I Feel A Change-A-Cummin.............

Hey Bff.......How are you doing? 

Today was a quiet day...........so to speak......things have seemed to calm down, but I feel a change-a-cummin, lol........No, it is not really funny...........hmmmm well, nothing major happened today..........it was very peaceful............

Bff, every week I read Alpha Life Trends and every month I print out and read my horoscope from Astrology Zone.......Well, Bff, before even reading either of them...I checked my face book messages and noticed that I received a message from one of my "friends" named Santiago Davis.  Bff, I don't know any Spanish people (well, with the exception of Phil)........without a doubt Bff, every time I get a message from him, I get this strange feeling....

Bff, what is strange about my feeling and this situation with Santiago is that we are not saved as each other's friends, we just write each other every now and then.  He never puts a picture up of himself.........he is always asking about what I am doing in life......some what personal questions..........Now Bff, don't get me wrong......that is how you get to know someone..........but I get a strange feeling that this Santiago person is my ex Will........say what you want Bff, I really don't care......I know what I feel is real......I have learned never to second guess myself........I always felt like he would do what ever he needed to do to make sure that he communicated with me throughout life, by any means...............hmmmmmmmmmmm..............Bff......I get the feeling that he has been thinking of me.....that I have been heavy on his mind.......that he is rethinking his life decisions.........that he regrets some of his actions regarding the way he handled our relationship.............I am just gonna leave this one alone cause after I read the message he sent me, I read Alpha Life Trends.......this is what it said:

... Illuminating your Divine Journey through numerology and astrology ...

... New awareness dissolves old beliefs and opens up new worlds of understanding ...

This week, January 29th through February 4th, begins with Jupiter connecting with the Moon's sensitivities, heightened to perceive the upcoming events. Many situations begin to unfold as Jupiter provides the bridge from January into February. Jupiter is expanding many of the options that appeared in June and July of 2011 and is now creating the right environment for events to expand in a new way.

The emphasis of the SEVEN month of February opens the door to follow the inner directives that are happening at this time. February also accentuates the intuitive connections that provide the grounding information that becomes the details of our way forward. The SEVEN month emphasizes the inner connectivity that reveals the truth of our place on the summit and the new opportunities on the horizon.

On Wednesday, as we get a new month, Venus and Mars align, which brings in a positive, balancing harmony. Venus accentuates resolutions and Mars activates the events needed to bring forward situations that provide the fixes needed. With Mars retrograde, the situations that are activated help to correct many of the situations that occurred during the June/July 2011 months as well as those spotlighted in December.

On Friday Neptune moves into Pisces, where it will be for the next 13 years. This is an important transition and change as Neptune emphasizes the spiritual connection that encompasses our being. Regardless of the beliefs we currently have, the veils that separate the different levels of life will begin to dissolve to reveal all of life. This will generate a new understanding as the perceived separations that create differences in beliefs will begin to melt away. As all of life begins to be visible the different realms and levels of life come discernable.

Neptune's passage into Pisces will become visible in the outer world of technology as cloud computing and the connections that used to be separated will become a more global sense of one-connection.

With February's emphasis on the inner connectivity and spiritual essence along with Neptune's shift, the cocoon of understanding that held our awareness in suspension now unfolds many possibilities for new perceptions. Through our response to this new phase of understanding, more options.

January 29th through February 4^th

This week, January 29th through February 4th, begins with situations presenting fertile soil to plant our new ideas and our new concepts. Seeing situations move into positive directions allow many other opportunities to be revealed letting us know that the time is right to put our ideas forward and the potential for change and optimism return. Mid-week Venus and Mars retrograde provide the options to bring resolutions to the table. These resolutions are ones that we can use as the foundation and put into the gaping holes that seemed to appear making our journey in 2011 challenging. With these resolutions now put into place an even greater array of choices begin to show themselves. Many possibilities come into view with these major adjustments. Mars will be retrograde from January 23rd through April 15th, which will bring forward the corrective measures that seemed to be completely lacking in 2011. But now, they are available and snap together to provide the stepping stones across the untenable terrain that seemed to completely block our journey forward. Friday we herald in a major era change as Neptune shifts into Pisces. This becomes a major backdrop change that brings in the shifting light that pulls us forward into our right direction. So many will not be aware of such an important change because it is not the dramatic change, but the change of light as if shining through the golden clouds show us a new pathway.

So Bff, is this shit exciting or what?

I feel a change a cummin......hehe

Ok This Shit Has Got To Stop.........................(I ain't laughin!)

Bff………I am having such a hard time finding the words to express what is going on at this point…..

Ok, According to Alpha Life Trends:

“January 22nd through January 28th

This week, January 22nd through January 28th, we begin to bring our true goals forward into the reality that is now present with the FIVE year of 2012. Sun connects with Mercury as a way to highlight the choices, decisions and opportunities that are available to us to cross into the threshold of the change, breakthrough and freedom of 2012. Sun and Mercury come into place and present the opportunities with the need to sign on the dotted line as our commitment and way to move forward. The opportunity to come to these exciting decisions takes us into the week with an optimism not felt for the last four years, since the events of 2008. Monday brings in the New Moon and the official beginning of the Year of the Dragon, giving us the chance to bring our talents, capabilities and intentions forward to a new level of expression. The empowerment process comes into play as Mars activates another layer of corrections that are geared to set things right in our journey forward. The new beginnings that come into the week, starting with the Year of the Dragon celebrations, open the door to the changes that were promised last year in 2011 but somehow were unable to manifest into reality. The time has come to walk into this week with the empowerment of a renewed sense of self, renewed sense of purpose and passion. By the end of the week, we will have made such great strides that we see the boldness coming back into our pace and the passion coming back into our expression.”

Bff, it is already Wednesday and I find myself falling back……..succumbing to desires of the flesh…..I am basically following the lead of where ever my sacral chakra (sex chakra) takes me…………

Why the puzzled look on your face Bff?  Hold my hand, let’s eat………(haha!)

I did not write to you yesterday because I followed my sacral chakra and found myself, once again, with YumYum………….Bff, at this point, I could care less what you think (That is not completely true Bff, I just said that cause I wanted to be big and bad, lol.), I feel like I deserve this…………..this thing that YumYum does to my body……….my mind.......the euphoric place he takes me to........

I don’t want to go into details……………but I will tell you that he fucked and sucked me soooooooo damn good…………I got to work 4 minutes early…….lol………(inside joke, I am ALWAYS LATE!)………

So, Bff, now that we are at the table and placed our order, it is time for us to eat…………..(meaning, it is time for us to do some research and learning)…….Are we still holding hands?

According to www.alchemyrealm.com:

“Sex Chakra

The Sex Chakra is located about 2 inches below the navel and is often called the Belly Chakra or the Sacral Chakra. Calling it the Sex Chakra is based on the fact that this word describes its function far better than belly or sacral. Indeed this chakra deals with sexuality which is far more than the process of procreation. The way you interact with others on a social level, your sense of self worth, your expression of creativity and of course your sexuality are all based in this chakra. The female sexual organs are located here; giving her sexuality a more emotional feel than the male’s physically grounded sexuality. As children we are very in touch with the Sex Chakra and are in fact very sensual beings. Extremely creative, imaginative, loving and tactile, children love to touch everything and to hug those they love. They are free in their self expression and in touch with the Lower Self. As the Base Chakra brings the Lower Self's nurturance, safety and security into the body, the Sex Chakra brings in her love, sensuality, enthusiasm, creativity, curiosity and personality.

The Sex Chakra is intimately tied to the Throat Chakra which is linked to the Higher Self's creative impulses and powers. Without the Lower Self's creativity found in the Sex Chakra combined with the Higher Self's creativity found in the Throat Chakra there would be no creation. For material manifestation to occur, a combination or merging is required just like a man and a woman's sexual energy is required to create a baby. It is impossible to be oneself and spontaneously express your true nature without the Sex Chakra being fully awakened and uninhibited.

Unfortunately society’s rules and our parents’ attitudes towards acceptable behavior have often buried the Sex Chakra, and therefore the Lower Self, under emotional and sexual repression. A blocked Sex Chakra can lead a person to be emotionally unbalanced, manipulative, obsessed with sex, scared of sex, lacking in energy, enthusiasm and self-worth. As the Higher Self cannot and will not incarnate into a body with a blocked base chakra it will not incarnate if the Sex Chakra is blocked either. The Lower Self must have free rein of the lower centers of the body with no emotional repression or sexual inhibition for the Higher Self to enter the body. The awakened Base and Sex Chakras give the light body a ground which is essential for its incarnation.

In the physical body the Sex Chakra relates to the female sexual organs, kidneys, bladder, and large intestine.”

 Bff, how was the meal?  Yummy Yummy in my tummy………….

