

 

I got the information, I got the answer, I got the confirmation.....................Using my new focus (acceptance of what my soul was telling me to be the truth of my situation and the corroboration of outside experts on the subject) I will beginning to make different choices emphasising the the changes (the changes are acceptance of the connection, ohh did I give it away, lol) that point me into the crossroads (whether or not I should share what I did and the results; or whether I should stay focused, knowing that my growth enhances your growth (fuck....I really want to continue to write in codes until I get more information, lol)), moving from one emphasis to another.  

 

Mercury brought me this information............Bff, and this fucking information is all about my spiritual blueprint.  This information will certainly shift my situations and circumstances, lol (no this shit is so not funny lol!)..............

 

Now this is the thing.............Bff...........October will bring the Total Full Moon Lunar Eclipse during the Mercury Retrograde......so basically.............during this energy................and let me be very clear....

 

INFORMATION WILL COME, QUESTIONS ANSWERED, ABLE TO VIEW THINGS AS A WHOLE.....(Full moon)

 

SOMETHING WILL BE HIDDEN OR BLOCK YOUR COMPLETE VIEW OF THINGS.......(Eclipse)

 

THIS IS THE TIME TO "RE" EVERYTHING...RETHINK...REVIEW....RESEARCH.....REDO....REVAMP....RE WHATEVER TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH.............(Mercury Retrograde)

 

How fucking wonderfully chaotically confusing is this October gonna be? LOLOL........

 

Bff..............this don't make now sense.

 

Bff...lemme stop fucking with you and just come right out.....cause I hate when people talk in codes to me.

 

I reached out to a few spiritual advisers for readings.....................Non Yoruban advisers, lol....

I wanted to know about my twin...............I got my answer..............so now I am in fucking the twilight zone.....in a fucking daze..................It all makes sense to me now........HOWEVER...............

 

If I give the information I received to my "twin"..........................

 

Fuck me Bff...........I spilled the fucking beans.............................Ok............if I don't post for a while, it is because I am going into my dark place....I need some time..............I really don't feel well.

 

 



Random Thoughts August 20, 2014

Bff..........been feeling things...................having head aches.............

I have never felt as open as I felt when I was around you..............

Doing research trying to get a better understanding.
I know that I know the truth...........outside confirmation is a programed form of ego confirmation.
It is easier to beLIEve others............much more difficult to go inside and believe what you feel.......

Chest is hurting............please work on your chakras..........I do not expect you to trust what I say.......or how I say I feel......or even what I tell you I am experiencing...I know what I am feeling..........hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Bff.......I have to get back to work......I had to let this out..............

Would it be so terrible?

What is the fucking deal with you? My chest hurts....................what do you feel?

Hmmmm

So Bff….I sat and waited for a response and just when I gave up………….there it was…………

However, while I was waiting……..longing……………dying……………I did some reading on Soul Mates and Twin Flames and this is what I learned:

"Although there are many soul mates you will encounter throughout your life which will resemble the twinflame dynamic, there is only one twin flame. Yet the energetic twinflame dynamic can be present in any loving and healthy spiritual relationship. Any relationship has twinflame potential. But keep in mind that the experiences and signs of a twin flame relationship are never one-sided. 

If you are feeling that someone could be your twin flame but they do not feel the same way then this could be simply an indication of a soulmate relationship. These are still very important relationships that usually involve karma needing to be resolved or lessons to be learned and may be short term or long term. Soulmate relationships often prepare us for the Twinflame connection, whether its meant to occur in the physical or not. 

The twinflame love is not a dependant, selfish, obsessive love. Nor is its sole purpose to be a completely romantic or sexual love. The twinflame connection feels natural and the feelings are mutual, although often a twinflame partner can be unaware on one level or unprepared for the intensity of the connection and the relationship may have issues if the timing is not right or if one partner is not ready. If this is the case then you must let go and let God--let it be what it is for now. 

You are always connected to one another on a soul level no matter what the circumstance may be, and often the timing is not right if there is still much individual inner work that needs to be done. If this is truly your twinflame, a complete reunion will occur when the soul is ready to re-unite and there is nothing that can be done to force this dynamic to occur. Unconditional love and acceptance is at the heart and foundation of a true twinfame connection."  http://www.twinflamesoulmates.com/a-bond-beyond-the-physical.html

Ok Bff……………….. text convo……….both reading on Soul Mates and Twin Flames...…..exchanging sites………questions…….questions……………...………then a sudden………..HAULT……no response………and it is hours…………..ummmmmmmmmm…can anyone say "STAYER"? LOLOL.

Bff…… I am tired……I just came from dance class……..sweat until my green thongs were soaking wet……….I am hungry……….I wanna  keep reading and doing research (NO not on soul mates or twin flames, Bff…..fuck you!!!, lol)……..I wanna write……I wanna vlog……..I want answers to my questions….

After reading the above and so much more…..Bff…..I am convinced that this connection could possibly be a Twin Flame connection………….hmmmmmmmm…….What do you think?

(Bff…..I am exhausted…………..super cooked…………..I surrender…………)

Random Thoughts..........Soul Mates/Twin Flames?

Bff........I am connected to all.....we are connected to all but at time, Bff, I feel disconnected....
At times I feel like if I don't put a label on what I know or what I feel..........then it is not real.......I pray..........Please Ancestors............Orishas, Spirit, Ultimate Create, Source please assist me in learning how not to be and feel so fleshy....please help me to be in this dense heavy world but not be of it as much as I am...I am in pain.........I am hurt.......I am fleshy...............and I do not want to be any longer...........I want to be one with Source............ONE WITH SOURCE (Bff, get me?)

Today........yesterday........everyday.......I think of you...........every day..........I don't want to...........
I can't help it........I wanna vlog this so you can see me........see my energy.........feel what you mean to me.

