Remote Control

BFF, you know those commercials about depression.....the commercials that talk about how hard it is for those who are depressed......hard for them to start their days..........that is exactly how I felt this morning.....

I set my alarm to wake me up at 6 am.........every single night, I tell myself, "Tomorrow will be the day that I start my routine.......routine of meditating.......exercising........jumping on my trampoline...........taking a cleansing bath............invoking the Violet Flame............and saying some prayers to my peps (ancestors and orishas that is!)...........every morning my alarm goes off at 6 am and I reset it to go off at 7:30 am lolol.  Some mornings I am good, depending on if I have something of importance to do during the course of the day.....other mornings are bad........I play the role as one of the ladies in the depression commercials....

This morning I had to fight......fight the commercial from becoming my reality AGAIN.......with a little bit of effort and allot of having no choice......I won the battle.....but I did not get up at 6, I got up at 6:35 am.....yes, I deserve a "high five"!

Today, there were a few things that needed my utmost attention and I knew in order to get the most of the day, I would have to get my shit together from the start of the day....

I did not do all I set out to do last night, but I was on the right path.....Hmmmm.......now this feels good!  This is not so bad........I guess once I start moving, nothing can slow me down........

I accomplished everything I set out to do today.............matter of fact.......the day was so much better than I expected it to be......by the end of the day I felt like I had the world in my hands!  When I got  home, I felt like I actually had control of my life, control of my feelings, thoughts, destiny...............FINALLY.............

Maxin and relaxin with my baby gurl (my dog you nasty asses, lol).  That is my baby, Starr.  Sam gave her to me.....So anyway, I am maxin and relaxin with Starr and I get a bbm message from D (my soul sista).  Our conversation made me question.........oh shit.......I am starting to feel like that depression commercial again...not now......not before I retire for bed..............

Why is it that we (women) question ourselves?  Why do we question what is so very obvious?  Why do we continue to hurt ourselves believing things that are just not true?  Why do we insist on believing words instead of actions?  I ask you these questions because I am really asking myself also.  I go through this all of the time, with regards to my past and the way I have allowed others to treat me.  Ok let me re-write this again,..........THE WAY I HAVE ALLOWED OTHERS TO TREAT ME.....

Too often we completely blame others for things that we too take part in.  We fail to realize and recognize our cooperation in events that lead to us being sad or feeling hurt.  It is easy for us to point these things out in others.  We get very defensive when our friends give outside perspectives which make us look in the mirror at ourselves and admit our participation.

This morning I felt like I was in a depression commercial.........this evening the feeling came back to me........signs of what is to come tomorrow......lolol........I get the feeling tomorrow will be a day in which I will be confronted with something...........but today.......I did not allow the depression commercial to take over........I know it is telling me something......and no matter what will be revealed..................I know I have the power to turn the fucking station, I have the remote control!!!!!!!!!!!!!