I'm Coming Back..............

OMG............apprehensively I went to another new class....new in the sense that I have never attended it before....but not new in that I have attended a class covering the same subject...Bellydancing. 

After the fabulous free yoga class I took yesterday, I overheard a few of the women talking about the bellydance class today.  When I heard the words "teacher is a sister" and "free bellydance class", I couldn't help but worm my way into their conversations to get more information.  They told me that the same organization offers a free bellydance class on Fridays and the instructor is a sister.  Lemme fill you in on something that you may not be aware of.......I have been looking and waiting and praying to find bellydance instructions from a sister and when I heard these ladies talking about it, I jumped on it and decided right then and there that I was going to go.

Apprehensively today......after dealing with crazy demons at my job.....I found the energy and courage to go to this class and let me tell you..............I am going every week...do or die!!!

The train ride to class was grooling.........I had to take two trains to the center where classes are held.  When I finally got there, I signed the attendance sheet and walked into the gymnasium, where the class would take place.  There were a few women talking and preparing for class.  I am not new to dance classes but I never took a class in a gymnasium. 

I walked over to a spot where there were little to no other women, so that I could put my belongings down and gather my ego in order to be open enough to enjoy the class.  As I put my bag down on a bench, I looked over to my right and I saw a lady who looked homeless.  She was a full figured black women with long dreads that were not really organized and looked like they needed a touch up.  She had one of those suitcases on wheels and she was looking through it, I guess to find something. 

We smiled at each other and commenced to handling our business.  In the back of my mind, I was thinking, "Maybe this lady is in the wrong place", but I did not give it more energy than that.  I was starting to get excited about the class at this point because more women started coming in and a few that were their started putting on their hip scarfs and warming up with bellydance moves. 

Glancing over at the clock, I noticed that it was getting close to starting time, 6:30 pm and my heart slowly started to increase its beats.  I grabbed a yoga mat and found a spot up in the front, close to where the instructor would be. 

Looking around the gym, I noticed that the same lady I thought was homeless was now in full bellydance clothes, greeting some of the ladies and moving her belongs up to the front of the gym, as if she was the teacher.  WHAT???? she is the teacher....Lawd aves murcy.  Please forgive me...but when I initially saw her I could have sworn that she was homeless or in the wrong place.  Thank goodness I did not say anything to anyone there about her before......that would have been completely embarrassing.

Before I even got the chance to sort my thoughts.......the music turned on and she (the instructor) was moving......I am not sure you understand what I am saying..let me use other words.........The instructor, who I thought was just a homeless black lady, started her warm up routine and was moving like she just drank the elixir of life........

It's Me........ME

I hated hearing, "It's Me.....it's not you". For years those words have haunted me. Constantly being repeated in my head.........like a broken record.

Today....it hit me.....smack....right in my ding dong face. "It's Me", I think to myself. In all actuality, it is me....it is all my doing.

I order to get a handle on "my life", I have to take responsibility and acknowledge the part I play in all of the shit I experience. Now...let's be serious here....My life is mine....your life if yours...I am ONLY responsible for me.....interacting with you and others gives me the opportunity to share and show my love for life and all of its wonderful creations....good and bad (in my perspective).

I am not responsible for you or your feelings, what you think or how you move.....BUT.....I innerstand that I "MAY CONTRIBUTE" to your perception of reality, whether that perception is good or bad. Now here is the fun part......Even though I know I am not responsible but do play a part....I have a decision to make......Should I be kind, loving, fair and honest when dealing with myself and you or should I just allow my emotions to rule my actions, thoughts and feelings? This is where most of us get confused. This is why I say to myself now, "It's Me". Cause no matter what you do or say.....I am responsible for my life and my happiness............I am responsible for being kind, loving, fair and honest with myself BEFORE I can be and give those things to you or anyone else.

YES....IT IS ME............IT SURE IS...HAHA!

Wow...the full moon will really bring things to light...hehe

Ok...enough with the damn metaphoric text, lol. Lemme get straight to the point......

You (or I) shouldn't be blinded by upsets when they happen in life....we shouldn't feel discouraged when things don't go the way we want them to. Most of the time things go the way they are supposed to for the betterment of our higher selves. We just think we know what is best for us and when it does not happen, when we do not get what we want... we act like babies......allowing ourselves to get lost in our emotions and the fact that we did not get our way. Normal human behavior....but it does not promote growth.......I want to grow in this lifetime....I want to ascend to higher spiritual grounds.......I want to inner and overstand why I make the choices I make, I want to learn from my setbacks and look at things from different perspectives in hopes to get the broader picture of what is in my best interest....what is in my soul's interest. Yeah.....It's Me..............

We are in the energy of the full moon........the Harvest Moon. I love full moons...They always bring things to light in my life and this full moon is no different..ahahhaha but it is different in a sense that I am different............I am no longer a person of "reaction". I am a person of "observation". I choose to observe myself, my thoughts, my ego, my feeling, my actions. I watch my life ...........like the movie it is.........I study myself..........like the Scientist I am........and I NOW apply all of those past life lessons to help me grow in the present..............I must say......I feel great.......I am proud of myself.......and I continue to forgive myself first and others. This full moon showed no mercy....unveiling feeling that I constantly choose not to address, blowing away the smoke so I see clearly how others think of me. Let me make this clear........I could care less what others think of me.......I am not here to change anyone or change how they think of me, anything or anyone.....BUT it is important for me to be AWARE and PRESENT of these things so that I can move, think, feel and act accordingly. With awareness comes choices.......and I move forward to make the best choice that will promote my soul's growth.