I reached out and got no response..........feeling left.............like the attention I get only comes when you are not getting what you want from who you are with...................this shit is crazy.......I walked right into it........I ain't blaming you.............I'm just sayin, Bff..............I'm just sayin............

This fucking battle started again........for the invisible throne.........to rule my kingdom..............I know spirit will win...............should I have given in?  DO YOU REMEMBER ME? DO YOU KNOW I AM HERE...........DO YOU EVEN CARE?

How do you think I feel when I reach out to you and you reply hours later?.........days later?............not even paying attention to me.....not replying to to message sent to you........but instead........when you do reply..........its as if for the first time.................

Ok.......no problem............Bff, check this out...........spirit is ALWAYS speaking to me ALWAYS!!!

As I sat in my sorrow, wondering when and if I would ever get a reply (Bff, I sent a text saying: "I want you badly".........no reply.............stay with me.............) I started to do research on esoteric colleges, I am going to get my doctrine in esoteric studies.  Yes.....I will be Dr. Juicah soon........act accordingly! haha.....

So yaa, Bff.....I was doing some research on this one site.  As I was reading the home page, a "Recommendations For You" window popped up at the bottom of the site.  Bff, the site recommended that I view a blog on "Soul Mates who Run, Soul Mates who Stay" and this is what the blog said:

The Soul Mates connection is based on energy, a compatible energy force that takes it cues from each mates vibration output. The quicker we as Soul Mates come to this level of understanding, the sooner we will stop suffering, manipulating and focusing our attention on our soul’s purpose.

The soul mate connection is a Higher level of energy. An energy that most of us are not accustom to working with. It is an extremely powerful connection, especially in the case of Twin Flames, soul mates of the highest order. Most time when we enter this energy, we are still carrying low vibrational beliefs, emotional patterns and behaviors that will serious disrupt the flow of the energy, a ‘fail safety mechanism’ has been incorporated within our bond. This fail safe mechanism is simply a vibrational compatibility connection. This vibrational connection keeps both mates safe from truly damaging the connection with our ignorance and indifference to the sacredness of this gift. This connection works like a puzzle. If the pieces don’t match up, then the puzzle cannot come together as a full picture. The same with this mechanism, if the vibrational energies do not line us, then the mates will be kept apart until the work has been done.

I really wanted to speak on the topic of mates who run, and mates who stay, because it is a concept that mates have a very hard time understanding. To define a ‘stayer’ and a ‘runner’ is simply, one or both mates that run from the connection, and the stayer is the one who is supposedly left or forgotten about. This pattern is not only common, it’s a natural phenomenon, and it’s a rarity to have a pair that immediately accept the energy and understand how to work through the energies intensity right away. So if you are experiencing this in your connection, the last thing you need to be is ashamed or guilty, okay.

The Runner

As I had mentioned in previous articles, the soul mate energy is intense, and it’ sole purpose is to purify the energies within each mate so that we can reach a level of understanding of how to function from the Highest place in love and trust in all of our relationship, and in turn, the mates will become exemplifiers for others to emulate. This goal cannot be reached if we as mates are vibrating from a level of fear. As mates, we have reached a level of spiritual maturity where we have the ability to hold more and more spiritual light. Make no mistake, each mate, no matter what it looks like, have earned this ‘status’, if you will. So, Keesha, you may ask, why does my mate do everything in his or her power to keep me at arm’s length? That’s not spiritual maturity, Keesha?” And you are correct!

In this connection, each of the mates are challenged to address both their individual shortcomings and once they come together, they will learn to work as a unit to flow in greater love. There is a common theme among most runners and these are dealing with issues of the feelings of worthlessness, trust and sometimes addiction. It’s not that the runner does not feel the intensity of love for their mates, in their mid, they believe that they are not ‘ready’ or do not have what it takes to be a viable partner to their mates. So it’s not really their mate that is causing them to run, no, actually most runners have safely placed their mates way up on the ‘untouchable’ pedestal; it’s that they do not trust and love themselves enough.

The runner’s challenge is to take steps in understanding how to love and value themselves. They have to learn to change and release the pain from past relationships and learn to trust and improve their relationship with their non-physical guides. Most runners are capable of achieving this, but oftentimes, it’s the ‘stayer’ that stands in the way.

The Stayer

In my practice, I work with mainly stayers, for obvious reasons. In the stayer’s mind, they are the one left holding the bag, if you will. They believe they are the ones who know exactly what their mate needs to do to get their shit together so that they can carry on with their love fest. When I work with stayers, I often find that they are carrying this unconscious victim mentality. They come across as confident and strong, but when we work in a session, we usually uncover issues of abandonment and trust. We find that their mate’s running, triggers those abandonment issues, issues that they have pushed down years prior to meeting ‘the one’. This triggering of the abandonment issues, sort of compels the stayer to become forceful, manipulative and mistrusting in their dealing with their mate.

Because those who act out the loudest get the most attention, the stayer begins to make it their mission to ‘make’ their mates see the light. They are missing the whole point of the connection. They are not focusing on their own every painful issue that most definitely need to be addressed before anything can happen. Once the stayer begins to work on their own issues, they will be better able to forgive their mates for their irradiate and painful behavior and trust the process of their connection taking form. Until they do, they will continue to grasp at straw in frustration, and become further estranged from the one they love dearly.

In these connections, both the stayer and the runner have psychic and healing abilities, but they cannot be fully tapped into because each mate is either running or acting from an unconscious desperation. Both mates can ease their suffering from this beautiful connection by learning to face their individual fears, and trust the process. Also, do not think you can ‘fool’ this energy into believing you are ready for the coming together, this is an energetic connection, so if the energies don’t fit, you must admit, then acquit!