Can you believe it?............it all ties in together……..this is amazing……..everything is happening just as it is supposed to........

You mean to tell me that all of this time I have been struggling with my sexuality (the way I interact with others on a social and personal level, my sense of self worth, my expressions of creativity and how I throw down in my birthday suit, lol) when in reality, my sexuality helps me express and create….helps me to be me?  What the fuck is really going on with the world? 

Bff, this shit gotta stop……….STOP the mind manipulation, STOP the brain washing we have fallen victim to……..WE HAVE TO HUNT FOR THE TRUTH……..

I decided to take my search for understanding deeper……and found out that it is so very true………

Not only do Alpha Life Trends and Alchemy Realm tie into each other......but every other source of information I found about this does also…….do you see?  Are your eyes open? Lolol haha…….

I am so fucking ready!!!!!!!! lol

“... Illuminating your Divine Journey through numerology and astrology ...

... Year of the Dragon empowers your bravery, courage and passion for your new direction ...

This week, January 22nd through January 28th, we begin with the pre-dawn showing on Sunday of Mercury connecting to the sliver of an "almost" New Moon. This brings forward new ideas and information that provides the spark needed to open our eyes to new possibilities. The shift of perspective makes all the difference in the world.

To get out of our rut, realize that all things are possible and to look at our life with new eyes becomes a revelation. As Mercury connects with the almost New Moon, many ideas begin to stream in. Then as the sliver of a Moon fades into the midnight and falls toward the setting horizon the New Moon becomes exact. This becomes the beginning of the Year of the Dragon. New ideas rise on Monday as the strong spiritual connection empowers our new beginnings.

Monday opens the week with ideas beaming into our life, creating a powerful mystique that sets us on our journey. Mars turns retrograde on Monday, which begins the correction process that has a destiny aimed at making adjustments to our journey. Mars first went into Virgo back in November, when changes and transitions of our goals began to shift situations around. Now that Mars is turning retrograde, we will see the next three months provide many corrections to the changes that have already began as we will see major correcting events come into place.

These corrections are all part of the new beginnings that are aligned with the FIVE year of change, breakthrough and freedom. The actions needed to completely break free from the past will occur during the Mars retrograde months (January 23rd through April 15th). These bring the welcomed relief from the chains that have held us to the old issues. Being able to have events occur that break us free becomes very exhilarating and scary at the same time, as change is the inevitable outcome.

With the Year of the Dragon empowering bravery and courage, we become aligned with the inner pull to follow our new directions, listening to the spiritual call as we boldly walk into the sunlight of a new year and embrace freedom.”   This post is from www.alphalifetrends.com

So Bff, today could have been a trying day for me………for so many reason……first it is my ex’s birthday…….yeah…….I know believe me…….but as I keep telling you……I feel like something is happening…….something is coming…….

Now……with that in mind…….I was compelled to check out what Alpha Life Trends had to say…………and I must say, it is going to be quit an interesting week.

Bff, I must say that today was a GREAT DAY……………out of nowhere, I was showered with peace, comfort, excitement and a feeling of unwavering faith that everything single thing in my life and in the lives of those I love (and those who genuinely love me) will be ok………I am not sure where it came from Bff, but I am happy I feel this way…………

I am ready (as Spongebob says)………..I AM SO FUCKING READY!!!!

Realization............It's about to get Crazy!

Bff, Bff, Bff.................everything seems to be moving so fast...........but not out of control, which is a good thing, a really good thing!

This weekend, I did not go to dance class........I basically relaxed, cleaned, cleared and gave..........I really need to do a full mind, body and soul detox......D and I were talking about taking a weeks worth of Bikram Yoga class, but we remain in the thought, lol. I have been thinking of starting to go back for my colonics..........I really need to make an appointment to get this started...........Bff, I know you might not want to hear about colonics and all....I know the thought of it might not sit well with you..........I know, I really do know...........

That leads me to the "BUT" of my statement......But if you would be open enough to experience a colonic, you will undergo a transformation that is not only phyical, but it is also mental and spiritual.........Not only will you be cleaning out old junk from within your organs, you will also clear some of your mental and spiritual junk.  The results that I have experienced from colonics are positively life changing........that is what I am going to do............start my colonic sessions again................

For some time.....I have felt like I was missing something......or missing out on something.....or not doing something I should be doing.  I feel like I am not where I am supposed to be, even though I know that I am...I get this feeling that there is something great and wonderfully powerful and beneficial coming my way.....I just have to stay focused...or should I say.....get back on track and stop being pulled into the bullshit........

Don't get me wrong Bff, I love this life.........but at the same time.........I have this  underlying feeling that I am more......more than this..........that there are things in me that are great.....beyond great............I want to develop........to grow.......to learn.........to understand............I want...........

My perpetual lust for the development of the powers I know are in me has brought me to the point where I know I have to make a change......change in the way I behave.....change in the way I think.........change in the way I speak..............I was programmed..........I feel myself corrupting the programing............little by little.......Bff, do you feel it to?

Realization should always be preceived in a good way............Realization is the stage that I am at now and I feel...........feel like I am lost but I have a good sense of the way, lol.........this feels great.........gotta get movin........

Bff, come with me, hold my hand, hug me and hold tight........shit is about to get CRAZAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great Gugga Mugga!

Listen, things are moving faster than I expect....not only that, but Alpha Life Trends don't neva lie.........

Remember last year.......when I bumped into Phil? Couldn't remember who he was and when I finally did, I wanted to kill myself, lol......Well, since then, we have spoken.......several times...........

There is so much I did not know about him.....what he was doing with his life......what he was about.......Bff, basically I did not know anything about Phil when we were dealing with each other years ago.....all I knew was, when he called.....I went.........

It got to the point that I decided to avoid him.........for many reasons.........one of the main reasons being, and don't you dare laugh, his dick was WAY TOO BIG!   

Ok, ok, calm the fuck down.......that shit ain't that funny....but it was humongous..........Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THE BIG DICK, but at the time, I did not know what I was getting myself into........well, I figured it out when I would go home looking like I came from The Planet of The Apes, lol...................

Now let's rewind and be kind.............

When I bumped into Phil last year in the train station, I was overcome with shock...............That very morning, I convinced myself that there were no more.......no correction....I ALMOST convinced myself that I would never see a fine ass black man in person.....the closest I would get would be a picture or magazine, lolol...........

Then, in all of my sorrow and self pity, I bumped into Phil.......now check this out......when it happened, I knew I knew him but could not for the life of me remember how and where I knew him from......Bff, it gets better.......

When I finally remembered who he was, after a few weeks of persistently trying to remember, I wanted to end it all and take my life, again, lol............all of the memories of him came in like a flood.......how the hell could I forget him...........Ahhhhh.....cause he was too much for me.............and then some!

The universe is ALWAYS working in your favor Bff........you can get your every desire as long as it involves love and you want it with all of the power and emotion you can muster into your want of it (if you can understand what that means, lol).............

After I realized and remembered him, I wanted to contact this man so badly............all I did was think about him.......think about talking to him.......think about touching him......think about laughing with him........Guess what? It worked, it worked, it worked, it worked......it happened............the Universe is love.............he got my phone number and started to call me......that is when I started to recall more of him...........

He was not overbearing with the phone calls or conversation........I was just feeling bad........it got to a point, at the end of last year, that he reached out to me a few times and I was unable to respond...not because I was busy with someone else, but because I was busy.......busy with life.........and all of the bullshit I get myself into..............

Every time he called, I told myself to make sure to returned his call..........superficiality (ahahhaha) took control and there was nothing more important than me giving all of my attention and energy to that which did not matter (hint, Sam, lol!)

So yesterday, Friday, at the end of the day, I got a call from Phil.........he wanted to know if I was going to kidnap him today........Ok Bff, so that you will know what he is referring to....I am not sure if I told you or not, but when I spoke to Phil, I told him that I was going to kidnap him..........have my way with him.......enjoy him as long as my little heart desired........Needless to say, he could not wait...........but the thing is........it can't happen on his terms.....It just has to happen (well, I will be planning it, lol since it is my kidnapping, haha).........Yesterday when he called, I really just wanted to rest.......relax...take some time to write and read......ohh yeah and do music business...lol

I did not expect Phil to suggest that we see each other........I did not expect him to sound so............so......desperate to be around........fuck it.....desperate to get out.....to taste his freedom..........

Oblivious to his wants, when I finally got the message that he wanted to spend alone time with me, I was stuck........for the first time in a long time, I wanted to spend time with a male and did not want sex.........I did not have the butterflies.......did not start to get the tinglies.....nothing....I actually wanted to make a non-sexual connection with him........Damn I felt good!