Yes back to tonight and the full moon...I decided to go to a free yoga class in the city. I have been eyeing this class for over a year. Earlier this year I attempted to go but the powers that be put obstacles in my way and I used those obstacles to prevent myself from attending the yoga class.........This time I refused to let it happen again. So...I took my merry ass to the free yoga class...........hoping....praying........confidently knowing that it would be an experience that would added to my "Positive Push" list.

Now....I am human........I am not afraid to admit........I do not like change........Going to this class would be a "change" for me because: (1) I don't know anyone in the class and (2) although I will be in a class with others, I will be forced to reflect upon my life during the class, which is something my soul longs for but my flesh and ego fight with a passion.

Now, let's look at the definition of "Yoga". According to Wikipedia, "Yoga is a Sanskrit word which means "union" and is interpreted as "union with the divine.", "In Vedic Sanskrit, the more commonly used, literal meaning of the Sanskrit word yogawhich is "to add", "to join", "to unite", or "to attach"".

Wow...that is deep........I don't know about you......but I have taken and I took the yoga class tonight just for the purpose of trying to form a union between my mind, body and soul (the divine). Yesterday was not different..........but it was different...........different in that I am different........I am aware and present............I want to learn and grow. More than my mouth and thoughts saying, "L...we wanna grow", my soul is so desperately starving for growth. The universe will always give you what you really and truly need, ALWAYS...yoga class yesterday is another example proving that statement true. (Sidebar: Many times we miss what we really and truly need because it is not something that we want....it is something that may make us physically or emotionally have negative feelings. We don't realize that when things don't work out the way we planned, it is because there is something better coming our way, to protect us, to allow us to look at our decisions and path in hopes to see and correct our errors. But we end up blocking and possibly never getting our true blessings because of how we view things and because we think we know what is best.......hahaha silly human, lol.) The universe paved the way for me to take the yoga class so that I could actively be responsible for and acknowledge the part I play in My life experience...........enabling me to have the opportunity to unite my mind, body and soul........with this union, I can make better choices, behave in a more loving and humble manner, think more kind and peaceful thoughts and shine brighter when I start to lose sight on path of my life......

You see......when I strip all of the drama and color from life............I am left with one ingredient........ME!!!!

Much Overdue............

BFF.........where do I start.........

Dang, it has been over a year since I wrote to you.....so much has happened......so much has changed.......too many things remain the same, lolol.

Let me start off by saying that I tried to record my life with a handwritten diary............it did not work.........I missed days, weeks, months......it was getting out of hand.

I started dating someone from my past, lolol......It's so hard to take your own advice sometimes. Well, let me speak for myself, I have a hard time taking my own advice at all times, lol. I walked backwards and was forehead deep in pure SHIT! It was so bad I stopped my colonics and started to become detached from everything...........SMFH...

I no longer communicate with ANYONE....No Keys, No Yummy and NO SAM!!! Ok, Ok, let me correct that statement. Sam cussed me out, lol. I thought it was very cute, showing all of his emotions haha......Keys..........I feel like she tried to use me as a growth experiment.......I want no parts of that shit so what ended up happening is she only contacts me when she wants interns.......and yes, she will know that I am talking about her but I don't give a fuck! As for Yummy..........I witnessed his different sides and realized I was a pawn in his game. Listen, I am all for course correction..........so I ain't mad!!! LOL.

In the mist of all of this freakin drama, I combed out my locks and started recording and editing a vlog. Lawd........so much has happened...........

Ok, for a year, I was dating a guy I went to high school with. In high school we had an episode and after that one time, he never spoke to me again. During the remaining years, I heard conflicting stories about him and why he did not speak, but I really did not care. I wanted to hear it from him. Life goes on and of course I forgot about him, after all, that shit happened in high school, lol.

Any who...he posted a message on face book inquiring if anyone was willing to do a photo shoot for his album cover. "Why not?", I thought to myself, so I replied and we set the date, time and place.

Long story short........we started dating February 14, 2012, lol................March 10, 2013 he broke up with me. A year of self inflected torture........why because deep down inside.....I must love pain, lol.

During that year of dating him, we decided to start a YouTube show.......Juicah Talke... It did not last only. We only recorded 3 shows. He records and edits, but I guess some people don't know how to separate business from pleasure and when he broke up with me, the show ended, lol.

Needless to say that after he tried to hurt me with the break up on my bday, I decided to cleanse and purge myself of all negativity. So I combed my locks out and let me tell you I felt so much lighter, cleaner and open. I started to record and edit my own vlogs....purchased my own camera and computers and never looked back to him for help with anything. I don't even think he knows what I am doing and I don't care either.

After everything that I have allowed myself to experience, lolol..........I won't be moved by anyone's opinion of me....lolol.

So......now today..............I have decided to come back......return home..........it is soooooooooo much overdue!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Don't worry..........I will definately update you on all of the Juicah details of what has transpired over the last year, hehehe.  This is so exciting!)