For the ‘stayers’ there is much work that needs to be done on your part before the reunion with your mate can take place. Remember, the reason why you and your mate are not together is because both of your energies are repelling each other, bot of you still have yet to be in vibrational alignment to receive one another

It is key that as you are in the ‘stayer’ mode, that you not sit around pining for your mates swift return, you must accept that there really is nothing that you can do on the physical realm to bring them back to you swiftly, this process is out of your control. So we must focus on the areas of our lives that we do have control over, areas in our lives that we have been neglecting.

As we are moving with the flow of unconditional love, high spiritual principles and personal responsibility, we are setting a foundation for relationships that promote interdependence and equality within relationship formats. Most of us have not learned how to function interdependently in any type of relationship. We may be accustomed to placing ourselves in either a dominate or subordinate position. With both of these positions being unbalanced and distorted. both positions prevents us the opportunity to be truly empowered, both positions seduces us into a false sense of security. But in truth, we are not secure giving up our personal power for the sake of comfort in a relationship.

This pattern within you must be faced and eliminated before you can reunite with your mate, or you will continuously clash with each other. Some of the areas that you can begin to address or improve:

Your Emotional Well Being: Its always wise to challenge yourself to continuously grow on the emotional level. There are good self help and spiritual growth books out here that you can choose from , there are also spiritually based support groups that can give you the continuous feedback about your development. If you find that the process is so difficult with these methods alone, I strongly advise you to seek out professional help.

Your Financial Responsibilities: How do you handle your finances? What is your financial pattern while in relationships? Do you have a standoffish approach to finances in your relationships in the past and in the present? Do you manipulate people to get money or to take up some of your financial responsibilities?

We are no longer dependent children that can take a carefree approach to getting our needs met, specially financially. When we are weak, irresponsible and neglectful in our financial life, we knowingly and unknowingly place ourselves in a position of dependence, therefore heightening our potential to be a victim. Focusing our energy in organizing our finances is extremely important. Its important for you to handle whatever amount of income that you do receive responsibly, so that the Law of Attraction can work on your behalf to supply you with more money or opportunities to receive more.

Your Physical Well Being: How is your health? Are you doing all that you can to be in optimal health? Are you taking preventative measures to avoid a health crisis? How do you feel about your body or the way you look? Being proactive in our health and self image is also very important. The way we feel and the way we feel about the way we look does determine the level of intimacy in our relationships with ourselves and our mates. So address these issues the best that you can. Write a plan out on paper of your goals, get the appropriate support you need o encourage you through the process and take it all one step at a time, one goal at a time.

Your Spirituality: Continue to make getting in touch with your higher self and higher purpose a daily part of your routine. Learn to listen to your intuitive voice, learn to make courage steps toward your own well being, get out in nature more, and set yourself.ek out a variety of ways to express your creativity. This is a spiritual union, and you must stay focused on your spiritual growth in order to keep the life and health of yourself and your connection with your mate, so it’s best to solidify a routine now that you have this time.

Your time of separation does not have to be filled with pain and suffering; you can take back your personal power and improve your life to the best of your ability. You can become the best person, the best mate you can be by focusing on ways to bring to the connection all of your access.

As an intuitive spiritual life coach, I am free to support you. If you need further assistance, please feel free to schedule a private intuitive consultation with me, so that we can get you started in strengthening up the structures of your life.

In Conclusion

The soul mate connection is indeed a beautiful gift, and has an important purpose, but it’s energy automatically repels lower vibrational thoughts and behaviors from the bond. Bothe runner and the stayer are challenged to address their fears, discover and embrace their strength in order for this connection to properly come together in its own form. Keep doing the work, and trusting that all really is well, I love you all.

Bff, I know that was alot to read, but it is very interesting............and to add to that........Spirit brought this information to me...........for a reason.

This is my deduction of why:   I want to better understand, overstand, inner and outer, extra, intra, overtra....you name is I wanna do it so that I can work more readily with my energy and other energies..........so that I will be able to peacefully manuver throught the waves of this life..........I want to understand the connection I have with Will..............I pray.......constantly......for clarity.............Spirit always answers me........always...............

In my Juicah inner self pity, lol, Bff....this makes sense to me................it makes so much fucking sense. 

Now, that is not say that this message makes everything so much better and I no longer have this longing feeling...........I may not give you all the info but I do not lie and I won't start now.  No, I still feel left out........left behind..........thrown away like waste, chucked in the back a box in the basement until you get bored..........need I go on? lol  I'm human and I don't care what anyone says......I know if the shoe were on the other foot you would feel the same way I do..........you might now admit it, express it or show it, but I have to.  This information does not add to my happy feelings...........but it does shed light on what may be happening on the other end.............it may give an explanation as to the type of connection we share............it just makes sense..........it feels like this is what we are........

You see Bff, people are very strange......very very strange............we live life for others............pretending to live our life for ourselves...........making decisions and acting to fit in.........playing the "social" acceptance game, lolol and sometimes trying to cheat at the game (wink!!! Figure it out, ask me if you like, I am more than happy to let you know what I am talking about, lol)

There are very rare moments when we can be true to and with ourselves, and even fewer where we can and will be true with others............

There are rare moments when you meet a soul and they vibrate with yours.............time passes...........still vibrating together...............things happen.............still vibrating together strong...........we grow up..................still vibrating together stronger..............................

There are so many "truths" to this situation in my life............so many rare moments I have had with myself...........writing this blog and living...............It aint easy.......but it brings about a pure sense of peace..........

And still I check my phone to see if you responded, lol (I am the Stayer)Even if and when I break down and cry.............(because NOW, I often do.........I just wanna touch and kiss you)............