During our short conversation, we agreed to meet and then take it from there............Bff, we agree to meet and then go to get a room............a room..............the thought of a room......being alone with him started to........bother me, a little............

I did not want to create the atmosphere whereby I would be tempted to attack him........but spending a platonic evening out with him sounded so relaxing and peaceful.........You see Bff, he and I used to spend time like that together, just cuddling, talking and enjoying each other's company, but then, there were other times when we went in, fucking breaking all of my damn bones..............grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The site of this man makes every cell in my body explode......he is the epitome of "PLEASE, FUCK ME!", lol!

He has a golden caramel completion, muscular tattooed body, strong large hands, kissable plump lips, a nice shapely ass and the mega dick of life!!!!!!!!Why wouldn't I wanna fuck him again? LOL. Why, Bff, I don't know why, but that was not the feeling I was getting.........not that "fuck me" feeling.......I really just wanted to chill and I got the feeling, from our conversation, that he wanted the same................

We got off of the phone, after confirming our plans, and I got to work getting ready, just so I could be on time (for a change, lol).  It worked..........

We were to meet and then drive to get the room..............As I was waiting for him to arrive, I started to get the nauseous butterflies...........Bff, those are the butterflies I get when I am uncontrollably nervous...........in anticipation of pleasure nervous...........I tried to calm down........Lemme get some fresh air.....damn it is cold, lol.........Lemme try to think about something else.........fuck, that didn't work......every guy that passed me resembled him, or so I thought.......I just wanted to gaze at him............breath girl breath!

When he finally arrived, I damn near vomited in my mouth, I was so nervous........Great Gugga Mugga, his fine ass had me fucking waiting in the background, checking him out as he looked for me..........I am a mess, lol.

We quickly walked to my car as he explained to me that he is Puerto Rican..............Bff......all of this time I am thinking that this scrumptous specimen of a man is the original black man and he is PUERTO RICAN!!!!!!!!  I can't, I just can't..................what the fuck is really going on?

It just so happens that he is a descendant of one of the original Puerto Rican tribes.....As we drove to the spot, he told me his family's history.......amazing.......All of this time I was wrong.........WOW!!!!!!!!!

I had a very hard time not touching him as we drove..........had an even harder time trying not to look at him......hmmmmmmmmm thank goodness we are programmed to believe that we cannot read minds.......for if we were, he would have known all of the nasty things I wanted to do to him...he would have known that my pussy was getting wet just thinking about kissing him..........shame, shame, shame..................

Before we knew it, thanks to great conversation and company, we got to our destination in no time........but the butterflies have grown to mammoth size and were pushin on all of my organs............

Finally, we are together, alone and in private...........this is too much.....I had to run to the bathroom, splash water on my face and try my darnest to control myself...........Not sure if it worked.

We got ourselves situation and oddly but pleasing to me (for some reason I am under the impression that men tend to not change with time...meaning, when meeting again with a man from your past, he will pick up from when he last communicated with you, not taking into consideration that things have happened since then, lol...Just my perception, not the truth!), it seems that we picked up right where we left off............talking and having fun...........

Ok Bff, we had a bottle, some water, great convo and company......what more could we ask for?

I really did not want to start to think.........wonder............question......what it would be like to be intertwined in the dance of romance with him.........no, not at this time...........we were having so much fun together........

He poured our drinks and admitted that it would be the first time in 11 years that he has had a drink.......WOWOWOWOWOW!  11 years........hmmmmm...

I could not keep my eyes off of him........his features are so pleasing and appealing.......ohhhhh fighting the feelings that were growing inside of me was one of the hardest things to do............but, he made it easy by being such a well rounded and easy to have fun with individual........it did not take long for me to lose the edge I felt...........

Bff, we were having such a good time.....the drinks got stronger and the conversation was getting better and more insightful.......we found ourselves laughing so hard our stomachs hurt us......

Our conversation found its way to the bed, oddly, I still felt my peacefully wild butterflies, lol......does this mean that it is possible for a male and female to hang out without sexual tension or action on sexual tension?  Hmmmm, so far, that is what it seemed like.

But in the back of my mind, all I could think about was what his kiss was like after all of this time, what his touch felt like, what he felt like.........trying not to let my thoughts get the best of me, we decided to watch a movie..........just like back in the days.........haha!

Ohh let me rewind, after the first two drinks, he made a huge mistake.........he took off his sweater and shirt.....the alcohol was making his sexy body temperature rise and he did not want to start sweating without doing anything, lol....I just added that part.....but seriously, he did not want to start sweating, but he wanted to remain comfortable........We continued our conversation and he had no problem taking my shoes off in an attempt to make me a little more comfortable.......that reminds me, lol.........

That is when I got the chance....the real chance.....up close and personal chance........live and direct chance to see his incredible fucking physique...........Lawd Aves Murcy, Bff, this man.....hmmmmmmm...............I started to feel the damn devil within, as my eyes scrutinized every single inch of his delicious looking body.......fuck.........to add fuel to the forest fire, he laid down next to me..............I felt my heart jump out of my ding dong chest and hit the fucking floor, going back into me and then bouncing off the ceiling!  I hope I wasn't trembling......trembling is bad, really bad!

I cannot begin to tell you what was going on in my mind, too many things to be able to hone in on one of them..........and all of them pertained to him.............

I wanted to touch him so badly...........but I did not want him to know that I wanted to, hehe, silly me.......He mentioned earlier that he started working out again....working out hard......which caused his body to be tight and sore.............perfect, this gave me the perfect opportunity to offer a rub down...........offer I did............and he accepted..........

In my mind, I said, "take your fucking shirt off and come over here Daddy!", but what really came out of my mouth was, "You might want to take off your shirt", lol.........listen Bff, I am trying to behave....trying is the operative word........

He took off his wife beater and the gates of heaven opened up before my eyes.......I hope he did not see me bite my lips in an attempt to keep from drooling...........damn, damn, damn, he is fine!

I hope he did not feel my hands or body shaking...............I hope he enjoyed the message as much as I did.......I hope I get to touch his body again...........I could not even concentrate properly........my hands all over his big strong back, shoulders, neck and arms............sadistic thoughts running through my head of all of the things I want to do with him.........the mere thought of what his body felt like against mine made me cream a little on my thongs.....Ok, I gotta stop this shit...............I didn't want to stop...........hmmmmm he felt so good......................

Ok girl, enough, you are enjoying this too much…… I wanted to jump on it…….jump on him, but more than anything, I wanted to savor all of him.......I wanted to tease myself.......I wanted to fully enjoy him and all of his yummy goodness.............

We laid back down, I tried to compose myself and talk while sporadically watch the movie.  I feel his hand movin up and down the back of my leg.....I tried not to get to excited, but his touch sent me to another place! 

In a feeble attempt to act like his touch had no effect on me, I allowed words to just come out of my mouth......not too sure if they had anything to do with our conversation, his touch was so powerfully intoxicating my world was spinning out of control.............

I must have been bouncing off of the ceiling, my chest was pounding so hard.....I moved his hand from my leg and put it on my chest......I wanted him to feel my heart pounding....wanted him to feel the effect he had on me without even doing anything.....or should I say, some of the effect he had on me with just one touch!  But even touching his hand made me weak........to make matters worse, I was moving his hand to my breast.......Ohh I wanted to tell him right then and there to fuck me at will, lol...........I know, I am losing it..............

His touch turned into a caress.....caress turned into a tug.........tug turned into a pull........pull turned into a grasp.........turned into a kiss...............which lead to the memory of him becoming my reality......in the now......he was with me.........

Bff, for me, it is very rare to be with a guy who knows how to kiss, touch me and fuck.......that is very rare....do I have to even say that Phil was able to do all there and then some?

His kiss sent me on a trip to euphoria, not sure if I returned to earth, lol.........Ohh Bff, Phil kissed me with such passion, I think I slipped........I must be in a lucid dream........I know I am not astral projecting or am I........Ohh his kiss...his hands all over my body........gave me the charge of life I needed! 

Oh his smooth soft skin enveloped me and sent me into a frenzy......I couldn't take it anymore.........I had to.........curiosity.........I want to........fuck it.......as we kiss, embraced, felt, touched, took off, tossed to the side, explored.........bare, raw and wanted so much more, I could no longer tease myself……I wanted it…..it was right in my reach…….calling me….taunting me……..curiosity……..desire……got a strong hold of me and instinctively my hands found on their way to his dickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk..............................WHAT THE FUCK? I quickly retracted my hands, looked at him and we both went from serious to hysterically laughing..............I forgot.....I really forgot..........Bff, Phil's dick is so fucking HUGE, all I could do was move my hands away and laugh at myself............GREAT FUCKING GUGGA MUGGA!!!!!! NIGGA PUNISH ME! BREAK THIS PUSSY!

