Sam

BFF, BFF, I wanna explain to you how I met Sam and what I felt as a result of meeting him.....(and over the course of time............)

For all purpose and intent,  I pride myself on the fact that my behavior is not like other women, like that "typical woman".  Although at my core, I am but a woman. 

I can recall the day we (Sam and I) first communicated with each other as if it is happening now.  I was sitting at my desk, in the corner of the office, chatting with him on instant messenger.  From his pictures posted on the dating site, I could not really get a good clear picture of what he looked like.  It did not matter to me, for our Internet conversation made me feel as if only he and I existed in this world. 

I hung on to every message he sent, overcome by anxiety, I could not wait for him to respond to me.  Uncontrollable questions dominated my mind, I wanted to know so much about him.  Although we did not meet, I felt his strong spirit and it was so alluring, so inviting.  I think we both got to the point where we no longer wanted to type, the anticipation was too great.  Did we want to hear each others voices?  I know I was dying to hear his and when I did, I could not help but smile.  His voice is so deep and rich, resonating, controlling, drawing me to want want want!  I wanted to meet him so very badly, I wanted to see him talk, I just wanted.............

We decided to meet that evening, he might not have noticed in my voice, but I was extremely apprehensive.  But there was something the conversation left me with, something his voice left me with that compelled m to go on a limb and meet him.  Wait, what the fuck was I thinking about? Meet him at a hotel, a hotel? He reassured me that it was just so we could relax and reel a little more comfortable.  What you may not have known is the overwhelming restlessness I felt as a result of our decision.  It was not even butterflies, it was bubble guts that I was struggling with.  Could I really be making plans to meet a stranger at a hotel? 

 

I ran home, with my heart and guts in my mouth, danger on my heels, I could not pass up the opportunity to meet him just because of my silly nerves.  LOL, there was so much excitement and newness that surrounded him, I had to see him, see if he was real.

 

The process of getting ready to meet him was unbearable.  The questions forming in my head, the doubt brewing in my consciousness, what did the night with him have in store for me?  Of course, I wanted to put my best foot forward, to make sure I was "refined".  Not too sure if I accomplished my goal, but I knew I wanted to connect with him in some way, even if it turned out that we would just be phone buddies.  His voice is so intense, I loved him instantly (smile, I am very dramatic!).

 

As I drove to the hotel to meet, part of me wanted to turn around and go home.  What would I lose if I did? I did not want that to be my regret for life, so I pushed forward with my foot on the gas, there was no turning back now.

At the hotel, I sat in my car a few minutes and waited for him to arrive.  Not in my wildest dreams did I think he would be ……...  Give me a minute to explain.  Naturally, before I meet anyone new, I have all of these ideas of how they would look, act, what they would smell like, how they would behave.  I am usually able to identify when someone is uncomfortable around me, when they are lost and trying to figure out why they feel a bit off when I am around.  But when he stepped out of his car, my heart dropped.  Everything I thought he would be was wrong. 

 

From our conversation, I knew his spirit was strong but I did not think that when I saw him I would have an internal meltdown (wink, he are a cutie!).  Something about him, something, I just can't put my finger on it, don't want to try to figure it out, but something, something special. 

He were dressed, hmmmm, he looked so yummy, so bad, "Damn" is what I quietly said to myself as he walked to the front desk.  Yeah, ain't no shame, I undressed him with my eyes, tore him down, dissected him, ate him up and loved every morsel of his being.  Hmmm, but I still had questions, still wanted, wanted, I just wanted..........................

When we got in the room, I fought the natural urge to jump on him and kiss him up.  I did not want him to know what was brewing deep down inside of me.  For when I saw his skin, his eyes, his hair, saw his mouth, heard his voice and the way he moved, I knew he had the potential to control me.  I fought it with every fiber of my being, I think I was even a bit standoffish with him at times as a defense mechanism to protect myself.  But no matter what I did or said, I got the gnawing feeling that he knew, he could sense it, he would feed off of my energy. 

I could not take my eyes off of his beauty, damn he are so fucking sexy!  I hoped and prayed that he did not notice my nervous energy, this thing that he was doing to me when he was not doing anything at all, all of my anxious energy.  I could tell that he was very comfortable, he never stumbled on his words, he never skipped a beat, he was just him and that made me think.  Think that maybe...............maybe he is what I need surrounding me.  Maybe he holds the key................the key to something I long for...................but only time will tell if he holds the key that would unlock a never ending friendship I desired ever so badly.

 

We talked, drank, smoked and then....................the we got …………playfully physical.  He was not afraid of me, he was not taken by my energy, he was too strong, is too strong, a quality that is attractive.  If he could only feel what I felt, hear my thoughts, he would have known that I wanted him.  I wanted him to touch me in every way possible, but I did not want him to know that I wanted it.  I did not want him to think of me as "easy".  Torn, I wanted to get to know who he is, but I wanted to fuck him so badly, I had to put my sexual desire for him at bay.  I wanted him to want me too, but there was something about him.......... something about his energy that prevented me from being able to know how he was feeling, what he was thinking.  For the first time, I was lost and I loved it.

I could not tell if he enjoyed my company, if he was interested in getting to know me.  All I could tell is that he were fucking with me, fucking with me big time and I wanted him...I wanted more........I just wanted, wanted everything and anything that had to do with him.

Nothing sexual happened that night and I was so very confused.  I have always been told that I have this "sex appeal" so to speak, that makes men and women want me, makes them go crazy over me.  Well, that was not the case with him, not the case on any level.  Now, I may be wrong, but if I am, he is a master of control and I longed for him to control me, control my body, I just wanted him!  I wanted to get into him, I wanted to find out what made him tick, what made him him, what made me feel like this about him.  It is strange, but nonetheless, it is and I could not and did not want to help this feeling. 

 

We left the room and I felt empty, unsure of whether or not we would see each other again.  Questioning my femininity, questioning him, his actions, his thoughts, I drove home with a smile on my face and a void in my gut.  For although I felt empty, I was full, full of the wonderful experience of him.

 

Did he do this purposely, leave me feeling, questioning, pondering, is this the beginning of my fantasy in which he slowly take control, control of me?  Ohh I hope so because growing inside of me was a tiny seed he planted and now it has grown into a garden of wild plants. Don't get me wrong, please, I want you to understand, that this garden is beautiful and free, uninhibited and out of control, just like my feelings for him, I  try to keep it under lock and key.  You see, something great stirs inside of me at the thought of him, something uncontrollable..........only he has the key, the power to control it.  Don't he see, could he feel it, or is it just me, there is a great possibility that it may just be.  Please just let me live in my fantasy! 

And it continues to grow every second of the day, my longing for him got stronger.  Until we meet again and I see his sparkling eyes, hear his voice, resounding in my soul.  I had to fight it, fight not to behave like this, like a typical woman, insecure and unsure.  I struggle not to show him the weaker side of me, so I find my place, I follow his lead, trying not to be overwhelming with calls and texts, like my very existence depends on his acceptance.  I know it is not true, but I desire that connection with him.  From the first encounter, I was hooked and he knew it.