Decisions............Decisions

Bff, please forgive me for not communicating with you through this blog......It has been almost a year.

Although I have not used this medium for staying connected, I did create quite a few videos.........some of which give great details about what I have been going through............

As with all time lapses in our communication, so much has happened and I can't wait to share my experiences with you in hopes to get more clarity with regards to my life.............I am a work in progress and may times I cant decide on who I want to be...................................

Do I want to be naughty or do I want to be nice?  Can I find a happy medium between the two? Can I find balance in my two most dominant characteristics?  Will I ever harmonize my yin and yang?

That last question is something that many people are silently asking themselves..............some people don't even know that they are asking the question at all.  They are just going through great shifts and changes, some are oblivious or just don't want to pay attention.

I can't help but pay attention, feel, think and experience this...........this thing that I am going through........

What am I going through, you may be asking, lol.  Well Bff, I no longer talk to any of the people in my past.  Higgins tries to communicate with me and even see me, but he left a bad taste in my mouth and I do not want to ever let him think that we are friends...............I burned that chapter when I burned the things he gave me.  Big Daddy is a complete turn off...........we lost touch with each other and he started texting me last year.  I decided, after he continued to beg me, to go and see him one day after work.  He was not what he used to be, perhaps because he got bigger his dick got smaller, I don't know, I really don't care.  After that one horrible experience with him and his now smaller dick, I decided I am not going to waste my time with him either.  I guess he felt my energy and started to text me, telling me that it is weird that we don't communicate and shit like that.  I don't have time for this bull shit so I just laughed, said my piece and kept it moving, while putting him on "block".  

As you know, I allowed Will to come back into my life but from the beginning, I have been torn.  Being that he is married, we don't communicate the way I would like to but we asked each other if we could be friends, smfh (really, what the fuck does that mean?)  I don't call him, but I do text him.  He calls me every now and then but to be brutal, it does not feel like we are friends.  I feels more like he keeps me around because he knows I love him more than life and will take him to the ends of the universe when ever he give me the change, which seems to be when every he is feeling freaky.  Don't get me wrong, I play the game, but I also suffer the most...................suffer because I get a piece of the pie as it is going bad, while he had the pie fresh out of the bakery.  Yes, I know I have a choice, I can say no and not see him when he calls, but who am I fooling?  This story with Will is never ending, eternal, Divinely planned.  I don't expect you to understand my reasons for dealing with Will, Bff........this thing he and I share goes far beyond human comprehension.  All I ask is that you be open to listen to what I have to share about what has happened and what is happening between he and I.  So far it has been so much, I will have to really take some time out to fill you in...........but just to give you a hint................We have gone from seeing each other and experiencing spiritual phenomena and physical, emotional and spiritual bliss, euphoria and ecstasy to me feeling like I am being followed by a dark entity that is trying to take my life, having chest pains for over 2 years (yes, I still have chest pains) thinking that I am experiencing these things because he did candle and crystal work to try to get the piece of his soul back that he gave me (damn that was a lot, lol)!  Now, today, I have to decide if I want to see him on February 8th.............right now I am feeling like I just want to stay away from him so he can continue to live his fantasy............the life he choose to live without me!!!

So, I met up with one of my elementary school mates.............he had a horrible crush on me, so bad that he used to be mean to me when we were younger.  Now that we are older, he is so in love with me, it is so sweet............................so sweet that my teeth are chipping....Yes, Bff, no lie, my front tooth is chipped!  Let's call him C's.  C's live a few blocks away from me which is very convenient.  C's is dark chocolate and has smooth creamy skin.  He is a big guy, just like I like........we have so much fun together......I mean a lot of fun, like homies fun, if you know what I mean.  He is head over heels in love with me but I do not feel the same way and I don't want him to get it twisted.  We have been "hanging out" for almost 3 years..............and almost every weekend of that time, I have been disappointed and felt used..........no not because of sex, but because I feel like he always wants me around and does not consider my feelings or what I want to do.  Now, in his defense, he would make a good mate, but not a good mate for me!  I finally came to terms with the fact that although I find a lot of comfort in his company, the familiar cozy feeling is a death trap.........which makes me stay still, warm and comfy...........but when I leave, I realized that I was in a dream..........the never ending Pisces dream (he is also a Pisces, just my luck!).  I don't bit my tongue, so I can tell you that I would probably be in love with him (Ohh....yes, I love him and care for him dearly!) if the sex game was off the hook, but I feel like when we have sex (the very few times that has happened) he is crying because he loves me so much. 😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒😒  Don't get me wrong, Bff, that is really sweet, but I feel really awkward having sex with him when I feel like he is crying, lol.....no, this is not funny......this is how I feel (LOLOL).  Anyway, we keep going through cycles of him pissing me off by putting me in situations he knows I don't like (he knows because I tell him I don't like them, lol), me getting upset and telling him why I am upset, him telling me he is in love with me and he is trying, us going back to hanging out like everything is ok (minus the sex, like I said, I don't want him to get it twisted nor do I want to have sex with any man and I feel like he is crying, that is such a turn off!), back to him pissing me off..................................and the cycle continues............it continued, like I said, for almost 3 years................I am tired and this is going to stop.  He is not happy about it, but I can't be that nice girl this time...........well, actually I can be the nice girl to me! He will be ok.........

Now, believe it or not BFF, but Sam and I are hanging out again.  I never thought that Sam would have forgiven me for hurting him (remember, the situation with YumYum that hurt Sam so much he cussed me and was not speaking to me?).  Well, Sam expressed how my actions hurt him and also caused him to lose certain business connections.  He told me that the time he did not speak to me, while I was dealing with YumYum, he was trying to get his life together and the reason he called me  (that day he cussed me out) was to tell me that he made some major changes in his life; went back to school, got a new job and a house (but denied being married) so that I could see that he was stepping up his game and being a man.  Basically, he did all of that stuff to make me proud (hmmm).  As he expressed and stressed how he felt by my betrayal, I innerstand, however, I stand my ground regarding my perspective...............We were able to get to a point where we started to hang out with each other........but check this out......Bff, Sam got married for monetary reasons (he initially told me that he was not married, but I am not calculating all of the lies that he told me, or am I?).  Cum'on!!!! Really Sam?  Till this day, Sam is still married but he has told me quite a few times that he does not live as husband and wife..........However, other very credible sources have been invited to his house for parties that they (he and his wife) had and have seen them interact with each other.........as husband and wife.  Fuck out of here, who does Sam think he is fooling?  Anyway, somehow, someway, we got to the point were we see each other every now and then......................boy oh boy has he changed.....OMG...........Sam puts it down!  The first time we hung out, after all that stuff was resolved, he made me squirt so much, I could not look at him.  Since then, every time we see each other it just get better and better.  Damn he has grown in so many different ways.............Bff, don't worry, I will definitely tell you all about it in another blog.........I know you are not going to want to miss that blog, lolol. 

I really don't communicate with Keys, and I definitely don't communicate with D.  I found out that she was talking badly of me at work when I was out on leave, trying to figure out why Will was energetically trying to kill me, lol.  I was really hurt when I found out what she was saying about me, but in all reality, I should have known.  When we hung out I always wondered why her other girlfriends would come and gooooooooooooooooo, go for a long time.  I used to think that it was them, but now I see that they left because of her.  I am better for it, I would never want a friend like...........I rather spend time with myself (but it still hurts!)

So today, here I am...................again!!!! I really have to make a decision...................Do I want to be nice or naughty.............True of Fake?    We will see.......................LOL