Bff, that's it, that is it, that is it, that is it............animal instinct came into play........we started kissing again, as my hands explored the canvas of his body, slowly moving over every nook and cranny..........as if I was blind, I allow my hand to read his read his body…….with pleasure my mouth following……my big soft lips kissing his strong chest……..my wet tongue playing with his nipples, sliding down his stomach to finally taste is big beautiful dick........

It is not too often I feel like this or are even able to admit it.....I wanted to suck his dick so badly.......I was drooling as my mouth got closer and closer to it..........Oh shit Bff, his dick is so big and delicious........Please, please please let me be able to suck and fuck Phil again................He filled my entire mouth and then some.......his dick is so long and fat, so big and round.......if I am lucky enough to have the pleasure of being with him again, and again, and again......no matter how many times.......I will never get used to it...........gimme gimme......fuckin gimme............

I know he loved the way my fat lips and wet tongue felt on his massive dick.......I just know it........for after some time, he flipped me on my back and went to town on my pussy.........Listen, I can't find English words good enough to describe the bliss and ecstasy I felt as we fucked.........Bff, it was not only his dick, it was everything.........EVERYTHING..........(but the dick is huge, lol and yummy!)...........

I swear I think I was having a heart attack, that shit felt so good........his dick pounding my pussy making it wetter and wetter with each thrust!!!!!!! This can't be real, I know I am dead.........nothing in life can feel this good and be real, right?  WRONG! PHIL does, lol!

I don't even know how long we were fucking....all I know is he felt like total and complete bliss.........it was out of control how he handled my body, how he took control of me...........I think he knew.....he must have known.........cause he said, "Say it".  At first, I tried to pretend I did not know or realize what he was saying.....he felt so good I couldn't think straight.  "Say it", he said again, this time with more authority.......mmmm a strong, powerful and stern man is such a fucking turn on........"Say it", he damn near yelled at me...................."FUCK ME!", "PLEASE, PLEASE FUCK ME", I damn near screamed.........resisting him is futile for me.......................................

Trying to........take control

In an attempt to behave.....in an attempt to grow........I played the hand that was dealt to me today and did my best not to see YumYum..........

Like yesterday, all we did was sexually tease each other with texts..............he can't wait to..........I love the way he............he couldn't believe it felt like..........we both want more of................it's like we are Energizer Bunnies on crack and steroids.............I will admit....I am a YumYum Sex Fiend............just don't tell no body..............lol

Wow, how the week is turning out.......I see so many pleasurable possibilities ahead of me, lol............I just gotta stay away from YumYum............(my eyes rolling in the back of my head, I was suddenly overcome with memories of what he does to my body)...........

Today was a good day........in the grand scheme of things..............I continue my reading...........mantras and stay the path...................Control..............it is all about Control............

Decisions.....Decisions

So Bff, yesterday was a quiet day.......I did not do much....watch some TV, rested.......reflected........Are we living the dream?

I have been doing an immense amount of reading about the change that will happen this year......the change in consciousness...............ahaha........the media really has the masses thinking that it is a doomsday thing........like Y2K.....lawd, I flipped the fuck out when I heard about Y2K, lol.....I went absolutely crazy......stopped paying my bills, started stashing and hiding money in the house, stock piling groceries and non perishables, had my son's father come stay with us for a week, was in the process of getting attack dogs and a barbed wire fence around the house........I was so brainwashed Bff, it was sad!!!!!!! I am so happy I woke up and am still waking up...........hope you are too!!!!!!

This thing with YumYum is.........so fucking pleasurable I don't know if I WANT TO STOP! I go back and forth with him all of the time.....I love the way he makes my body feel......I hate the guilt associate with the feelings he give me........I know when we are around each other, I have him going in all directions at once.....while at the same time, making sure that he is in the same place..........

Someone told me, "It gets better with time", that was not a lie......I swear Bff, every time I am with YumYum, it just gets better and better.......never in my wildest dreams (which are actually reality) did I ever think I would feel these pleasures.............wait, wait a minute Bff, pleasure is not the right word..........

I have gotten to the point where I sit at work, thinking about this man eating my fat juicy pussy.......what the fuck is really going on?

I slyly smile, the smile of shame when I think of him........but it is not only his oral skills, his dick skills are equally intense......I don't know which I love and want more, shameful for me to admit...............

Bff, I know this has to end............this shit can't continue to go on........

All day, all we did was go back and forth fucking and suckin..............Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!  I gotta do this................I can't continue to feed my addiction..........some thing's gotta give..............

I gotta make some executive decisions........Decisions..........Decisions.........ohh this is gonna cause me to scream!!!!!! What to do, what to do?  Bff, I am pulling out my hair over this................

Gotta grow the fuck up..........make a decision and stick with it........

Why does it seem like the things that bring the most physical pleasure are always the worst things for you?

Martin Luther King, Jr., (January 15, 1929-April 4, 1968)

From 1986, dedicated to Martin Luther King. Song by King Dream Chorus and Holiday Crew. Also starring El DeBarge, Fat Boys, Full Force, Grandmaster Melle Mel, Kurtis Blow, Stacy Lattisaw, Lisa Lisa, Teena Marie, Menudo, Stephanie Mills, New Edition, Run-D.M.C., James "J.T." Taylor and Whodini.

Lyrics:

Once a year we celebrate
Washington and Lincoln on their birthdates
And now a third name is added to the list
A man of peace, "Drum Major for justice"
Now every January on the third Monday
We pay homage to the man who paved the way
For Freedom, Justice and Equality
To make the world a better place for you and me
It's a holiday! It's a gathering!
For the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King!

Chorus:Dr. King tried to love somebody
Do you wanna love somebody?
For his sake put your hate away, take a day...
Take a day to love somebody
Don't play on the Holiday, work to find a better way
Everybody love somebody
Everybody sing for Martin Luther King
Let freedom ring for Martin Luther King!

Holiday! Holiday! King Holiday!
Not a day just for some
It's a day for everyone
He had a dream now it's up to you
He had a dream now it's up to you
To see it through, To make it come true!

Who do we thank for teaching us
That we all have the strength to love?
we thank the Prince of Non-Violence for
showing um the way

How do we show the children of today?
How do live together at one?
We'll sing of a King
And his words will light all of our tomorrows

Chorus:Listen children of today
Don't think love has gone away
It's in your hearts and minds
How long?
Not long?
New day will shine, if we just take the chance
His love will glow
Open up the windows!

Let the hero shine
Every day in your life
Yours and mine
Everybody shine
Let it shine, let it shine
For the future generation, Dr. King's medication
For successful operation, is peace for every nation!

Sing! Celebrate!
Sing! Sing! Celebrate!
For a King Celebrate!
Sing! Sing! Celebrate!

I believe......something's goin on......

January 15th through January 21st
This week, January 15th through January 21st, we begin to bring the events of the new year to see that with the many shifts and changes that have already occurred, we can begin to revise our goals and directions that will allow us to make the choices needed now that we are at the summit. With the view of the additional options we see that our concepts of life have changed and our way forward looks surprisingly different than it did just a few weeks ago. Mid week we begin to see our life with a different perspective that grants us a way to see situations differently. Late Wednesday we begin to put together some ideas and by Friday we set these new goals into action. Sun moves into Aquarius on Friday, which brings in a way to see our journey through the bigger picture. This somehow dissolves the veils of old concepts and shows us the possibilities that we hadn't seen before. We spend the weekend putting the pen to the paper and drafting our agreements and goals that we will bring into next week to begin a new and unveil them as our journey that begins the Year of the Dragon!

Wow, that was a lot to digest.....Alpha Life Trends is preachin the good word of the week Bff, pass the good word along............lol

So, according to this passage, things will be opening up for me (US) to change and have a different view of things in my life and beyond, enabling me (US) to have a broader view of all of the possible roads we can take.....Interesting, very interesting Bff...........

Isn't that wonderful? The possibilities of what is to come are beyond infinite...........do you feel a change or is it just me?

This weekend was slow, I was tired...........I was supposed to go to a meet and greet yesterday, but I decided to stay home and relax..........do a little reading......mentally and spiritually prepare myself for the coming week........

Friday............Friday is supposed to be a good day, according to Alpha Life Trends...........something is going to open up which will allow me (US) to see things from a broader more vast view.............I could not even begin to imagine what is in store.........I do believe..........that something is goin on..........

Stay with me and see.............

Bad Habits..........

So Bff, remember I told you I was going to be more spiritual than worldly, right?  You remember that conversation we had, lol.  Well, the world is weighing down on me, trying to make me carry it......trying to make me be all up around and in it.....I don't want to right now..........I have other things on my agenda........