If this information is true.......................when are we going to get our shit together? lol..

I love you...........life is grand!

Sidebar #2.........Right Timing

Bff...........we continue with our Sidebars, lolol.

This is crazy..........Ok....just a reminder...I did not fill you in on what happened in July yet...I think I am going to do a vlog for that because it is a bit much to type out and I really want to make sure that you feel me....got me? Good haha

So...Bff, check out Sidebar #2: "Right timing is another big theme this month and there will be many lessons around trusting right timing as a means to effortless action. (Sidebar #2) "







Bff........let's go back........let me remind you of the following points:

I.      Will and I communicate in April
II.     Will and I meet and shared a kiss
III.    Will and I continue to communicate into June and meet
IV.    Will and I discuss meeting in July (last week)
V.     Higgins' bday is in the last week of July
VI.    Juicah (I) was nervous and was trying to figure out how to escape Higgins on his bday and see
         Will
VII.   Making excuses and praying that Higgins will have to work on his bday, lol so I can see Will

The above quote was so on point I almost lost it.....

For the majority of July....I was trying to figure out how to get out of seein Higgins so that I could spend more time with Will. 

Bff........in no way shape or form did I feel (or do I now) feel badly about Will's current life situation or Higgins.  I don't..........and I don't feel badly because I know that it is more than sex between Will and I.  My soul, my writing, my flesh, my memories, my emotions, my thoughts, my ego and even my heart have very difficult times with this fact.....Why? Why Bff, it is simple but complicated.  LOL.....Osho......knows the truth, lol....

Straight talk Bff, I don't feel badly because (this part is hard for me to admit) even though Will decided to live his life with another........there are some connections that are so strong, so deep, so true, so real, so pure, so spiritual........that no title, no distance, nothing can or will break them...........nothing can or will diminish them.  In my case..........I have this connection with Will......I say this with all the love I have in my soul...........Bff, I do not expect you to understand........I don't expect anyone to understand...........I don't even understand, lolol..........All I know is that the energy that connects he and I together.................is real..............(just gotta find out what it is and what it means)

I worried about how to maximize time with Will......until I gave up...........and when I did..........Bff, the Universal energy worked that shit out and I had no problem, issue or question about anything....

I surrendered to the Universe and allowed it's infinite wisdom to guide me......I fell back and peacefully floated on the Universal ocean of energy for that week and it was pure liberation.........I had an overwhelming sense that everything would work out the way it was supposed to work out (even if things did not go as I would have liked them to go).

Lesson well learned to trust in the Universe..............trust that the Universe will bring me what I need........all a the Right Time!!!

Hidden..................Message from Source

Bff……..I am trying…..trying my hardest to stay connected……….sometimes I just wanna give up……….

I feel like I am the only one trying……..I could be wrong……..I’m just writing this out in hopes to sort it out.

Bff……….I feel like I am a second thought…….a fall back…..lol…….a backup…..hmmmmmmm…..my spirit is strong……..but if just does not want to fight……my egoic thoughts and feelings take control………doubtful….pitiful…….that is not who I am……..I just can’t seem to understand which step was the wrong one on my path………

I was never like this……..no question of my worth…….ha……..Are you kidding me?  Where did I lose track? 

Your words keep repeating…………..like a record skipping……….constantly brainwashing me…….sweetly trying to convince me…………that there is more to it than I see…………my love the mask is killing me…..

Ok I know we said some things……..shared some of our non spoken thoughts………

Wait before I go any further………..something just happened…

I was about to Juichily poetically express what I have been feeling since the last time Will and I touched……..the last time we were one………..the last time our souls made love……..the last time I had Will’s sweetest kiss……….yah……….then we got back to reality……….He went back to his family……….I went back to????????????? Yaa Bff…get what I’m saying?  (No it was not going to be a Juicah pity partah, lol)…….

Ohh ya, so, Bff….I was just about to express what I have been feeling and experiencing and then I got a phone call from……..Source……..yes…Bff…..stay with me and let me explain……….cause at this point……..it is no game….

You see……..or maybe you don’t at the moment, but will very shortly.

I have always made an issue of making decisions………always been indecisive about all of the wrong things….lol.  I did, however, decide that I needed extra guidance in accepting…..owning……….allowing…………releasing………..resting…………in the facts of certain aspects of my life.  Need I mention what I am talking about out right?  Well, guess what? I don’t have a problem doing just that, lol. 

I am still having an issue with the decision that Will made for his life.  Bff…..let me make it clear……Will made a decision he felt was the best for his life!!! No matter how I express my thoughts, feelings, perception or what every…..Understand that I know…it is his life, not mine!!! (but that don’t mean that I gotta like it, lol.  I’m just saying, shit!!, lol)………I still wonder why he did not want to marry me?  He and I had a conversation about this very recently and we both admitted that it would not have worked (I would have destroyed him, lolol.. ahahah..No…it’s a bit difficult to explain, but I am sure I will one day, wink)…….but part of me still thinks that that was just some bull shit………part of me thinks…………….fuck it….What difference does it really make what I think at this point?  The only difference it makes is to me………..hmmm and Bff…..let’s be real…….if it made that much of a difference……….ohh forget it………

So……….I needed help and went to Source…….was laughed at with love……..and I cried a bunch……

Told me what I already knew……..it was clear to me………flesh feeds on feelings………you read my blogs……..I know you see………(lolol….ahahaha. Shit, If I can’t laugh at myself…then there is a huge problem)

When I began writing this……….I was feeling low…….and then Source contacted me……….and reminded my soul……….

To always be present……….observing and true………..but also don’t let others drain light from you…

Not in those exact words……it was in a code……..but when your connected……….Source always knows your load……

That simple phone call…….Source on the other end…….always reminding me…….forever my friend…

Suddenly snapping me out of the fog…….”Mum, I just woke up…….I’m about to clean up after the dog”…..

