Bubbles

Fuck, BFF.......I had this entire day typed out and then lost it............I guess it was not supposed to be posted.................

Let me start all over, hopefully this time around the Universe will accept and approve what I have typed and allow me to post it, lol.........

Today was a day in which things became clear to me..........

If I look back on my life, I have lived a life in which other people's happiness comes before mine....I bent and twisted time and things in order to please and appease others.......in hopes to put a smile on their face and heart........in an attempt to make them feel like they are appreciated, loved and wanted........

All too often, I can't say that the favor has ever been returned to me.........please don't get it twisted...I never do things because I expect something in return......I don't give to get, but it just seems like I never get, lol.........

I give of myself to those who do not deserve, I give until I have no more to give, I have given to the point where I have become sick.............and now I feel like being selfish...........I don't want to give any longer........

That is where I am today BFF, I feel like being selfish.......feel like not giving to those who don't give to me......I feel like being a straight up bitch.............

But I know it is not in me.......not part of how I am.............maybe you can make sense of this..........if not, just try BFF, try to understand what I am feeling and saying..........

Questions are ever present......never being answered.....no satisfaction in sight.......how many times do I have to turn the other cheek just to be punched in it...........slap one check, punch the other.......both leaving me stumbling, hurt and confused...........

Who I am is full of love for the taking.............what I am left with is a void of sorrow and pain..............contemplating.......questioning..........staggering..........falling........drowning............murky are the waters that surround me......sinking to the bottom with the weight of the world............bubbles of hope escape me and rise to the surface...........if only I could....if only I would......how can I be like the bubbles, so light.......stead on their path..........for when they reach their destination they burst, their hope explodes and leaves gentle remnants all over................

When will my bubble of hope appear and pop before me...........I should start blowing bubbles..............