One, being, developing my psychic powers...........Go ahead Bff, laugh all you want......I guarantee that once I have gotten started developing them......you will see the drastic change and want to change also......ahaha!

So, Bff, things remain the same.  Sam insists on contacting me with the same sob story.......Yet, I still have not seen the money...............but it is very ironic that he makes sure that he does not let 3 days go by without contacting me to explain or tell me some other sob story.  Ohh Ohh, the new thing is that is favorite uncle died........the uncle that had the ability to keep the family together......now that he is gone, it is going to be a bad year for Sam.....booohoooo!!!!!!!!!!Today the story is he is making life decisions and he is broke.......but he will give me $200 after his car not gets paid............lol..............

So since it is Friday (or should I say, I am writing this about yesterday) and I have no date or plans..........before I decided to really act on my words, you know......me being less worldly, I went to hang out with .........correction......meet and hang out with a guy I have been chatting with on Facebook and the phone.  I met him in a virtual chat room created on Facebook. 

As usual, our conversations have been very very pleasing.......it SEEMS as though we have some things in common....isn't that always the case?  Hmm.....well, it was until I asked him if he was a felon and he replied in the affirmative.  He even went on to tell me a story about how a girl told him that she could not date him because he was a felon.  He got upset and told her not to judge him.

Bff, I completely understand where he is coming from.......I really do......but the fact of the matter is.............no matter what reason you have a felony............YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO GET A JOB..............no one is going to want to consider the reason behind why you have a felony...........they will not be able to get over the fact that you have one, much less be open enough to consider the reason you have one when considering you for employment................Let's face it.......we have not grown as humans!
And if by chance you are lucky enough to get employment....you still have to deal with how society "stereotypes" you!
Lucky for me, he and I were not at the level of talking about dating..............we never even met each other.................so, I agreed to meet him at his house so we could get better acquainted..................No Bff, not like sexually better acquaint ourselves, it was more on the lines of us being about to talk and vibe in person instead of over the phone............an added bonus is the face that both he and I smoke.............Yay!

I figured that since we were not going out any place and it was Friday, I could take my time and clean a little when I got home.............that is exactly what I did............no sense in me rushing and getting all hyper and excited............shit............if he did not think much of taking me out.......I am not going to think much of his time..........I am going to take my time and make sure everything is the way I like it on my side so I don't have much to do tomorrow or for the rest of the weekend, lol.....................

The day did not take long to end......I guess because I was not really excited about tonight............well, not like I have been excited about meeting other people........I got home at a decent time.......decent enough for me to clean, take a nice warm shower, eat, and get ready to leave..............I didn't really want to make a big deal out of anything, so I wore my little black house dress and black knee high boots......it was cold out and I wanted to look cute but warm, hehe.........

Instead of giving me his address, let's just call him Gov, Gov wanted to direct me as I was driving..........let me mention that a few days before we agreed to this type of meeting, he started to speak as if we fell in love with each other...........sending me messages saying that he just knows I am going to be his, he just feels something about me that he has never felt about or with anyone else.........Yeah, ok buddy..............The Dog Whisperer teaches that it is acceptable to ignore the unwanted behavior in dogs and they will stop........how long do I have to ignore these remarks, lol?

So, all dressed and in the car, I call Gov and he directed me...............street by street..............intersection by intersection......................................Bff, I know I get lost, but this shit was crazy.........I'm not incompetent, I just don't have a sense of direction..........lol

I have always had the inability to hide my thoughts through my facial expressions.........I know meeting Gov did not change that one bit.................when I got to his house............after him telling me during our conversation that I would not be meeting his sister or anyone else from his family, not only was his sister sitting at the dining room table, but his friend was sitting in their den...............that was an extension of the dining room, lol...............

What have I gotten myself into...............his friend happens to be another board member who was sending me private messages about us getting together in a form of street language I am not familiar with.  Not only is the world small, but bad habits die young..............I told myself I would be more spiritual and look at where I find myself with bad habits........lol............

Ok, it wasn't so unbearably uncomfortable to be around his sister, who had her hair wrapped up in a ghetto scarf, a tee shirt on that reached her upper thigh, bowed legs with socks and slippers; and his home boy Bley.  Wait, wait, wait, Bff..............I skipped some stuff.....I pulled up and he told me to park next to the car in his drive way.............his drive way happened to be what I would call part of his front lawn that was paved with cement instead of having grass................

As I walked in the house, you could tell that his family is the typical West Indian family...............no Bff, there is nothing wrong with it, I am not being racist........I am West Indian.......I know what a typical West Indian house looks like, I live in one! 

After being introduced to his sister and being surprised by seeing his friend, Bley, I was offered a seat and instantly became a part of the 3 man house party.............Ohh wait...........trying not to be obvious.......trying not to look so hard and stare......I noticed Gov's sister trying to get his attention.........when she did, he followed her into the dining and living room..............

Before I even had a chance to think about what they could have been talking about.......he came back and asked me for my keys as his sister yelled out to him that their aunt was going to park where my car is and he could move my car in front of the house............WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  His aunt is coming by..............well, what the fuck?............shit is just happening......changing before my eyes and all I could do is smile and instantly adapt......................

Luckily, Gov put a stand up comedy movie on, relieving some of the tension and anxiety I felt from all of the sudden changes.......................as he jumped when his sister spoke and greeted his aunt.......who happened to have the same name as me...................

If I thought that there was a slight chance I would have met his sister, aunt, uncle, friend, dog or pet spider, I would not have worn my baby doll house dress............NEVER.........When he told me that he was going to introduce me to his aunt, I damn near got my coat and left.........I am wearing a fuck me baby doll dress and eat my juicy pussy boots, what the fuck is his auntie gonna think???..........he didn't care, so why the fuck should I???......Out of now where, like a child who wants to show off his new prize, this mother fucker called to his aunt so that he could introduce us, I stood right up, pulled my dress out of my ass in front of Bley and gave her the same hand to shake, as we greeted each other..............what? lol

I knew I was not going to be in control of a few things this evening, but I was gonna damn well control me.............Since Gov was tending to his sister and aunt, I made small talk with Bley.......who was complaining about some of the board members talking bad about him and stuff.............As he was talking, I was working out in my head why and how I got myself into this situation with all that I had already experienced?  I wondered why bad habits were at the forefront with me................it's like I am supposed to deal with........break them first before I am able to make any advancements....

I went along with everything that was happening.......I was really eager to see how this night/morning was going to end.............

We all got to a point, including Auntie, where we wanted to relax and go our separate ways........Auntie went upstairs to go to bed while sis, Gov, Bley and I went downstairs to smoke. 

Bff, at this point, I knew.......I just knew that he and I would be able to be alone so we could sit and talk............what ended up happening was............we ALL went downstairs, descending a semi-homemade pair of wooden stairs and came upon an incomplete basement.......
Quickly looking around, watching where I was walking, I could see that it would not take much work for the basement to be fully functioning, it just needed a little work..............I think what ended up happening is that perhaps they got really comfortable and forgot that a basement could actually be used as a part of the house........it looked like they tried to use it but it ended up being a place for storage.........

I followed his Planet of the Apes walking sister into a room with a huge bed and piles of clothes and shoes on the floor and all over the place.............what?  what the fuck...........we were in Gov's sister's room.  What the fuck am I really doing? Are we really going to be smoking in his sister's room, all 4 of us?

Oh lawd, I just hope that my facial expression did not show what I was really thinking..............I got the feeling that his sister got a sense of what I was going through, but I really did not get the sense that she cared.....all she cared about was smoking.............

I continued to make small talk with whoever I was left alone with...........being that I was sitting closer to Bley, he was at the center of my attention.................while Gov and his sis sat on her bed rolling and talking to all of us...........

I could not help but notice all of the shoes she had all over the place...........we instantly started a conversation about shoes............some of the shoes she had in pile on the floor were nice, some looked like old lady shoes, lol.  Why oh why Bff, did she offer me a pair of her see through granny sandals?  Why?

I graciously tried them on, she encourage me to even though I told her that they would  not fit.................I took off my eat my pussy boots and slipped my foot into the sandal, all the while looking at Gov, he has a thing for feet and I did not want him to see mine (not cause they were ugly, but cause I did not want to encourage him liking me anymore than his words told me he liked me)......I noticed him staring at me ever so often........

We had a nice little cipher going………and it did not seem like they wanted it to stop…….They just kept rolling……

Now, normally, I would be down…..but they looked like they did this for a living……they looked like they were down for WHATEVA!  I’m not, lololol!

I was starting to feel uncomfortable, Gov’s sis started preachin about reppin two hoods and her love for both of them, with intense love and passion…..something started to come over me……disgust…I wanted an out and was not going to just sit around and just deal…..I was going to jump at the first opportunity I got……..