In the words that were said………the message is not clear………but Source has a way………..of setting you straight my dear….

You may still not understand……. the fog is gone and I can see…………..the message Source is giving to me…

Bff…….if you only knew………the many ways Source comes to you….

Haha………….I am loving this……………..

Sun (my son) and Source………thank you for reminding me!
Bff........stay with me.........this is gonna get fucking crazy...............

Alpha Life August 10 - 16

... Heightened feelings push you to pursue avenues that are calling to you ...

 

This week, August 10th through August 16th, begins with the continuation of the high tide of feelings pushing further upon your shore. The almost Full Moon that emerged on the eastern horizon Saturday evening was full of feelings that continued to heighten feelings on Sunday, in the early afternoon. The Leo/Aquarius connection brings forward the new sense of self-expression. Your unique expression is emerging and integrating with the different people that you are meeting. The feelings and new information that is reaching further on your shore brings in concepts, ideas and different attitudes. This Full Moon is opening up different connections than you have had before and is bringing forward a unique self-expression and new image.

On Tuesday, Venus shifts into Leo. Venus joins Sun, Mercury and Jupiter already grouped together in the sign. Venus brings in harmony and balance, and coordinates efforts to smooth situations that have been in an expansion mode. The creative energy of Leo has been expanding the focus of the new elements of your life as Jupiter opened the Leo door on July 16th. Since that time Sun and Mercury have been expanding the new elements of your life to give you greater self-expression and creative opportunities. Now that Venus has joined the group, a greater ease and enjoyment of the opportunities begins to set a new pace. Tuesday, options emerge that bring in more creativity and heighten the creative ideas that are bubbling to the surface during this time.

Wednesday opens the floodgates for new concepts and ideas that are expanding your focus into new directions. Spilling into your everyday life, you will find different circumstances and events that push and prod the edges of your old life changing into a new look. With a new focus, circumstances and events begin to take on different meanings, giving you the green light to open the doors to a new road.

Friday begin the requests to put all information into an order, sequence of events that will provide the liftoff of the tasks and project that is key to this time. Mercury moving into logical Virgo begins the systematic process to get all aspects in order to move forward into new directions. Unfolding the opportunities of this time, a new pathway is visible that spearheads the creative pursuits that will take you into your rightful direction.

Satori

Bff.........I have not told you what happened during the week of July 28...............what I participated in...........what I experienced.................but I will...............I promise you I will

Let's just say that since that week..........I have been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions..........up and down................all over the place..............

During that week...............I realized that what I had been writing about..........all of the pain I was expressing and how I was expressing it was just a way for me to later realized that I always had that thing I was seeking............lol......Ya..............Bff.............let me say it again.....last week..............I realized that I always had what I was searching for......................

If that is so...............why don't I feel the same today...........was my realization only because of my interaction...........only because of my dilusion............was my realization cause my be wicked fantasy that perhaps somehow you love me...........lol........as I sit here and type this......it is clear to me............Nooo......no it is not clear............I am fucking confused............damn..........

Osho says that the experience is love.......love in its purest form..............
Juicah says.........why does it hurt lol............Could it just be me holding on to my fantasy???.......I ask myself that question again...............and again...........For real Juicah............what did you expect this to turn out to be???..................(I thought you would really connect with me...........remember when I first touched you..............when we sat and I asked you not to tell anyone I could do this?  Remember what you felt...........remember when we shared our souls with one another........remember what our souls feel like as one...................connect with me!!)

Oshos says:

 "Man has three layers: the body, the mind and the soul. So whatsoever you do, you can do in three ways. Either it can be just from the body, or it can be from the mind, or it can be from the soul. Whatsoever you do, any act of yours, can have three qualities. Sex is love through the body; romantic love is sex through the mind; compassion is through the soul. But the energy is the same. Moving in a deeper way, its quality changes, but the energy is the same. Sexuality is possible without any understanding, without any meditation.

Love is possible only with understanding. Compassion is possible only with understanding and meditation, understanding and awareness. Not only do you understand and respect the other person, but you have come to your deepest core of being. Seeing your own deepest core, you have become capable of seeing the deepest core in the other also. Now the other does not exist as a body or a mind; the other exists as a soul. And souls are not separate. Your soul and my soul are one."

If we are one...............why are you there? (No...I am not only talking about your physical body..........go deeper...............into the dark...............feel me there.............connect with me!)

Ok..........Juicah........let's stop the poetic bullshit..........and say what you have to fucking say.

If we agree that what was said is truth....................................Our words, our energies confirmed

You know what??? I am sitting here trying to romanticze some real bullshit...........

Just tell me the fucking truth!!!

The things you said resounate in my head....................
Your riddles try to consume me..................
At night when I lay alone in my bed..................
Spirit bring the truth to me.................

Social masks come at a price..............
A luxury I do not want.............
That is why I question now............
How you act so nonchalant??

Then again.....it could be me....
I am not in your head........
Last week our energies combined...........
In spirit and in bed............

I will admit there are many things about you I don't know..............
Even the things you've shared with me...........
Have me a bit confused........
but sometimes I am slow...........

I keep on going back and forth...........
I bet you do it too...........
I wonder how you really feel............
The internal struggle you go through..........

I will not apologize for the way I feel............
Nor will I say I am sorry................
My writing is simply my appeal..............
Opening my door of satori..........

Flesh is my writing............spirit is the message coming directly from source

I am aware.................We are connected................spirit always knows the truth....lol

BFF..........don't ever get it twisted......................read with an open soul............and you will feel the message (spirite) in my writing...................you will feel the love........the compassion........my want to understand the other side..............my understanding that I do not know what the other side is thinking, feeling or experiencing, lol...........and most of all........the fact that spirit knows your struggle as well as mine.........in the dark....you will see me waiting for you.............

