BFF, did I mention that I am off today.....yup that's right......I took another day off of work..
Sometimes I think I need professional help.........listen, I will be the first to admit that I have issues, faults and problems........well, when I think about it..........I can't really say that I have problems...hmmm........my mind is the problem............
"An idol mind is the devil's playground", that's what they say, right? Well, if that is true, the devil has (of course with a little help from me, I am all about honesty, I just can't help it!) the largest, most pleasurable playground within my Kingdom! It was not always like that........as a child, I was in control of my mind........I would day dream.......drift away.....have the blank look on my face and let me tell you it was euphoric. As a young adult (20's and early 30's), people would ask me what I am thinking about when I went into my day dream trance, lol. My answer would always be "Nothing". Guess what, there was nothing really on my mind when I was day dreaming. I know they thought it strange not to have something on the mind, but to me it was so natural, so peaceful.....
Now at 36, my day dreams are far and few between....they are more like mindmares.........and I don't like it.....I don't like to think......thinking hurts........I would always tell people that.......yeah, they thought I was crazy, but I did not give a fuck because I was happy, carefree and I had NO PROBLEMS........(I still don't give a fuck, lol!)
But how do I get back there......how do I get back to the point of not thinking, being at peace, being happy.......Oh I ask myself that every single second I am awake and breathing. I know I am in control of my thoughts and my feelings........but sometimes for me it is so hard to make it through the day..........without pain.....without thinking.....without torturing myself......without crying.........without the devil sitting on the throne of my Kingdom, ruling my thoughts, causing me to remember pains of my past.
I remember, like it was yesterday, my childhood day dreaming trances.....drifting off into nothingness, enveloped in peace and comfort.........just writing about it makes me feel like I am on the path........path to happiness.......peace.......no thoughts......path to day dreaming again!
Maybe that is what I need to do, just sit and visualize...........sit in quietness.......be still..........allow my trances to come back to me......oh how I long for them to come back........to be better.........be longer.......more powerful..........just the thought of them puts me at ease.................................................that is what I need to do.................hold my hand........come with me...............and................we are off to Ecstasy.....................Muah!(I know you will have fun with me!)
So many things are going on...........I thought I was going away with my co-worker D (sister soul friend), but the natural course of the economy has prevented us from making the trip. There was also a possibility of me traveling to Cali with my bestest friend Keys (sister soul friend I knew before I was born), who owns a music management company, but I guess plans fell through. I have to keep reminding myself that things happen for the betterment of me..........I am being protected........although I may think, feel and believe I know what is best for me, The Almight's plan, rhyme and reason for my life is what is in my best interest........no matter what!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I think I need professional help.........listen, I will be the first to admit that I have issues, faults and problems........well, when I think about it..........I can't really say that I have problems...hmmm........my mind is the problem............
"An idol mind is the devil's playground", that's what they say, right? Well, if that is true, the devil has (of course with a little help from me, I am all about honesty, I just can't help it!) the largest, most pleasurable playground within my Kingdom! It was not always like that........as a child, I was in control of my mind........I would day dream.......drift away.....have the blank look on my face and let me tell you it was euphoric. As a young adult (20's and early 30's), people would ask me what I am thinking about when I went into my day dream trance, lol. My answer would always be "Nothing". Guess what, there was nothing really on my mind when I was day dreaming. I know they thought it strange not to have something on the mind, but to me it was so natural, so peaceful.....
Now at 36, my day dreams are far and few between....they are more like mindmares.........and I don't like it.....I don't like to think......thinking hurts........I would always tell people that.......yeah, they thought I was crazy, but I did not give a fuck because I was happy, carefree and I had NO PROBLEMS........(I still don't give a fuck, lol!)
But how do I get back there......how do I get back to the point of not thinking, being at peace, being happy.......Oh I ask myself that every single second I am awake and breathing. I know I am in control of my thoughts and my feelings........but sometimes for me it is so hard to make it through the day..........without pain.....without thinking.....without torturing myself......without crying.........without the devil sitting on the throne of my Kingdom, ruling my thoughts, causing me to remember pains of my past.
I remember, like it was yesterday, my childhood day dreaming trances.....drifting off into nothingness, enveloped in peace and comfort.........just writing about it makes me feel like I am on the path........path to happiness.......peace.......no thoughts......path to day dreaming again!
Maybe that is what I need to do, just sit and visualize...........sit in quietness.......be still..........allow my trances to come back to me......oh how I long for them to come back........to be better.........be longer.......more powerful..........just the thought of them puts me at ease.................................................that is what I need to do.................hold my hand........come with me...............and................we are off to Ecstasy.....................Muah!(I know you will have fun with me!)
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