As we started our 4^th blunt, Bley made a phone call to his boy, ask for a lift home……..this became the perfect opportunity………my way out………

There was no way I was going to stay there with Gov and his naked ape sister……lawd only knows what they have on their mind…….not to mention that this lady did not put any clothes on when there is company in the house…….I did not want to find out what would happen if I stayed……..

I could tell that we were all feeling the effect of the smokes, everyone’s eyes were blood shot red……..and we all started to move slower, lol……..

Perfect timing………Bley’s ride came……..which gave me alone time with ape sis……..I am quick on my feet, so I used this time to comment on the fact that it was late and I should follow Bley’s lead in going home.  I even took it as far as laughing and saying that Gov would be upset when he came back down cause he would have to go right back up to let me out………I WAS LEAVING……..lol.

You better believe that is exactly what happened……….when Gov came back down, I immediately told him that it was getting late and I had to leave…….I could tell by the dullness in his eyes that he was a little disappointed……I mean really Bff, it was Friday, I could have stayed if I really wanted to….but I did not want to….I wanted to go home……I had enough!!!!!!!

Slowly, Gov got my coat and helped me put it on…….I did not want to put myself in any more horrific positions so I moved in such a way that we would not experience that awkward “goodbye”……..ok lemme stop suga coating my words….I put on my coat and made a mad dash for my car……..

You know what? This fuck is crazy…….He parked my car, tightly between two damn trucks…….

I said I wanted out right?......I worked my car out of the tight spot and sped home…..never looking back……..

Bad habits…….bad fucking habits………….

I Know........I know.......

Bff, what's goin on?  How are things with you?  Have you noticed? Have you noticed that things are being revealed, that information is coming your way........that opportunities are in your path so that you can end old business...............giving you the chance to start new and more positive endeavors? 

Well, Bff, if you haven't noticed........WAKE THE FUCK UP!   You know I say that with all the love in the world.  I want all of us to be together on this journey of enlightenment that 2012 is bring us...........RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.........haha!

Anywho, Bff, things have not changed.  Sam still gives me the same excuses.......no biggie..........

Ohh, today is Friday the 13th..........mwahhahahahahahahha.  The power that is available today is crazy......I can feel it all over the place.

Oh Bff, I need to get a colonic..........Ohh how I need one to help wash out all of the shit that remains with me (literally and figuratively).  I am going to give myself a nice Valentine's Day gift (it might be a little early this year) and purchase a colonic package...........Make your face like that if you want to....the spiritual side effects of a colonic and PRICELESS!

Overall, today was a quiet, peaceful day, Bff........but I know, I know, I just know that something is about to come to the forefront, lolol.  Can't wait to see what it is!

Are you fucking serious?

Ok this shit gotta end Bff, this shit gotta end!

I know I said I was going to be more spiritual this year, but the world is fucking with me right now and I'm about to blow it the fuck up, Bff..

Why oh why did I have a fucking day long conversation with YumYum about how I did not want to be around when he conducts business with Sam..........Do I not have to right to decided where I want to be?

For some strange reason, YumYum keeps making excuses for Sam.....he even told me that I am an enabler...............because I care too much about others feelings, mainly Sam..........

Are you fucking serious? No seriously.............This nigga is playing everyone to the fullest........tell me one thing, telling YumYum another and only the Infinite knows what he is telling everyone else.......

What do I gain from being around when Sam and YumYum do business? 

YumYum tells me that Sam needs to see and understand that I am not at home.........sad and miserable..........Bff, if I am trying to "observe", wouldn't I be playing a major role if I am present? 

YumYum and I had a conversation for my entire work day......MY ENTIRE FUCKING WORK DAY, wasted on talking about fucking Sam....GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..........

All of my ding dong energy wasted..........I could have been reading about Astral Projection.

This is my fucking world.........I do as I fucking well please............I don't have to be around for anything just cause others EXPECT me to.........

How awkward would that be if Sam saw me chillin with YumYum?  Bff, is it just me?

I will give credit where credit is due.....YumYum made very valid points in his argument, very valid......but the fact remains that Sam sees and treats YumYum and I the same...........AS A FUCKIN OPPORTUNITY.....................he shows me one side, shows YumYum another side and it goes on and on and on and on, lolol!!!!!

I got the info.............but are you fucking serious?

So, during my day long conversation with YumYum, I decided to text Sam and ask him for the money again.  That is when he called me with some bullshit story about YumYum's product being bad, losing clients because of it , applying to work at schools in the neighborhood and all sorts of other excuses.  Then Sam went on to tell me that I did not sound as cheerful as I usually do. 

I explained to Sam that I am cheerful but I really need the money that I lent him back.........he changed the subject to KARMA of all things, lolol......................oh this is great....the perfect opportunity to fuck with him...............  

Sam asked me about Karma, saying that that something must be wrong with his because he just can't seem to get ahead.....he sees all of these horrible people doing horrible things and being on top!

Bff, gimee your hand cause this is how perfect the universe is.........it is always doing what it is supposed to do.........read closely............ So, I nicely told him my view on Karma.  I even gave him examples that were very similar to his behavior regarding me, hinting, hinting, giving him info that I know, hahah!

I explained to him that according to my understanding, Karma works in such a way that if you are capable of helping others and you don't, when you need help you wont get it; if you are mean or evil or hurt someone who is a good person (and good to you), then nothing good with come to you; if you help those who are in need then you will get help in return; if you are not honest and upfront with those who you know are good to you or if you do knowingly hurtful things to those that care for you, nothing good will come to you! I am SURE he got the hint cause he got off the phone immediately after I explain my view of Karma to him.  While I was talking to Sam, I made sure I used the nicest most caring and understanding voice you could imagine.

Bff, I know I am playing every single field possible, I know it may seem like I am playing a game.......this game has to be played in order to observe....I don't expect you to understand or agree, just stay with me....and I promise you will see!

You tell me

I need so help with this one...........it must be the full moon Bff, it really  must be..........

Lemme give you some valuable information from Alpha Lift Trends.  According to them:

"Late Thursday (Juicah's note: Thursday was last Thursday, January 5th, the day after I found out about Sam's party, haha!) Moon shifts into Gemini, which provides the surge of information to come into situations that are revealing the different paths and choices that are available. With so many hitting the top of their summit on many different mountains, show the many paths that can now be visible. The information that begins to come in on Friday also brings the options and choices that are revealed. With so many options and choices, we can finally begin to wrap up many issues and bring resolutions to the table.

Saturday opens the door to Moon providing the information that allow us to regain security and provide the stepping stones forward as we traverse the plateau to see the various choices that are on the horizon and on their way into our life. "Bff, could this be real?  Could this sit really be true!  I have been reading Alpha Life Trends for a year and they are ON FUCKING POINT! 

Was it just me or do you see what is happening here?  Wait, Bff, did you read that shit?

"Information" "Information" "Information" will be "REVEALED".  Bff, gimme a minute to gather myself........I just had a "wow aha" moment.

So, the plot gets thicker................................

Although I am getting a clearer picture of what Sam thinks of me........it does not mean that I "HAVE TO" react, right?  I have decided to observe, I might put a little bit of gas on the fire, but I usually do it with a smile on my face (wink)...Bff, knowing this information.......Don't you think it would be in my best interest to stay out of Sam's vision......let me explain.......

It is obvious that Sam has every one fooled about who he really is.........it is obvious that he thinks no one will ever learn about all of his undertakings that are hurtful to those who care for him (believe it or not, I still do, lol)........with the info provided to be, thanks to the natural order of the universe, I found out how he views me.......why the fuck would I put myself in a position for his view of me to change for the worse? It would be stupid for me to do that, right?  Maybe it is just me, maybe I am warped, I should not even be playing this fucking game.....but I WANT THE FUCKING TRUTH!

YumYum and I have become very close over the past few months.......when I say close, I mean that we have formed a friendship (or so I think.  According to Alpha Life Trends, "information" will be revealed to help me decide which path I want to take.  So as far as Sam goes, I got the info and I decided to take the path of "observer"......but check this........I got some info on YumYum too.......which adds to all of my confusion....

Here is the situation:

YumYum and I are sitting in my car, talking, laughing, smoking.....he gets a call from Sam.......Sam needs to see him, but is not in the area, Sam wants to send his brother to see YumYum......YumYum tells me and I explain to YumYum that I do not want to be around when any business is conducted for or with Sam......

Bff, this is my reason for that:  Sam knows that YumYum and I are friends........knowing and SEEING are two different things.......I know that Sam is not my man but there is a possibility that if I SEE him in a loving embrace with another female, I MAY get the impression that he is dating her.......anyone MAY get that impression......IT IS ALL ABOUT PERCEPTION.