........I am light.........I am love........We are connected.........I love me.........in loving me.....I love you!

Message in a Dream.........

Bff............I want to record my dream........or maybe it was not a dream........

It felt so real.........now in this awake state.........I feel dizzy.......disoriented....Maybe it was not a dream...maybe it was real..........I did feel..........

Before I woke this morning, I found myself in a place where my sister was preparing for marriage....This feels so familiar...I know I have been here before.........

Seeing my sister so happy and full of joy.........constantly talking about what is to come...that special day with her special one.....

As she paused and smiled...........I could feel her bliss.............until she told us who he is........

Stuck..........in shock........trying not to show it..............clouds of confusion.........am I the only one who knows it

Can't be true what she has just said..................cause the man she plans to married just left my bed.....

Looking around to confirm what I know.................everyone staring at my sis...........matching her glow....

Quietly I snuck out the room…………..still perplexed..................looking around in preparation for what's to come next...

Showers of peace reigning over me...........in the near distance..........I looked and could see.........

The man my sister is soon to wed............the same man who has been sleeping in my bed............

Slowly he walks over to me..................while I try to grab hold of some serenity..............

The look in his eyes made it plain to see..............someone is sending a message to me............

Still feeling confused now combined with hurt..............this place feels familiar.....I'm now on alert........

He took my hand and led the way…….to show me things my dream can’t portray……….

Back and forth I saw us go…………….was I watching, was I there……….I really don’t know….

One thing’s for sure………I feel it strong…………..the message will come to me……it won’t be long…

This is the second time around……….I find myself on this familiar ground….

The place where someone connected to me…………..has another life…………perhaps I wasn’t supposed to see?

I wonder why I came back here……..the pain is still present…………but not coupled with my fear

For some strange reason he turns to me……….still holding my hand…….which confuses me……

Looking into my eyes…..he utters no words……..but the feelings I got made me a little disturbed

Vibrating with love……..peace I observed………pain slowing fading……..it sounds a bit absurd

I open my eyes………..flesh feels a little pain………of my second journey to that familiar plane…

Where someone connected to me………is showing me twice……..the same fucking message……..to help improve my life….

I try to calm down……..I want it so bad……….still in a little daze………I picked up my notepad……..

Right knee throbbing………..shaking my head…………body struggling to leave the damn bed…

Not sure of the message………I’ll get is soon………thank you spirit for not allowing me to live a life of doom.

Bff…….I had this dream before….where my boyfriend was getting ready to marry my sister….

But this time around………he wanted me to see things………he kept showing my sister and her preparing for the big day…………he held my hand and it took the pain away…….and then he let me see him too………..and that is when I did not know what to do.

It felt and looked like they were going different ways…………what was the message……what was he trying to say?

Bff……I don’t understand this message.

I got out of bed trying to start my day…………felt spirit heavy………could not hear what it has to say…

Stuck in a daze………moving blindly……….voices surround me………I step lightly….

Breath of fresh air………blows on my neck………a kiss….a touch…..what will come next?

Always sending messages…………that will never change……..stay in the now……..release your pain

Later the message became clear to me………..it took most the day………..but I now more than see

The past is not me……….the future is near……….the present is where you should be my dear!!!!!

Haha!!!! Bff……..I am not only open…….I am observant………I am awake………..I am…..

Timeless........................

Hmmmmmmmmmmm..........Bff........life is not strange at all.  If we were just able to step out of ourselves……step out of this dream and view what it as it really and truly is….Bff……not just for a moment…………if we could hold this view for eternity……….Ohh Bff………..

Fuck……………I am so fucking confused………..I am so fucking just about everything (no…I am not literally fucking everything……….lol, my emotions, thoughts, feelings, energy, frequency, memories, soul feels like it is all over the place).  I would like to think of myself as a person who over the last few years……….has learned from my experiences in such a way that I would not come back to this place………..this fucking void of everything………..but yet full of nothing……..lol………..

Weak…………last week, lol………..Ohh Bff………..it all comes full circle but yet as I sit here at my work desk…..typing this…………..I feel a break in the circle………….Bff…….last week was the most amazing week of my life………the most amazing week I can remember spending while living this life………….I have to fight not thinking about you……not thinking about what we share…….not thinking about how we are connected…………so why do I feel torn apart when you are not near?

Bff………..I did it……….I admit it………AINT SHAMED OF IT…….Dont give a fuck what you think or say………….

I fought it every single step of the way…….with every breath I took………….couldn’t you feel it in my words…….didn’t you hear it in my cries?  No anger, name calling, blaming, cussin or fussin could mask the truth………and now I am weak……after last week…………..fuck…..I’m shook…

Bff……….let me explain because at this point………..it’s a bit insane..

In April…………………..you reached out to me……………oooohh shit, I can’t do this…..it’s too much for me…..Bff……..words are so simple………yet never fully explain…….

In April Will reached out to me……….I was still angry…….still hurt……maybe because I wanted to be……….I tried so hard to put up a fight……….Didn’t back down……….didn’t turn away……..the knot in my tummy twisting and turning tight……….until that faithful day…..

Thought I stood my ground…..chest puffed up in the air……agreed to do a face to face……..sit down for a drink……………..it became harder not to stare ………..with every breath……….it became more difficult to concentrate………..with every blink……my eyelids became heavier…

Was this a dream………you sitting next to me……could I really feel your energy……….please not to close…….it stifles me………..makes me weak……..hard to breath……..

We talk……. make pleasantries………………but all the while……….it’s been festering……..a comment………..a glance………a snicker………..a stare………….as our eyes meet…….we are no longer there……….