My perception of a situation I see WILL BE completely different from someone else's perception

With that in mind.....I do not know what Sam's perception or thought would be if he SAW YumYum and I hanging out........nor do I want to find out if my position it to "OBSERVE".

Now, you tell me...............

When I express my desire to not be around when doing business with Sam, YumYum became upset and told me that I should not stop living my life because of him..........

Bff, I completely understand what and where YumYum is coming from BUT, I HAVE TO RIGHT TO HANDLE SITUATIONS IN MY LIFE AS I PLEASE!

I am heated......so, I am gonna end this entry right here................until tomorrow!

Lies.....more lies...........try to observe.............

Why oh why do you insist on the lies.........

Bff, please let me tell you that no matter how upset or angry I get, my love for people only grows stronger.  Now that a few days have passed and I am able to process everything that went down with Sam and YumYum, things are really...........hmmmmm.........suspect..........

Let me start from the beginning...........yesterday (being that it is now 2 in the morning on Monday) Sam texts me from out of no where.  I responded but as usual he did not continue to reply...........so, I left it alone.  He told me that he was in Brooklyn trying to get a new client.......YumYum told me that Sam just let his house making a purchase, lolol..........strange and let me tell you why.....

There is no reason for Sam to lie to me..he made it clear where I stand with him......
There is no reason for YumYum to give me a synopsis of what Sam does....I stress to him that I am not Sam's girl........

Bff, I just don't know what to make of all that has transpired in the last few days......I know if I give it too much attention at this point, I will not get real answers........I will sit back and observe.........

On a good note, guess what?  I took two belly dance classes today, Bff......that's right! 2.  I am so proud of myself..............haha

Although it appears and feels like I am surrounded by Lies.....more lies........... I will do my best to just sit back and observe.............(Let's see how long I can do that, lol)

I'm supposed to be observing.........

So Bff, I know it is kind of late, but we are Bff's right?

I can't say that anything major happened to day Bff, but I be on it...........

I went to both belly dance classes today, back to freakin back.  The teacher worked us so much that now I feel like I got beat the fuck up, lolol.

Because of the holidays, I have missed a lot of classes.  I promised myself that this year I would be more consistent and focused when it came to dancing so that I can perform.

So, Bff, this shit with Sam continues.  I text him today asking him for the $200 I recently lent him which he never gave me back.  Everything I ask him about this money he tells me he gotta pay his car note, he only has half, he will bring it by, but I still don't have this money.

Yesterday, I got to the point that I told him my car note is 3 months behind and I have more bills now than before that I have to pay.  Why is it that he can pay his car note but I can't pay mine.  Bff, I told him this stuff to see if he is going to be a man, correction, creature of his word and give me back the money.  I figured if I came to him in need of my own damn money back, it would bring about some thing in him to make him pay me back sooner.  Niggas don't have pride, I gotta remember that niggas like Sam are not normal.  They are like blood sucking camelions, changing to fit the environment, lolol. 

Sam told me that he thought he would have the money today, but unfortunately he does not.  He is in the process of trying to get up enough money to FIRST pay off his car not for the month and THEN pay me back the $200.  He said he he just got some weed from YumYum, so he can give me the $100 profit from that and then later on in the week give me the remaining $100.

Bff, it is now 2:00 a.m. Sunday morning and I do not have $.01 in my hand. Hmmmm, Juicah, OBSERVE BITCH PLEASE SIT BACK AND OBSERVE!

After I gave him my sob story (and a story it is) about my car being up for repo and all of the new bills I gotta pay, he said he would try his hardest to get me the money.  I guess he just don't give a fuck!

Besides, that Bff, my day was pleasant. 

I have noticed that I go through cycles of being worldly and being spiritual.  For me, everything is an extreme.  For too long I have been completely world and as a result, I have experienced nothing but pain and sorry.  Maybe, just maybe if I focused more on my spirituality, eventually everything will fall into place?  You think Bff?  How about this? How about I try it this year, I try to be more spiritual than worldly and see what really happens.  Yes, Bff, that is what I am going to do and I will start with this situation with Sam.....

So Bff, I am supposed to be observing...........growing, understanding, and learning.........I am to put my emotions to the side and treat everyone with compassion and love...........I may not be successful, but I will try............(how does that sound, lol).........

I have to remind myself........I am supposed to be observing...............

Franks

So Bff, you know I love you unconditionally, right? 

Yesterday at work, I was actually busy .  The usual new year business.....it never fails.  At the end of the year and the beginning of the year, everyone wants to work, lol. 

My girl Keys text me in the afternoon inquiring if I wanted to go out for a drink later on.  I knew I would be tired by the time I got home, but I told her yes anyway, my horoscope told me that this month is gonna be a great month for me regarding love, relationships, partnerships and business. 

So with that in mind, (read astrology zone every month for your monthly horoscopes, the lady who personally writes them is on point!) I tried to get myself amped to go out while I was at work.  Being that yesterday was Friday, I really wanted to hang out but the stress of the week was heavy on me and I was feeling like just going home and going to sleep. 

When the day finally ended and I made it home, I felt like cleaning. I really did not want to do much for the weekend, so I thought that cleaning on Friday night would be good.  I sent Keys a text, asking her what time and where we were going.  I did not want to decide, nor did I have a place in mind for us to go.  Wait...yes, yes I was thinking that maybe one of us would fall asleep and we wouldn't go out at all.  Don't look like that BFF, it is very stressful on the body to take mass transportation for 3 hour every single day just to go to from work.  Then when you get to work you have to deal with every one's demons, lol.  I got my own I am working on.  So naturally, BFF, by the time I get out of work, the only think I want to do is go out with my bed, lol.

Thank goodness it took time for her to respond, time that gave me the chance to think, clean and try to get excited about going for a drink.  I even got to the point where I was hoping that she would not respond, lol.
 
When Keys did respond, she suggested that we go to Franks, in Brooklyn.  We passed by Franks one night and it looked like it was the place to be.  We both commented to each other, that night, that we would make sure we went to Franks soon. I guess last night was the night, lol.

It was about 10:00 p.m. and I wanted to know what time we should get there.  BFF, I need boundaries and rules in order to function properly with other.  If I don't have them, I will go buck wild and be all over the place.  I think Keys figured me out a while ago, her response was, "it's a bar, we can get there anytime".
Perfect, just perfect!  Boundaries, lolol.  So, I continued to do what I was doing, while thinking about what to wear. 

Finally, I finished everything and still did not know what to wear.  I sent Keys a text asking her what time we should be ready. She replied that Frank's is a local neighborhood bar and we could get there anytime.  WHAT? Ok, no biggie, now I can dress comfortably and wear basically anything. Hmmmm, thank goodness, cause I still couldn't find anything to wear. 

Trying to put a pep in my step even though I did not condition myself to go out, I jumped in the shower and sent Keys a text so we would be on the same page.  Keys knows I take foreva to get ready so I think this gave her enough time to take a nap and a shower.

After my shower ritual, I decided to wear a pair of jeggins (don't judge me), a purple sweater/shirt and purple boots.  I wanted to be comfortable, but cut being that I never went to Franks before.  The shirt I was wearing was perfect, purple, the color for the Violet Flame, and it was long and low cut on the tata area, just like I like it.  As I got ready to leave, I rolled my spliff and was off. 

I finally got to Keys house around 11:45/12.  She was wearing a pair of jeans, flat boots and a hat, she looked really cute.  As we were driving to Franks, we caught up, we had not seen each other since last year, lol.  We finally arrived at Franks and was looking for parking as Keys commented that she was a little hungry and wanted a bag of potato chips. I can always go for a plan bag of potato chips, hehe.

We found a parking spot up the block and across the street from Franks.  Outside, all we saw were homely folk standing around laughing, talking and smoking.  We parked, got out of the car and walked across the street towards Franks, Keys with a smile on her face, me with a look of fear and confusion.  As we got closer, I saw some yardies sitting on a makeshift seat smoking a fag. 

Trying not to stare at them, I felt kind of strange.  Their locks were wrapped up, they had on long multi color dresses, I mean they really looked like pure rastas, but they were smoking fags giving Keys and I the nasty eye.  I took a deep breath, looked over at Keys smiling face, silently shook my head and went in my bag for my ID. 

We passed, door man and stepped inside.  Directly in front of us was a young cat sitting on a bar stool with a counter in one hand and money in the other.  I looked to my left, into Franks and saw people ranging from their 20's to 50's, sitting at the bar, walking around, some were even dancing by the door.  What the hell did I sign up for?  All the while, Keys had a bright smile on her face and is bouncing up and down dancing to the music like the rest of the people.
 