Sucked into your energy…………I can’t fight……..I don’t want to……..you have all of me………we have not even touched………but we are so deep…………I feel you in me…….don’t wanna wake up from sleep………..

I get kinda brave…….wanna share with you……..a secret…..a gift………but I have to touch you………….and as our skin meet………..I melt into you………….can you feel it? ………feel me…………..what I feel for you………

My heart skips a beat……….. temperature begins to rise………I have to look away……….have to close my eyes………….

As I concentrate with all my might………….my flesh and soul finally unite

Tighter and tighter I close my eyes……………feeling for the truth………for the soul never lies….

Feeling a tingling move all around……..from my feet to my head…….constantly up and down

Naturally I smile as thoughts of you fade……….slowly opening my eyes………finally getting focus………and to my surprise…..

From the look on your face………….the sparkle in your eyes………not one word did we utter…….our connection did not die……….

Too soon our meeting is over…………we did not want to leave……our connection is timeless…….but there is so much more for us to see….

As we say our goodbyes……….. time stood till…………..I wanted a fix……..just a small little pill….

Your lips invite me……….just one little kiss……..our lips finally meet……….explosion of bliss…………..our tongues do a dance that is not rehearsed……..you hold me closer…….I lose hold of my purse……….

This thing that’s between us…….I thought was a lie…….but just as you kissed me………our souls did not lie………….

What we share is nameless, boundless and true……………our connection is timeless, but you already knew….ahahahah…

Ohhh Danm Bff Will’s kiss……………ahhhhh ohhhhhhhh………….the sweetest kiss EVA……………. HEHE. I can’t wait for more……………………

Alpha Life August 3-9

Alpha Life Trends Forecast

August 2014 Overview

August is universally a SIX* month (in numerology terms), which brings the major shifts from the shifting winds bringing in a different breeze, blowing in a new series of events that activates August. As Mars shifts into Scorpio, stronger actions are spurred by purpose and passion and become the action plan that creates a powerful August. With both Mars and Saturn in Scorpio, there is a powerful drive that heightens the requirements to align action, responsibility, ethics and transparency with the expanding events of Jupiter. The square with Mars and Jupiter on August 1st becomes the line drawn in the sand with events you didn’t even sign up for, but the events activate and push you to jump off the bench and into the game bringing forth the spark of purpose and passion. August 2nd brings Mercury to conjunct with Jupiter, emphasizing the spark of communication that will readily engage in events all through the month. On August 8th, Sun connects with Mercury, which requires you sign on the bottom line with your commitment to pursue your new direction with diligence, purpose and passion. The Full Moon on August 10th emphasizes the Leo/Aquarius sectors, which set your path ablaze with the very elements that get you engaged and activated on a very primal level. As Venus rolls into Leo on August 12th, solutions seem to bubble up to the surface, getting you engaged in the events to become part of the solution and to assist as an integral component to set things right. On August 25th, the New Moon at 2 Virgo also hosts the Mars connection with Saturn, calling forth the action plan for those that are willing to jump off the bench and take responsibility to engage in the game. The call into action yanks at those that have an immediate and personal part to play in the process. Ethics, motives, values and transparency create tall demands, but the call into action cannot go unanswered. You rise to the occasion, with your inner core already engaged, you willingly jump boldly, and with intention to move forward with strength, purpose and passion.



... Writing goals, setting new directions, planning activities, schedules and pursuits ...
 This week, August 3rd through August 9th, begins with information still flowing from Saturday’s connection of Mercury to Jupiter. Mercury has brought information to the surface from the creative efforts sparked by Jupiter’s transition into Leo. Opening the floodgates of information bring in the dynamic opportunities to expand the creative spark of self-expression and resourceful ideas that continue to flow into this week.

Tuesday brings Moon into Sagittarius, pushing you to set new goals and schedules amidst the many activities that seem to increase as the week continues. Wednesday becomes a very full day. Events prompt specific actions, writing goals, setting new directions, planning activities, schedules and pursuits. Thursday activates the agreements that will expand by the addition of new creative pursuits. As activities jump into high gear tapping into the talent pool and seemingly striking gold with being at the right place at the right time to get things moving forward.

Friday Sun conjuncts with Mercury, which requires you sign on the dotted line. A new commitment to providing the tasks, projects and pursuits that have been shifted onto your side of the desk. Friday’s Sun shines the light onto the information that was brought to the forefront by the Mercury conjunct Jupiter aspect on August 2nd. This information opens the door to a new business pursuit with moon in Capricorn the result will be additional responsibilities from the talent and abilities that become visible during this time.

As the nearly Full Moon rises on Saturday evening, a renewed focus of the unique talent and abilities that are rising to the surface. The connection of creative talent, self-expression and being at the right place at the right time brings in a high tide of events that will heighten as the nearly Full Moon rises Saturday evening to become a powerful influence mid-day on the 10th.



August 3rd through August 9th This week heightens the intensity influence carried over from Saturday’s Mercury conjunct Jupiter. New information hitting the upswing brings in a lot of options and opportunities to expand new directions that Jupiter in Leo brought into your environment. On Monday, Moon connects with Saturn, which instigates the desire to set goals into an action plan. Saturn provides the tasks that become stepping-stones moving you forward. As the week evolves the elements of the SIX* influence of August integrates relationships into your work and home environments. Bringing forward harmonious elements for solutions and fixing the situations that have been clamoring for help becomes the main focus as the week progresses. Making important decisions to take on specific tasks and responsibility become the action that spurs you to take on the tasks and walk across the stepping-stones into your new environment. Friday brings Sun to connect with Mercury, handing you the pen to sign on the dotted line as you make an inner and outer commitment to move forward into your right direction. As the almost Full Moon rises at 18 Aquarius/18 Leo, you become aware of the impact of your decisions, knowing that you have promised your dedication to move into your new journey.