We paid our $5 and walk in.  To my utter amazement, Franks was packed and EVERYONE, I MEAN EVERYONE, INCLUDING KEYS (except for me!) was dancing.  Suddenly, tunnel vision took over me and I felt like I was projected into another dimension, the dimension of the 70's party. Ok, let me be honest.  You know that mural that was shown in the beginning and end of "Good Times", the TV show?  Well, that is EXACTLY what Franks was like on the inside!  Everyone was partying!   

Slowly, I looked around in amazement and saw the different ethnicities, shapes, sizes and ages all having fun and jammin it down!  Keys broke my concentration when she told me that she wanted to go to the store to get some potato chips.  Hu?  Keys, you wanna get what? Yes Bff, that is right, she wanted to leave the Franks to go across the street and get potato chips, bring them back and eat them.  Lawd help me, I know Franks is a bar and all but going out and coming back with potato chips, really?  How is that going to work?
Well, being that we still had our coats on and we were not too far into Franks, we turned around and walked out. 

As we were leaving, we told the guy on the stool that we were going to the store and would be back.  As we walked passed him, walking out for the chips, he asked us to bring him a bag of chips also, lol.  Yeah right, we had to pay to get in and now he wants us to bring him chips, I don't think so!!!

We crossed the street and I felt crazy, the bewildered look became my normal facial expression.  I asked Keys if she was sure she wanted to bring chips into Franks and she said, "Hell yes Hauney, I am hungry!"  I simply laughed and continued walking with her to the store.

As soon as we got inside the corner store, we picked out our two bags of chips, paid and went back to Franks.  It must be some kind of magic or trace cause when Keys foot hit the inside of Franks she fell right back into place with the rest of the party goers, dancing. 

I was stuck in a petrified trance of amazement!  Not only did I see high school looking kids and their friends in Franks, but I also saw some of my white coworkers drunk falling all over the place and the neighborhood crack head all dressed up dancing along with a wide range of other characters.  Keys caught a glimpse of my facial expression and told me that I needed a pair of sun glasses to cover my eyes.  I guess you could tell that I was shocked, lol.

Being that Franks is not a big bar, it appeared to be packed.  The mini dance floor was bouncing, with people having fun while enjoying the mix of music being played.  I turned around and all I saw was Keys with a huge smile on her face dancing too.
 
I needed a drink, a strong drink, so we went to the bar and ordered 2 long island ice teas. Yes, they were perfectly strong, just like I needed to get through this evening.

The music did not stop, the dancing did not stop, the people did not stop coming in, it was crazy.  Was I in a dream or was this real?  Some people were dressed up like they were going to a formal affair, while others were dress like they were going to bed.  Still, you saw many dressed like they were just hanging out, which was what everyone seemed to be doing no matter what they were wearing.  I must have been the only person in there that was not dancing, I must have been the only person in there that was confused and shocked.  At this point, Keys was eating from her bag of chips, drink in the other hand, dancing and looking around like she was watching a very fun dance hall movie.  What the fuck is really going on BFF?
 
The place was ram jam thank you maam' packed and no one seemed to notice or mind.  We found a place to stand by some seats which lined the wall.  It was starting to get hot even though I was not dancing.  I started to feel my drink and wanted so badly to open my bag of chips and eat them, but I just couldn't.  Keys was doing it and no one seemed to notice.  She was sippin, munchin and rockin it down all at the same time. It gets even getter.  She stared to sing along with the songs that the dejay was playing.  Bff, Keys singing a song is not a good thing, but let me explain why.  It's not good cause half of the time she does not know the words, lolol.  So you will see her dancing her ass off, mouthing the words, but all the wrong words are coming out of her mouth, lolol.  Keys was dancing like she was part of the Franks party crew, lol.

I just couldn't bring myself to dance or eat my chips.  I was overcome with the bewilders, lol.  After about 45 minutes, the dejay decided to play reggae music and the crowd did not stop dancing.  Fighting my natural instinct to dance, I continued to look around at the people coming, going and dancing.  I continued to drink my ice tea when I could no longer help myself, nature took over and I started to dance.  That's it, it was over from there!

Normally, I do not like to dance with people I don't know.  I failed to mention that when we entered, I noticed an alien looking older man checking me out.  When I started to dance, he slowly mad his way over to me and joined me in dance.  I couldn't help myself and all hell broke loose. 

Great Guggamugga! I must have had that belly dance hip motion going on something fierce cause he asked me if I wanted a drink.  I did not refuse and told him what I was drinking.  He left and returned shortly with my drink and a smile.  We exchanged names and he was nice enough to hand me the drink, dance for a few seconds and then leave me to talk to Keys.  Tyron, is alien's name.  He walked away, but his eye remained on me.

I think I need to have someone video record me dancing when I go out, for after Tyron left, I noticed about 5 other guys looking in my direction.  Then, some girl came up to me and started dancing.  Bff, I don't know these people, nor will I ever see them again, why not have fun right?

That is exactly what I did.  I snatched her up and started to grind on her, making sure that my body touched every part of hers. She was a cute sister with short locks, a little shorter than me, with a similar physique, but Bff, I don't think she was wearing a bra.  Ok, that's not that bad right, at least she was wearing deodorant!

I put on a show for her and with her, lol, dancing around provocatively like I wanted her.  I think I might have went a bit overboard with the dance show, the next thing I know, several guys circled us and I found myself being fondled by her, lol.  Bff, I think I turned her on cause several times I had to move her hand from inching towards my pussy! (My eyebrow is up, lol)

I turned around to Keys, but all I saw was her in her own Franks world with chips and drink in hand.

After the 10 minute reggae seductive dance show I put on, I made my way back to Keys and told her that she had to play the role of my girlfriend, this shit was getting crazy!  Keys could not stop laughing at me and the entire situation while still dancing and having fun!

Out of no where, Keys violently snatched my arm, saying loud enough for those around us to hear, "Bitch, come over here!"  I played that shit to the fullest.  I put on a facial expression like I was caught in the act of theft and scared.  She raised her arm and I jumped, making it look even more real.  Behind Keys, all I saw was those same 5 guys trying to get my attention discretely so Keys would not notice.  Keys and I dance for a few minutes to solidify our relationship, lol.  We had to make sure our relationship was known to the guys around us, lol. It was getting crazy, so I went to the bathroom, lol.

I got my bearings in the bathroom and was overcome with the giggles.  Bff, I usually don't do the last minute outings but when I do, I ALWAYS have this much fun and more! Quickly, I composed myself, I wanted to get back to the action and fun.  I exited the bathroom made my way to Keys. On the way, I was stopped again by a guy else who wanted to dance.  I spoke to them briefly, explaining to him that my girlfriend was waiting for me and I couldn't dance or talk cause she is jealous and would get hostile.  It worked and I was able to walk away with no problem, lol.

Guess who I saw on the wall on the way to Keys, yup, the girl again.  lol.  She snatched me up and we started to dance again. I must have really been feeling nice from the drink so I went along with it.  She started to whisper something inaudible in my ear as she tried to put her hand in my pants.  Then I heard he ask if she could suck my nipples.  LOLOLOLOL, I digress! We continued to dance,  as she told me that she wanted me.  I told her I was about to leave, she quickly replied and told me to put my friend in a cab.  You know what Bff, this is getting out of fucking hand.  As the song ended, I slyly danced away from her.

I made my way through a few more zombie dancers, when I got to Keys, she told me that Tyron offered her a drink too.  We started laughing and could not stop.  Tyron came back and told me that he wanted to see me again.  He also told me that I was causing alot of problems in Franks that night.  Innocently, I expressed that this was my first time in Franks, batting my eyes, lol. I continued to tell him that I don't go out much because my girlfriend does not allow it, lol.  As our conversation commenced,  I confided in him that I wanted to try to get away from Keys because she was controlling and I did not want to be with her any longer.  He told me he wanted to see me again and he would give me his number. I then begged him not to let Keys see him do it, for she might get violent, lolol.

He left, allowing Keys and I the opportunity to play this role until we left.  We could not stop laughing, but we couldn't let anyone have an inkling of the truth.  We were getting tired and decided to leave, after a few more minutes of roll play.  I picked up her coat, held it up for her to put on like a subservient partner, lol.  As her back was turned to me Tyron slipped me his number on a piece of tissue and walked away.  I put my coat on, grabbed the bag of chips and we left.

Bff, when we got outside and to the car, we found a ticket on my car.  To tell the truth, I did not give a flying fuck about the ticket, I had so much fun up in Franks it was well worth the $45 parking ticket.

We laughed the entire ride back to Keys house.  We were both amazed at what a great time we had on the spur of the moment.

I never called Tyron, not sure if I should.  He might want to try to turn me straight, lolololol.

Shit, I ain't dead, I am so open to pleasure and fun this year, lolol.