Sidebar #1 in Unfolding (July)

Ok Bff……….stay with me……..

I posted an astrology energy forecast for the month of July 2014 entitled, “Unfolding……July 2014)”

My intention with this post (and hopefully future posts like it) is to point out important messages and see how they apply to my life.  I think this is going to be very interesting and it may get a bit scary….as you should be able to tell by now, I am not going to sugar coat anything………I really wanna see (and show you) how we are connected and how we are influenced and can work with life energy…………..So Bff..hold on tight cause here we go:

“Sidebar #1 states:  “This month has the potential to be beautifully inspiring, where we observe how our life is unfolding without any additional effort, and we witness how our choices and changes are influencing what is manifesting for us. Even if you feel that recent changes in your life are not due to your conscious choices, choose the changes anyway and follow the unfolding, choosing every moment to be present and accepting. This is the position of power.(Sidebar #1)“

Let me start out by saying that this can be interpreted in zillions of different ways………I am going to interpret it according to what it has to do with what is going on at my life…….hmmm

So Bff………July has the potential to be beautifully inspiring if I am able to be present and accepting every moment so that I can observe how my life unfolds before me.  According to the text above, even if I do not have control of the changes, (I am gonna take it a step further) even if I have an inkling that the change is wrong….I am to choose it and observe to see what happens.

Bff………..does this sound crazy or what?  Lemme tell you what happened and how I connect it to this………..

My connection with Will………..In April, Will reached out to me………..Will and I continued to communicate through April, into June……..I left this part of, or at least I think I did……..Will and I, ok Juicah……….come on now………..Will fucked the living shit out of me in June…..Since April we have been communicating……..texts, texts, instant messages, and more texts, lol…….causing more and more tension between us.  More sexual tension, more wanting to see each other, more wanting to see if what we share is “timeless”.  So we agreed to see…lol.

We met……we fucked……time passed……we met……..we fucked again………we continued to communicate………..(this happened in June).

He would not be able to see me for a couple of weeks (his religious holiday and his wedding anniversary (the religious holiday was simple to figure out…the wedding anniversary….hmmmm……Listen, back to Sidebar #1, ok lol.) but he would be free the last week in
July and wanted to see me…..

What? Hellz fucking yes………….ohh shit………that is the week of Higgin’s birthday…Fuck Bff, Higgins and I are still together.  I really have to figure out how to end it between he and I.  I don’t really wanna spend his birthday with him but I don’t’ know how to get out of it either.

Hmmm……..how the fuck is this one gonna work out?

So Bff, Of course I told Will I am down………….are you kidding me? 

Wait……..what the fuck am I agreeing to? What the fuck did I already do?  What the fuck did I agree to? (Ummm, I agreed to experience pleasure, live my fantasy, fuck Will cause we enjoy each other on many different levels? Yahhhh haha)

In April when I had a drink with Will, I wanted our connection to be a figment of his imagination……I wanted to feel nothing toward and/or for him.  I prayed that it would not be true……that it would not be there……..that I would not get nervous, I would not feel sick, I would not feel like time stood still when I saw him again in April.  I tried my hardest, Bff, to ignore the gnawing in my gut that arose when I saw him………..my trying did not work.  All of my effort were of no use………..when he kissed me that night………I knew what we share is timeless but I did not want to admit it. (Or at least I thought I knew…..I go back and forth with this for many reason that are obvious (his wife, my life) and not so obvious reasons (memories of what he told me….what he has told me in our recent conversations, what spirit tells me about him)

I had to take it a step further and agree to see him……..agree to be alone with him…….agree to fuck him………(unfolding, haha) AGAIN!

June came, we both came (ahaha) and went….July we have plans again……….and we continue to communicate.....seems like daily (keeping me in my place, reinforcing my wants....breaking down my fears..........strengthening the hold on me........I ain't blind........I choose not to see!)

Now this the retrospection part for me BFF:  I read the horoscope at the beginning of the month, "Sidebar"ed points I thought would be important and posted it. I did not read it again until today and it dawned on me that some of the horoscope relates to what I experienced in July and I wanted to share it with you.……..back to the retrospection, lol...................................I did "allow" for my "choice" of communication, my "choice of allowing and my choice of participating" to bring me to the point where Will and I were making plans to have week fuckfest…………

Bff, you know how I feel about Will...he can have every single sexually transmitted disease, have every highly contagious disease known and unknown to man........I would want to see him, I would still want to kiss him, I would still want to touch him, I would still want us to unite our souls (fuck, lol).............that is how strongly I feel about and towards him (Bff, do you think he feels the same? What a foolish girl I am, lol)

Ohhhhh I could not wait for that week to come.  All month I was nauseous, butterflies in my entire body, I could not eat……..I only found peace in sleeping.  I was so fucking open….it was as if more than my wildest dreams were "UNFOLDING" right in front of me…….telling me they want me……….I could not say no…….I could not resist……..and just the thought of being with him again made me weak…I had no choice……I wanted no choice…I wanted Will…..if only for this one time (I hope not, I am fucked up, lol……Bff, I am using the wrong word when I write fuck………there is so much more to what Will and I share than just fucking, gonna have to find a better word, lol, but for now, I will use Fuck, lol!)…..just let me live out my fantasy with Will………

So Bff, “allowing and observing choices has led me to agree (and let me clarify, I want to) to see Will again……..and again…….and again the last week of July…………(wait……Bff, does that mean…….???)  I ain’t even gonna ask, I don’t want to take this blog into a different subject……let’s just see what happens, let’s see ………….UNFOLDING..........